I wish I NEVER had this horrible theme. I get the most taboo horrible shameful intrusive thoughts…I want to just give up

(21+ ONLY PLEASE: TRIGGER WARNING) I’m just so sick of it. I’m letting it win. I’m letting it beat me. I’m losing. I’ve been seeing a therapist but we only meet every two weeks for an hour because of my insurance. I can’t afford any more visits. We’ve been working on ERP but I still feel stuck. Just recently, we went through a drive thru and the kid at the window looked really young. I’m afraid that I found him attractive and I felt a groinal at the thought. I f*cking hate my mind. I don’t think I can do this anymore. I’m trying but I still feel like it’s not enough. I’ve let my parents down, my friends and my family. Everyone who knows me doesn’t know the thoughts I have and how sick and disgusted I feel with myself.

I keep having disgusting sexual and intrusive thoughts about God Jesus, Holy Spirit I feel hopeless and like there’s nothing left for me. What if this is who I am and how I think I can’t even pray without having thoughts or images.

Does anyone else get intrusive thoughts of same sex oral sex? I’ve been struggling with this repeated intrusive thought for over two years, and everytime I get it it’s like a stab in the chest, I hate it so much if I think about it for too long it makes me feel sick and I’d never want to do it so why does it keep coming back 😔