I really need to speak to someone with HOCD. Right now.

@missbluesky please read this!

I’ve had it since I was 12. I’m 19 now. Do you think that means something?

@missbluesky I’m so sorry you’ve suffered for all that time. I’m 22 and I’ve been struggling with this for a few months. I don’t think that a certain amount of time can determine whether or not your thoughts are true. Have you been in therapy or doing ERP?

@Anonymous And I should mention that I had a different ocd theme all through high school

@Anonymous I guess I’m more concerned about the fact that it started when I was 12, when most people realize they are gay/bi

@missbluesky How did it start?

@NihonWarrior516 I kept getting a weird groinal response to women and I started obsessing about whether it made me gay or not

@NihonWarrior516 Are you asking because you think 12 is too young??????

@NihonWarrior516 Please respond I’m feel like I’m going to die

@NihonWarrior516 This is exactly how it started. i went to the mall with my friend and my mom and all day, i had this weird feeling in my vagina, like just there was a feeling like an ache, and it was literally to every single woman i saw- old, fat, ugly- it didn’t matter. then we were in line at the food court and i remember thinking, “this means you’re a lesbian” and I was like “no, i dont look at girls like that!” but then I was like “oh jesus do I??”. then it went away for like, 2 weeks, but as i spent time alone watching movies over christmas break, i just kept getting these thoughts that i might be gay, like creeping into my head like "you need to think about this" and id be watching movies and feel like a single pulse to completely non sexual stuff of women. and so i did think about it and it was all i was thinking about, but I wasn't having like terrible anxiety, it was more like I just was thinking about it so much and felt removed from myself.

@missbluesky OCD can start at any age. I have had these thoughts since I was very young. Anything gay related made me very uncomfortable. I thought this made it true because I had so much anxiety over it. Are you in therapy? Lean into that discomfort.

@OCD33 How young were you?

@OCD33 Did you see how mine started?

@missbluesky Oh like 10.. whenever I saw like risqué woman or pictures I felt arousal. So I thought this meant I was and then I couldn’t let it go and have had this fear since then.

@OCD33 Really? Wow. I guess it can affect anyone at any age. How old are you now?

@OCD33 And did you see how mine started?

@missbluesky Has it been consistent? I was just curious at what age did it start for you. I don’t think OCD of any theme matters in terms of age, a lot of people have it very mildly at a young age and suddenly as an adult they spike like crazy and that’s when it becomes a disorder. But a lot of people also have it bad as a kid. So yeah, was it really bad as a kid or has it just spiked really bad in the last few years?

@NihonWarrior516 It’s been on and off. It was really, really bad when I was 12-14 and then 14-16 I was very much okay, barely thought about it, I was diagnosed at 16 after a relapse and it’s been really bad since I was 17

@NihonWarrior516 Did you see how it started for me?

@missbluesky Yeah I seen how it started. Though I’ll be honest OCD can start for hundreds of reasons, so it’s hard to tell you anything about that. Seems like you’re worried about the age more than anything. I can go on and on about it honestly but the thing about OCD is you can’t really combat it with logic or clear answers. I’m sure someone somewhere has told you both things. But you never feel better even with a yes or no question. No matter what anyone tells you, your mind will make something up to continue this disorder, I know because it’s happened to me everyone knows because they also experienced it. Looking for answers never goes well.

@NihonWarrior516 I’m more concerned about how it started

You don’t understand, I have never gotten a straight answer. Please just tell me if you think this makes me gay/bi. I feel like no one will give me reassurance because they think I actually am.

@missbluesky Well all of us here have OCD as well and everyone knows reassurance is not good for recovery. None of us know what you are because we are not you, a lot of us have difficulty even knowing what we are either.

@missbluesky This is what my ocd latches on to as well. I had these thoughts as a kid so it must mean I am bi or gay… I don’t know if it does and I will never know. Even if someone told me it doesn’t- my ocd will prove that wrong. Yet. Again. Cause ocd is RELENTLESS. It will find some other proof… we clearly are suffering. It’s messed up. But no answer is or will ever be enough for ocd. I promise

@NihonWarrior516 This is really triggering. I just don’t understand why you can ask me all these triggering questions without telling me why you’re asking them. Please. You asked me how it started, not when it started, for a reason. You were asking how it started so you could see if I was in denial or if it was OCD.

@OCD33 I just don’t understand how I can go on with that though. Not thinking through/over it seems like denial.

@missbluesky I was in the same boat. We all are. It’s god awful. But by asking questions and getting reassurance you are feeding that OCD monster.

@missbluesky I’ll tell you how to fix it. You have to accept that you will never know the answer. Trust me I have tried to accept everything, I tried to accept I was gay, tried accept that I was bi, with another one of my themes I was convinced I was a sociopath for months. The thing is it doesn’t work like that, I wasn’t happy with the conclusion I didn’t want to be with the same gender but I wanted to be rid of the OCD so I decided that I’ll just be alone forever but not even that worked. It feels like I have no choice but to be anxious all the time, for what? I don’t even know… I just know that this thing I’ve got is a real problem.

@OCD33 It’s so scary OCD33 😭 I would rather be dead than bisexual.

@NihonWarrior516 I’m just so scared it’s real. It seems like I’m the exception.

@missbluesky Girl I was throwing up every.single.morning. Not going to work and absolutely not able to function! So I get it!! You can do this though!! You are stronger than your thoughts.

@OCD33 That’s exactly how I am when it gets bad. EXACTLY. how old are you now? Was this off and on throughout your teen years?

@missbluesky 26! It comes in waves like alll ocd!! I ended up in the mental hospital and got a diagnoses at 24. But that theme was POCD. But Gay content has ALWAYS made me uncomfortable so was it ocd? Idk? Maybe, maybe not 😉

@OCD33 So this isn’t your main theme?

@OCD33 That scares me because this is my worst, worst, WORST theme.

@missbluesky All of them feel like the worst theme! Right now I have had these theme for 1.5 years, bad!!! But prior I had POCD!! But before that was it HOCD?? Maybe! All themes seem real bad when you are in it. Doesn’t matter the theme. What matters is living with uncertainty:)

@OCD33 So what you said about having HOCD at 10 was a lie????? You didn’t have it???

@missbluesky I don’t know if I did! I will never know !! That’s what is so messed up with OCD in general. Right now you are freaking out and your anxiety is really high.

@OCD33 I always doubted I had pocd because I never thought I was a pedo but I did have intrusive thoughts that made me really uncomfortable. I ignored them all the time but I still hung out with my younger cousins and played with them. I didn’t have attractions just intrusive thoughts. Eventually my parents told me to stop hanging out with my younger cousins because people will get the wrong idea. After this I became really conscious about it and the intrusive thoughts I all around avoided being in the same room as them. I isolated myself for 6 months and I forgot completely about it until I got HOCD and found out that POCD was a thing, wondering if I was experiencing it back then?

@OCD33 By played with them I mean like hot wheels and shit like that lmao

@missbluesky I do understand. You will not get a straight answer. EVER. No one gives you reassurance because we don’t know either and because it’s not good to give you reassurance and we don’t do that here.