so when I was about 10, I remember was sleeping over at my friend’s house. i remember nothing else except when she fell asleep, i was staring at the ceiling and I was thinking to myself “i’m a lesbian.” nothing had happened, but for some reason i was thinking that. i’ve gone over that night a thousand times over and over but I can’t remember anything else. then, when I was 11, I remember I was thinking about being a lesbian for a few days. during these few days, i looked up the hashtag #lesbian on instagram, stared at girls butts at volleyball practice trying to see if I liked them, and one night, i went downstairs to sit with my parents far past my bedtime. my dad had been drinking and for some reason, the topic of who i would marry came up and he said “when you marry a man, hell you might even marry a woman!” and I felt happy that he had said that because I was thinking about it at the time and i thought to myself “oh my god he just said that” and i sat down with my mom. so i think what caused those few days of questioning was a “crush” i had on an older girl at girl scout camp. i say “crush” because i don’t know if it was; i don’t THINK it was. I thought she was very cool and I wanted to be her friend and she dressed so cool and I was excited that we were in the same group and so in my head I was like “you have a crush on her” but I was like ????what I don’t think so anyways after those few days of questioning, i completely forgot about it and just carried on being completely boy obsessed. never crushed on girls, never looked at women in “that way”, i was really just boy crazy. later that year, I had my first “big crush” on a boy at school. I thought he was the best person to ever exist. my heart raced when he texted me, i thought about him 24/7, I was in a generally euphoric state during the period which i felt I was in “love” with him. i would lay awake at night happy crying because i liked him so much. id write his name on the shower door, id talk to anyone and everyone about him, etc. this carried on for about six months, but he was never interested in me so i moved on. fyi i’m young for my grade so this all happened in sixth grade/summer leading up to 7th. I also started puberty at around 9. then, on december 21st 2013, i went to the mall with my friend and my mom and all day, i had this weird feeling in my vagina, like just there was a feeling like an ache, and it was literally to every single woman i saw- old, fat, ugly- it didn’t matter. then we were in line at the food court and i remember thinking, “this means you’re a lesbian” and I was like “no, i dont look at girls like that!” but then I was like “oh jesus do I??”. then it went away for like, 2 weeks, but as i spent time alone watching movies over christmas break, i just kept getting these thoughts that i might be gay, like creeping into my head like "you need to think about this" and id be watching movies and feel like a single pulse to completely non sexual stuff of women. and so i did think about it and it was all i was thinking about, but I wasn't having like terrible anxiety, it was more like I just was thinking about it so much and felt removed from myself. like id be looking at a conventionally pretty actress in a movie, and i would feel ****sorry this is NSFW***** a single pulse down there? it was so weird, and nothing I had ever felt before but I didn't like it. anyways, i went to school after break for one day and i was still thinking about it, and so I said "if this is still happening, then I'm going to talk to mom about this". and so I told my mom, she told me it was perfectly normal to be thinking about this because i was going through puberty, and she told me it didn'[t mean i was gay or bi. then she said, even if you turn out to be a lesbian, we will love you no matter what. and I felt so happy that I wasn't a lesbian! I was so relieved. I went to school on cloud 9 and was my old self, but the doubts came back and i became wildly anxious and depressed and whether or not I was gay was all i could think about.

I need too know that I'm not insane, really. I am 16 and for the past two weeks, this has been completely ruining my health and happiness. I only recently came out as a lesbian like 3 months ago after a lot of confusion about my attraction since I used to think I liked men. At first, I felt so sure that I liked women, but lately, I've been having these unwanted thoughts about the possibility of liking men. I never used to feel this way, but now, every time I look at a man, my brain obsessively fixates on it. It forces me to imagine kissing him, loving him, things I don’t want, and then tries to convince me that I do. It’s painful. The thought of this fills me with fear and anxiety, leading to panic attacks and breakdowns. I don’t want these thoughts. I hate them with every fiber of my being, but I’m terrified that one day I’ll act on them and somehow like it. I used to think I liked men, but back then, I was in a very unhealthy space in a time of escapism and something deeply parasocial. I’ve only ever liked the attention and validation a man could give me, but these experiences are somehow treated as further proof that I’m "bisexual." I’ve never been in a real relationship with anyone, which makes my brain constantly challenge me—telling me, “You don’t even know what love feels like.” It won’t shut up. It keeps obsessively trying to make me prove that I’m a lesbian, testing my reactions and questioning my certainty. Is this normal?

