it feels like im drowning. i feel trapped. rocd vent my rocd has made things difficult in my relationship with my boyfriend, and i’m frightened that it’s the end i cant breathe without thinking it’s the end of him and me, i cant eat at all and i cant stop living with fear it’s been rocky lately with him, but i’m determined to keep going i want to because i truly cherish him, and love him yet my brain keeps asking me if i really do want to keep going, if i really do love him, and if i’m really okay with spending my days just dreading the end im obviously not, i want things to be okay again, but my ocd keeps haunting and haunting me and i’m so scared that these thoughts are my real ones, that these are my true feelings ive been open about my ocd with him, and this has contributed to the rocky patch it doesn’t help that i’m not formally diagnosed, and it also doesn’t help that i’ve been doubting whether or not i have ocd. (i have what i believe are a lot of the symptoms, but even then i doubt myself) i just feel like i’m drowning. i want peace in my head and in my heart. i want things to be back to normal with him and me, and i want to be happy. it just doesn’t feel the same, and i feel like it’s my fault for starting us on this rocky path. the last thing i want is a breakup, yet my thoughts tell me that i’d like freedom. they chant that i need to escape and run far far away. they make me feel like the only way out of the way i feel is by ending it, and i don’t want to end it. the only things moving me forward is the knowledge that i’ll get to speak to a professional soon (in two weeks), and the hope that things get better in time. thank you to whoever reads my rant, and i’m sorry if this is triggering. i just needed to write how i feel somewhere. reassurance has been driving me downhill, so please don’t reassure me. if possible, just give me advice on how to cope with feeling this way.

Relationship OCD

cjv

Date posted: 3y

I’m currently engaged and up until recently, have been so so happy. I know I love him and that he makes me happy. I’m trying to remind myself that this could be OCD when these thoughts and doubts pop into my mind. He’s the biggest part of my life… and the best part of it. I hope we both get the help we need to overcome this.

cheyras

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 3y

Oh man I feel this in my soul. I had such a difficult time with this. You’re not alone. My path to marrying my wife was not much like most people, and that is OK. It was very much a conscious choice, and had relatively little with how I felt all the time. I knew that things were good when I was not anxious and that when I was, things were bad. She was not the source of my worries. I was open with her about my worries. It caused her some discomfort but she was supportive and understood the best she could. That’s how I rationally knew that letting her go would be just the dumbest mistake of my life. Of course rationalizing it like that doesn’t make the worry go away, so again it was a conscientious choice I had to make. I had to sit with the possibility that I was committing to someone I didn’t love enough, or wasn’t attracted to enough, all that BS. I didn’t get to rely on the “head over heels, butterflies in the stomach, twitterpated” feelings everyone else takes for granted. In those moments that you are overanalyzing how you feel about someone, it makes it impossible to feel those positive emotions. I will tell you that making a firm choice (getting engaged) did not remove the anxiety entirely but it did reduce it. And then once I “locked in” that choice and got married, it reduced even further to where it was much more manageable day to day. Been married 7 years now with a beautiful daughter. Still have intrusive thoughts I’m working through here but please know, ending your relationship is not the only way to get relief. I can tell you that from experience.

mirbrach

Date posted: 3y

I feel like I don’t love my husband of almost 18 years and I feel like I don’t want to be with him. It’s scaring the living daylights out of me. I just think about it all day and dream about it as well. It feels torturous. I wish I would feel differently.

cheyras

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 3y

Just to clarify, when I say I was open with her, I don’t mean that I constantly sat there bringing it up to her (aka acting on a compulsion.) just that she was aware that I had a lot of anxiety about these certain themes, but that it didn’t mean I don’t like her or something, it just is how my brain works.

pennydreadful

Date posted: 3y

i know my reply is a bit late, but thank you so much for sharing your story, and your advice :) it may seem silly, but it means so much to me (especially since i’m struggling so so much). i hope everything goes well with ur daughter and wife :)

pennydreadful

Date posted: 3y

one of the worst parts, is that my brain makes me believe that i’m lying about how i feel. that i really wouldn’t be that devastated, and that what i just wrote down is just pure bullshit. as soon as i write down how i feel, it all feels like one huge lie, and that i’m playing it all up so i don’t have to confront the “truth” of the matter: that i’m “doomed”, “stuck in a rocky rocky relationship” , and that “the only way i’ll get relief is ending it”.

whatadooo

Date posted: 3y

We have to not inform our partners of our ocd thoughts. It's a compulsion. They don't understand ocd so they're just going to view it as harmful and clearly it makes the rocd worse for yourself. No more telling him . Start off with a clean state and go to enjoy the day

