I feel terrible because a set of memories have been on my mind since march. i used to watch a lot of pornography. that included lolicon, shotacon, and even toddlercon. at the time i had been watching it, i didn’t think much of it. i don’t want to blame it on hormones even though at the time i had watch that stuff, i was very hypersexual and watch all kind of pornography (not including animals or real children). on top of that, i had watched that stuff up until before i turned 15 (16 now- started watching it when i was around 12 ish). It felt normal watching it and thinking about it now it was NOT normal. i feel gross and i’ve been panicking about it everyday. my sibling and my mom tell me that i was a kid and i didn’t know any better and i don’t listen to them because that would be reassurance. i don’t know what to do anymore because some of the intrusive thoughts i have are associated with the things i’ve seen. i really don’t wanna remember what i’ve seen and what i’ve done. can anyone give me advice on how to deal with reoccurring memories or what to do with it because i really don’t want to feel impeding guilt all the time. it makes me extremely suicidal. since my dad finally got out of my room and my parents are starting to feel better from sickness i’ll have to go back to my room and it reminds me of the things i’ve done and i’m scared i’ll end up driving myself crazy and killing myself because i’ve tried multiple times over and over again everyday before my dad was in my room because of the memories and i just wanna know how to deal with them.

i currently am getting over my period and have been having a horrible flashbacks from some real events. it’s a amalgamation of all of the horrible things i did as a child/young teenager. all of it associated with p0rnography + sexual activities i did. i was exposed to sexual activity very young and it lead me down a dark path. i’ve had OCD forever it seems. it’s hard because i can see that i’ve had OCD symptoms since childhood but i constantly doubt wether or not my actions where because of OCD or something i genuinely wanted/was attracted to. i can’t seem to differentiate the two and it’s scaring me. i’m worried i was genuinely into the kind of stuff and it’s constantly flashing in my mind the last two days of things i compulsively did years ago. to be absolutely clear it has been years since i’ve even thought about those taboo things or saw anything of that sort. i’m talking 5 or 6 years give or take. it still feels like yesterday. in recent years i’ve completely pulled away from p0rn and now find it and s3x a lot less appealing. but every so often i get these intense flashbacks on things i did or saw or thought and it puts everything on hold. everything im interested in gets but on the back burner in fear of my intrusive thoughts being thrown into the mix. currently experiencing that now. im mortified of ruining everything i love because of these stupid thoughts. does anyone have any advice or experience with this specifically and have any tips???

i feel like i have been posting a lot about this and i will try to stop since now but i just don't know where to start or what to do, and i can't take therapy right now either. my event is about something that did actually happen; i had a boyfriend and we had a 1.5 age difference (i know this sounds stupid) but the thing is that we both started to sext a lot since he was 14 and i was 15. we shared audios videos pictures ect and i don't know how to just let this go, even when i know that i never really forced him into anything and i was always constantly worried about him being comfortable, when to stop and ect. the memories keep coming back to my mind and the guilt is eating me up slowly because i keep thinking that i'm a predator or a groomer or something like that. i don't know how to deal with the what ifs either, lately i haven't stopped thinking what if i sexually harassed or sexually exploited him or something like that. how do i deal with the cycle of guilt and constant what ifs if i also feel like my event is worse than others i've seen? please help me with this. it's getting a lil tiring and even if somedays i know how to deal with this, i still get really triggered sometimes. this wouldn't even bother me before, i wish i could just get back in time before this theme popped into my mind. my life has been a hell since then and i live constantly scared and suicidal.

Hey guys I just wanted to talk about something I was feeling I feel so trapped and terrible I have a bad pornography addiction even back then idk what to do I'm 17 years old but basically I looked at some very obscure things on the Internet ranging from hentai or just even more messed up things when I was younger I think maybe early teens I remember randomly just started remembering things I saw now I do not remember if I acted on them or jerked off to them idk what to do I feel so ashamed trapped I feel like I can't enjoy life anymore for what I've done I been introduced to porn when I was young idk what to do I seem alot back then some memories pop certain ones I don't remember if I had pleasured myself to it it feels like I did I have so much shame if I did but idk what to do