can someone read my story i’m feeling lost and confused. MY STORY i’ve grown up in a mostly supportive family and area and we are not homophobic. i grew up knowing what gay people were and i don’t care i grew up not to care. im from nj. my parents are friends with a lesbian couple and we see them once in while. i grew up watching people like joey graceffa whose gay. i also had some school friends that were gay like this kid kevin and this girl elizabeth. i also babysit a little gay boy who likes to dress up as a girl and i always tell him to embrace it and defend him. from a young age i liked male attention and had labeled boys as crushes from my mom says when i was younger to middle school to kissing boys in high school. my mom said every since i was a little girl i would tell her i liked boys. as i got older and in middle school i always wanted guys to want me and thing i was funny and pretty and i would get awkward around them. but i remeber i didn’t have specific things i found hot or attractive and id someone said something was hot i would just agree and start telling myself it was hot even when i didn’t care i just wanted to be cool. then hocd hit at 13-15 during covid where i was so confused. the first time i had hocd i would like not avoid the thoughts i would do a lot of testing to figure it out for hours and hours in diffrent ways and would feel the same arousal and attraction im feeling now. but i remeber wanting to end up straight and try and rule out gay stuff. but it wasn’t avoidance i didnt have anything against gay people. when the thoughts were still there i still would only act on stuff with boys. when i first had it i remeber crying to my mom for like a month and i was like whatever she’s not helping im gonna figure this out by myself. that’s when i started testing myself for two years. over time it was just there. ofc it was distressing but i don’t remember much. slowly when i went to high school it faded because i loved going to parties and flirting with guys and talking about them and thinking what boy am i gonna kiss tonight it’s gonna be a crazy night.when covid ended and we went back to real like i started going to parties and kissing boys. i started dating one boy and we would talk all the time just not really hangout so we broke up because i wanted more male attention and was kinda bored of the relation shop. i started hu with this one boy and like didn’t really know if i was into it cause i kinda wanted to hoe around and we were kinda like locked in and i didn’t know if i wanted that. so he got the hint i wasn’t into it and stopped talking to me moved on to another girl and got popular in the span of like two weeks. after this i was obsessed with him and got all nervous to see him and i always just wanted to be like can we go back to the way we were. we then started to “hate” eachother and i was so sad all the time he didn’t want me anymore and moved on. we hooked up in and off for two years. then i started hooking up with this one kid cause i always thought he was really funny and chill. we hooked up for a little and then i started to get the ick. i then got with like two other boys at parties. so then we stopped talking and i started talking to the “hate eachother kid” again. we then started dating and he’s my current boyfriend of a little over a year. all these instances made me feel good and i loved the attention and drama. but i struggled with committing with people. i don’t know if this all for validation because i loved when men wanted me it gave me an ego boost and still does even if i didn’t really want them or couldn’t get it to last with a boy. i’m scared it was all for attention and confidence there attention gave me. i liked feeling like a baddie. i liked when the hot funny guys liked me now at 18 it’s back and for six months all i been doing is talking to my mom my sister and my dad about it constantly researching and checking and for those six months i was in a haze of just despair. i was also in erp but it was so bad i couldn’t sit with the distress so i didn’t make much progress and my pyscuatrust told me to stop for a while until we get my brain right with meds. after three weeks no erp and more meds of seretonin and rexulti i finally don’t feel distress or anxious but the feelings of attraction are still there. i thought there supposed to vanish. here’s a little more about me or my story a second time i wrote it. i’m from nj and from a supportive family and ig supportive environment and friends. i’m 18. just an fyi my mom is confident in not comphet and she says my attraction to men was exciting and real for me. and in high school okay so growing up my mo said i only liked guys and would talk about guy crushes and had two celebrity guy crushes. this was all the way up into middle school. then when middle school came around i started liking this guy cause he was funny and popular. then we started dating and everytime he would do something affectionate i would start crying and get so tense and freak out so i broke up with him. a year later i still liked him and i got back together with him and the same thing happened so i broke up with him. i think during middle school i liked guys. my mom said i did. i also would get really nervous when any of them would come around to hangout and i wouldn’t talk. but i would also just follow what my friends and sister said. if they said a guy was hot i would just agree. i dont know if i actually found them attractive. i still kinda do this to this day. then covid hit for two years. during those two years i was in my house house and got hocd. so i had hocd sexual intrusive thoughts only and had the groinal really bad. but i would still try and have crushes on guys and think i did. but my hocd also attached itself to one of my pretty friends who was a girl. it made me have a lot of sexual thoughts that i would masturbate to about her. it was about her waist and stuff. before hocd me and her were bestfriends and really close and im not sure if i had feelings for her. i mean i was always jealous cause all the guys always wanted her and thought she was pretty. then we got out of covid and i was now in high school. the hocd slowly faded my freshman year. in the begining of freshman year there was this tall brunette guy who i