Mariabae

Date posted: 8w

i need help, i dont know what is happening

I believe I have ROCD — at least, that’s what many people here have told me based on what I’ve shared — and I really need help, because I feel like I’m falling apart. I don’t know what I feel anymore. I don’t know what’s real. My thoughts come as loud, cold statements — not questions. They say things like: “Nothing is the same.” “You don’t love him.” “You’re just staying because you’re used to him.” And even though I know I’m supposed to let the thoughts pass and not engage with them — I can’t. I get stuck in them. I try to find answers, I ruminate, I check, I cry, I panic. Everyone says “love isn’t just a feeling” — and I know that. But… I still want to feel something. I want to feel warmth, or connection, or even just peace. It’s been so long since I felt anything like that. Now everything just feels empty or terrifying or cold. My brain only gives me negative interpretations. No memory brings me comfort anymore. Nothing feels like it used to. And the worst part is — it all feels true. Sometimes I think: “What if I’m just denying the truth?” “What if I’ve finally realized that I don’t love him, and I just don’t want to admit it?” This feels like the worst version of myself. I’m so confused and scared and tired. Even therapy didn’t help — my therapist said things that made it worse, and now I don’t know who or what to believe anymore. I just want help. I want to know how to face ROCD — if that’s what this really is. I want to believe I can feel love again. I don’t want to lose myself in this forever. Has anyone else felt like this? How did you start to get better? i cant even remember past good memories with him, my head tells me that i didnt love him and i was just “excited “ to have someone. We have 2 years together and i have been dealing with this for a year and a half.

Mariabae

Date posted: 7w

please read- rocd… or is it? im in agony

Hi. I wanted to stop posting here, but I can’t hold it in anymore. I’m feeling so lost. I’m in a relationship that, from the outside, looks wonderful. We’ve been together for 2 years. He loves me deeply. He’s kind and caring. And still… I can’t feel anything. I can’t imagine a future with him — living together, starting a family, growing old. When I try, it feels like something in me shuts down, like it’s wrong. I don’t feel happiness in the relationship. I don’t feel love, warmth, or comfort. I feel anxiety, numbness, guilt, and fear. We fight over the smallest things. My thoughts scream that I don’t love him, that I’m forcing this, that I’m just used to him. The scariest part is: sometimes I feel okay, even calm. And that’s when it hits me — “What if this calm means I’ve accepted the truth? What if I don’t love him?” It feels like I’m in shock. Like I’m finally seeing clearly… but I’m terrified that it’s a clarity I never wanted. I don’t know what’s real anymore. I just know that I’m exhausted. And I want peace. If anyone else has felt this — the numbness, the fear, the doubt that feels like the truth — please tell me how you’ve gotten through it. I don’t want to lose him. But I also don’t want to keep living like this. i know that people reading this will tell me to leave. but i dont have any reasons. All the problems started because of my never ending thoughts. i feel like i ruin everything. i feel like i have changed. im so lost and scared. i dont understand what is happening. It feels so real. im in agony, im crying so much. I wasnt always like this. i am trying to remember times i felt better and i cant. i cant feel anything. its so hard. i can’t explain how i feel and in scared what are you going to respond if someone will. i usually see “if you feel so bad then leave” but its not like that. he loves me so much and if the thoughts werent there it would gave been so different. everything was perfect. but i keep thinking that when the thoughts started, one and a half years ago, i realised that “i just dont like him” and gbat i couldn’t accept the truth and i am denying it. i feel fake. do i even have rocd? or is this cope?? why do i feel like this. why does it feel so real? please somebody help me

Mariabae

Date posted: 6w

my chest hurts.

feel like I’ve been stuck in this ROCD cycle for so long that I don’t even know what’s real anymore. Everything feels so heavy and confusing. I keep having thoughts like “I don’t love him,” “I never really did,” “I’m just used to him,” or “I’m staying out of guilt or fear.” They come with a strong emotional pull that makes it feel like I’m finally facing some ‘truth’ — but I don’t even know what that truth is. Even when things are going well with my boyfriend — when he’s loving, caring, affectionate — I still feel disconnected, like I can’t feel love or calmness. And then I feel guilty for not feeling what I think I should feel. I overthink everything: memories, how I used to feel, how I feel now, what I might feel tomorrow. I can’t tell if I’m just scared to lose him or if I’m trying to force something that isn’t there. I’ve read so much about ROCD and I know I’m supposed to sit with the thoughts and let them pass, but sometimes they feel so real that I don’t know how to keep going. Sometimes I even feel numb and that scares me too — like if I don’t react with panic, it must be true. I just want peace. I want clarity. I want to stop analyzing and doubting every moment. Has anyone else felt this way? How do you sit with this and not spiral? Thank you so much for reading. 💔

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