Just went down a rabbit hole of googling a lot of stuff for almost 2 hours about pedophilia. And now I’ve got my self scared. I haven’t done it this bad in almost 2 months. I hate this. I was diagnosed with OCD, but some stuff I masturbated to a while back when I had a slight porn addiction is giving me proof. (Not actual children by the way) I’ve had OCD my whole life, and I’m starting to wonder if when I had thoughts about children before my huge spike if they were also intrusive, and I just didn’t care much about them then? Why would I just start caring now. I’m so broken.

Let’sgo I have the same fear. I can remember having these thoughts going back for yearsssss, and I’m so paranoid that that means it’s “real” and I just ignored it and pushed it aside and now it’s coming to get me. It’s a really scary scary feeling, that you’ve built your whole life as a lie. Is it possible that you and I did that? I guess! But I don’t think it’s true. I don’t know how old you are, but I don’t think that sexual deviance just lies dormant and then one day shows up to say hello! People might commit crimes later in life, but I don’t think well-adjusted people just casually wake up one day and discover an entirely secret side of themselves. My therapist said that anyway lolol

Ok, so three years older than me! And you’re welcome. I feel tricked ALL the time recently, even now typing. There’s a tiny voice “why are you trying to lie to this guy and make him think you aren’t a P.” It sucks, but it’s true.

Also, I totally get the temptation to Google about P’s (sorry I hate typing the word sometimes.) but it’s suuuuuchhhh a dead end. Because you will always find an exception to the rule. There’s all the scientific and psychological data, and then there’s one story about a some guy who defies all of the “criteria.” It’s truly a horror show of “But I could be like....!” I still feel compelled to do that sometimes, but I try to not go down that road because you will always find someone who’s story “is like yours.”

I think about that often! What life was like before all of this. But my advice is not to focus on that: it’ll only upset you more to try and “get back to before.” I try to focus my best on building new. OCD has ravaged me at times but it’s also provided me with insight and understanding that I really don’t think a lot of people have unfortunately. That’s the blessing in our curse I believe. So thinking to how I was before only makes me feel depressed that I’m not that, but I can be better now!

Aw thank you. That means so much to me. Finding this forum has been such a help to me. I’ve posted on countless before, but there’s something so great about this one. All of you guys have been so kind and understanding. And you’ve been a great help to me too! Hearing that means the world to me. :)

Just now finding this post but to second things everyone else already said... ocd will always make you think that you need to figure something out and if you just think a little longer you are going to crack the code. LIES LIES LIES it’s a futile search and it’s all uncertainty. You will never find the answers because there are none. Embrace the uncertainty that you can’t figure it out, have confidence in yourself, be kind and compassionate and practice forgiveness in yourself, and tell ocd that it can buck off because you have values and a life worth living. When the thoughts come up, say “oh ok thanks for reminding me I might be a P. I might.. and I might not. Who knows. but I’m currently headed to the gym and it’s a sunny day so I’m going to enjoy this moment :)” Some of the ways I’ve learned to deal with it. Hope it helps

Sometimes it’s okay to not know the answers, accept uncertainity. And it’s okay to feel scared, you did what you thought was best at the time with the resources you have. We all have our ups and downs ?

I like to think that one day we will get through this mess and look back and laugh. And I will be able to pickup my life where I left it back in October when this all started.

Oh good I’m glad it’s helping too lol. That Instagram page literally keeps me going lol

That’s so scary...but why children? & how does OCD relate to the children part?

he has an obsession that revolves around the fear of being attracted to children

That’s true! Thank you for that. I guess I just keep getting tricked by the OCD, and it’s trying to keep me stuck. I’m 24 by the way!

Couldn’t of said it better myself. I really appreciate the support you bring me and the others on this platform. Helping others is something I value and always strive to do. So if you ever need any support from me, I’ve got your back.

Thank you so much. I’ve been monitoring the other thread that you two were talking in and it’s been awesome. Currently going through that Instagram you mentioned. It’s amazing!!