started talking too for months and started dating and i would get all nervous when he came around. then we broke up cause we never hung out. after that for the next two years i developed what i thought two be two genuine crushes. i would make out with cute guys at parties for the experience and to add cute guys to my kids list. but one thing i did is i would always try to prove i was straight to my mom. like if we were watching tv i would say a guy was hot. i didn’t want her to think i was gay even though she wouldn’t care. i was hooking up with my guy best friend but then started to looses interest but he was still obsessed. one day he caught on i wasn’t into it started hanging out with older people and going to there parties and started hooking up with this older girl. i got super jealous and heartbroken cause he didn’t care about me. i don’t know if this heartbreak and crying was because he got popular, he wasn’t giving me attention, we weren’t friends anymore or because i actually liked him. i always had a thing for him after this. i started going to the older people parties and i always wanted to see him there and make him jealous. one and half years later we started talking again and we started dating. once we started dating we started having sex. almost every time or most of the time i finish when he eats me out, we have actual sex or if we’re just humping. we say i love you and stuff. ths first six months we would do everything together like just little shopping trips or whatever. we were always hanging out. then it started to dial down and i started getting annoyed with him. but i still said love you and we would hangout and have sex but idk. i would have thoughts like we aren’t going to last because he’s not smart enough, and sometimes my mom would say this too. but she would also say how much he loved me and how he was such a sweet guy and how he would do anything for me. but idk i just wouldn’t feel it. then hocd hit again. this time much worse. it was even stronger it felt like with the feelings. the first three months i was in this haze and was crying everyday that i might be gay and how i really really really didn’t want to be. i still have hocd and im in therapy and on medication. i cant tell if my attraction to men is real. my mom says it is and she knows me and im not gay and ive shown genuine excitement about guys. my sister says the same thing. but it feel like ive just been doing it to fit in. the thoughts got bad and ive told my mom my sister my dad and ive wanted to tell my bestfriend. i’ve always found women attractive and i find it easier to find them attractive. i feel like i’ve always maybe had a thing for women but my mom and sister both say i never had and it’s only been men but i don’t know. Am I attracted to men? am i attracted to women? i don’t want to be gay! but i feel like i am and i have internalized homophobia since i just want to be straight and normal. it feels like i really do like women but i don’t want to accept it. i get turned on when i kiss my boyfriend and i finish driving sex most the time but i’m scared i don’t want to be kissing him. what if i lack a strong connection. i mean i enjoy cuddling and stuff too. i have all these feelings like butterflies groinals and feelings of alignment with sexual and romantic thoughts with women. i feel like ive just been following along with what i know when it comes to being straight. i’m not like other girls who are obsessed with guys and have all these celebrities crushes or are obsessed with biceps and jawlines. i feel diffrent cause i don’t even know what i find attractive. i don’t even know what im supposed to feel. it feels like i feel attraction easier to women. like little things about them. i feel like i maybe always had this feeling but pushes it away as admiration. also i had “crushes” on any boy that gave me attention. currently at 18 im in a relationship right now for over a year. when we have sex i finish most of the time. i finish during sex and head. i’d say i enjoy and im engaged. like today me and my boyfriend had sex twice he gave me head and fingered me. i finish for all four. i like nararate what’s happening in my head to get turned on and focus. like how we’re having sex and about things about him how he’s so good to me. or like i think of a sex scene i’ve seen on tv and imagine that like i’m the girl ig so it feels like im focusing on the girl but like i don’t think i am. if i let my mind go blank i don’t feel anything. i have to really relax and tell myself things that are happening to turn me on. if i was lesbian would i do this like does this show im attracted to men? also like when my bf talks about marriage im not like other girls i feel like im not obsessed with it like my sister or confident that he’s the one even tho he’s perfect. its so unfair. like i just think to myself i haven’t experienced enough and what if this is going no where and idk i don’t day dream or think about getting married. why?? im just scared all this attraction hasn’t been genuine or “comphet” which ive read about. recently for the second time with hocd it’s this undeniable pull of attraction towards women and it’s confusing and i think most of the time makes me really sad. im diagnosed and medicated for my ocd for this theme. the feelings are strong and intense and sometimes feel like it’s me or i want or enjoy it. it’s really confusing because i don’t want to be gay but idk if it’s for the wrong reasons. these feelings are really easy and strong and like idk not like what i feel to guys. it’s just idk if im as obsessed with guys like my friends are. it comes easily to them and im always like do i feel that why dont i feel like hes hot. i mean idc if people think im homophobic ig but like im not i think like i dont really care what you are and i babysit this gay boy and i always tell him to embrace it but lesbian and bi women idk make me feel a lot and i hate it. like i feel strong arousal or a feeling of a pull towards women want it or an urge or nervous excitement and butterflies. i am taking a break from erp since my physcatrist said im not ready since i cant sit with distres yet so she started new meds for my ocd and now the distress is like gone but the physical symptoms are still there and feel really strong and real and come effortlessly or easier. i just wish i had this for men. like six months of just crying distress non stop and now it’s just like calm but like all the feelings are still there and i thought they were supposed to go away when the distress went away. it’s like i don’t feel the fear anymore. it feels like im considering it. its it real? i still feel depressed when i think it is. like idk its like this darkness. when im straight im happy. its like yeah the distress went down but i still dont want it to be true but cant tell if it is. idk it just feels like its stronger then men. like have i been pushing aside or not realizing attraction to women and to busy with male validation? do i have internalized homophobia because gay feels like the scariest outcome? would i have had all these experiences with men if i wasn’t attracted to them? would my mom and sister also confidently say i like men? is this all just hold false attraction? i hope so. it’s weird cause i have hocd fear of being lesbian. i would love to be straight and feel that way again all the problems would be solved. like i rather be straight then won the lottery. or if a genie gave me three wishes i would wish to be completely straight. would i feel this way if i was actually lesbian which is my fear. And back to u know how in covid i had hocd where for two years i was trying to figure out if i liked girls. and then it slowly faded when covid ended and i was 15. after covid i went back to kissing boys at parties and down the shore when i would go out because i enjoyed there attention it made me feel good. it was also fun to do like kiss boys and flirt and it added to the night it was fun to talk about it. i only would act on stuff with men want to snapchat men like male attention and was jelous when other girls got it and snaps from boys or kissed i hot guy i wanted to kiss and have that experience. i didn’t really think about girls i don’t think. i mean sometimes it popped in my head but i think it scared me or i would just brush it off. would i have done this if i was comphet lesbian? or like i just want to know is it likely i’m lesbian or bi and didn’t realize or did but ignored it? like i feel like liking girls is so normal where i live but idk i still feel uncomfortable like when i go to the mall i always see lesbians. and like my straight girl friends have crushes on girls. or there’s lesbians in my school. but idk i still have this feeling when u see them. or when i imagine it. it’s like would i have gotten into a relationship at 17 with a man and have sex with him and consistently finish and hang out once a week and we’re still dating after a year and a half. like am i attracted to men? can the attraction to men go away? can i conclude i’m not lesbian and will never be one. like im either straight or bi with prefrence for men not women or can that change. or like would my mom and sister know since we’re super close?

trigger warning!!!!!! I’m really scared right now. I’ve been reading Elle Warren’s articles about her experience with HOCD/SO-OCD, and it feels so similar to mine. She went through the same fears of being a lesbian, felt distressed by her attraction to women, and spent hours ruminating, Googling, and analyzing her feelings. She even experienced groinal responses and revisited old memories, just like I do. Eventually, she had a moment of realization in college when she flirted with a girl, and everything clicked. She now identifies as a lesbian. I’m terrified that the same thing will happen to me. I thought the OCD fears were supposed to never be true and that HOCD thoughts are usually just compulsions that don’t end up being real. But reading her story, it’s like I’m seeing my own experience mirrored. What if it clicks for me, just like it did for her? What if I realize that I am a lesbian? Elle’s story makes me so scared. I thought my feelings of attraction to women were just OCD-driven, and now I’m questioning everything. I thought I was straight, but now, reading her journey, I’m wondering: could my OCD fears actually be real? Elle’s experience was very similar to mine: • She got distressed when she thought she might like women, not relieved. • She spent a lot of time ruminating, Googling, analyzing, and comparing. • Her attraction to women only became intense when her OCD flared up. • She said things like, “I feel peace when I believe I’m straight.” • She had already been diagnosed with OCD and had a history of this pattern. After years of fear and distress, Elle had a moment of calm and realized that it was true. I’m scared that this could happen to me too. Will I have a similar moment of acceptance, where everything clicks and I realize I’m gay? Or will I come to accept that this is all OCD, and that I’m straight, with the possibility that I’m not? I also keep thinking back to when my OCD lessened the first time. Did I go back to men because I wasn’t actually attracted to women, or was it just because the grip of the OCD had loosened? Elle also talked about the shame associated with non-heterosexuality. She mentioned that, like many of us, she had internalized stigma around being gay, and that it made her fear the possibility of being non-heterosexual. I can relate to this so much—growing up, I never saw it as an option to be anything other than straight, and now it’s hard to shake that fear and shame. Elle mentioned that she found reassurance in seeing other people with HOCD who worried that their fears would come true, but eventually realized they were just OCD thoughts. That idea is comforting, but also a little scary, because what if that moment of realization happens for me too? What if I finally accept that I am a lesbian? Or, what if I’m just struggling with OCD and eventually realize I’m straight? I just don’t know. The scariest part is that, just like Elle, I feel like I don’t have any obvious signs. She had no idea she was a lesbian until one day, everything clicked. She was 21, just like me when my OCD fears really flared up, and she had a breakthrough moment in Denver when she made friends with lesbians. That hasn’t happened for me yet, and it’s terrifying to think that it could happen in the future. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I’m really scared about where this will lead.