so when I was about 10, I remember was sleeping over at my friend’s house. i remember nothing else except when she fell asleep, i was staring at the ceiling and I was thinking to myself “i’m a lesbian.” nothing had happened, but for some reason i was thinking that. i’ve gone over that night a thousand times over and over but I can’t remember anything else. then, when I was 11, I remember I was thinking about being a lesbian for a few days. during these few days, i looked up the hashtag #lesbian on instagram, stared at girls butts at volleyball practice trying to see if I liked them, and one night, i went downstairs to sit with my parents far past my bedtime. my dad had been drinking and for some reason, the topic of who i would marry came up and he said “when you marry a man, hell you might even marry a woman!” and I felt happy that he had said that because I was thinking about it at the time and i thought to myself “oh my god he just said that” and i sat down with my mom. so i think what caused those few days of questioning was a “crush” i had on an older girl at girl scout camp. i say “crush” because i don’t know if it was; i don’t THINK it was. I thought she was very cool and I wanted to be her friend and she dressed so cool and I was excited that we were in the same group and so in my head I was like “you have a crush on her” but I was like ????what I don’t think so anyways after those few days of questioning, i completely forgot about it and just carried on being completely boy obsessed. never crushed on girls, never looked at women in “that way”, i was really just boy crazy. later that year, I had my first “big crush” on a boy at school. I thought he was the best person to ever exist. my heart raced when he texted me, i thought about him 24/7, I was in a generally euphoric state during the period which i felt I was in “love” with him. i would lay awake at night happy crying because i liked him so much. id write his name on the shower door, id talk to anyone and everyone about him, etc. this carried on for about six months, but he was never interested in me so i moved on. fyi i’m young for my grade so this all happened in sixth grade/summer leading up to 7th. I also started puberty at around 9. then, on december 21st 2013, i went to the mall with my friend and my mom and all day, i had this weird feeling in my vagina, like just there was a feeling like an ache, and it was literally to every single woman i saw- old, fat, ugly- it didn’t matter. then we were in line at the food court and i remember thinking, “this means you’re a lesbian” and I was like “no, i dont look at girls like that!” but then I was like “oh jesus do I??”. then it went away for like, 2 weeks, but as i spent time alone watching movies over christmas break, i just kept getting these thoughts that i might be gay, like creeping into my head like "you need to think about this" and id be watching movies and feel like a single pulse to completely non sexual stuff of women. and so i did think about it and it was all i was thinking about, but I wasn't having like terrible anxiety, it was more like I just was thinking about it so much and felt removed from myself. like id be looking at a conventionally pretty actress in a movie, and i would feel ****sorry this is NSFW***** a single pulse down there? it was so weird, and nothing I had ever felt before but I didn't like it. anyways, i went to school after break for one day and i was still thinking about it, and so I said "if this is still happening, then I'm going to talk to mom about this". and so I told my mom, she told me it was perfectly normal to be thinking about this because i was going through puberty, and she told me it didn'[t mean i was gay or bi. then she said, even if you turn out to be a lesbian, we will love you no matter what. and I felt so happy that I wasn't a lesbian! I was so relieved. I went to school on cloud 9 and was my old self, but the doubts came back and i became wildly anxious and depressed and whether or not I was gay was all i could think about.

Yes it does

@missbluesky no it doesn’t you need to get off this app please and to accept uncertainty. sexuality isn’t meant to be a journey of extreme distress. i’m so sick of seeing people like you in this state. i feel so bad.

@missbluesky Holley is right. It doesn’t matter. What you thought about or did when you were 10 or 12 or 5 or 15 has no meaning (unless you’re 15 then it could just be an intrusive thought) stop playing with the past. Let it go! Practice self love; and maybe even read up on guilt and shame. It has helped me to let go of things too

@Justmesadly What do you mean unless I was 15? Are you being Sarcastic lol I can’t tell

@Justmesadly About the guilt and shame, that sort of makes it sound like you think I’m “ashamed” of being gay.

@missbluesky I meant unless you’re currently 15 and this happened now then you probably know if it was intrusive or not. Or if at the time you were okay with it and now it’s so ocd! And no that’s not what that means… try to listen and hear instead of taking everything as an insult and defending yourself. It means we may be ashamed of the thoughts we have, things we did as a child, etc so to accept them or not be held back by them we read and understand guilt, shame etc. It helps in all aspects of life

@missbluesky These people are right as well. You gotta accept that you had the thoughts in the first place. That’s not accepting that they reflect on your sexuality because they don’t.

But what about all of those other things in my past?

@missbluesky i’m honestly not sure. like i said you need to practice the uncertainty like you might be you might not who knows🤷🏼‍♀️ if you don’t like the idea of dating the opposite gender then you aren’t gay. if you aren’t sure what you want then like i said uncertainty you don’t have to figure it out right now.

@sb12367 I can’t accept that. I need to know that these things in the past are or aren’t signs of being gay.

@missbluesky if you aren’t going to take advice from anyone then we can’t help you unfortunately. you need to get professional help not ask for reassurance on this app. i hope that doesn’t come off as rude but we want to help you❤️

@sb12367 You’re not being rude, but I just don’t understand how I’m supposed to cope. I would rather die than be bisexual.

@missbluesky i know, ocd is so terrible. like i said if you don’t like the thought of it or you don’t want to then you don’t have to. you will figure everything out you just need to do some erp. have you ever considered going to an ocd specialist?

@sb12367 I did ERP through here but it didn’t work because I never stopped compulsions

@missbluesky well i think you should seek professional help if you can’t stop doing compulsions. i stopped doing compulsions because i didn’t want to be living like that and i stopped and i feel a lot better i’m doing the uncertainty way

@missbluesky The only signs of being gay that can involve your past are experimentations. Everything else is your overthinking. A lot of gay people and straight people experience the same things growing up, tiny interest in same sex doesn’t mean you are gay or were gay as a kid it just means you are someone who had a small curiosity, you are obsessing over a curiosity you had as a kid but you won’t really notice many gay people talk about these things like they were what made them gay or like they are gay exclusive things that kids do. A lot of gay people will tell you that there is a possibility if they’re decent people but anyone that says it’s a 100% fact doesn’t understand and are willingly ignorant to OCD. So are they signs of being gay? No but in my opinion there’s no such thing as signs. Being gay isn’t an illness nor is it a thunder storm preceding rain, there aren’t omens one experiences before they realize they are gay. Simple fact is it just is or isn’t in the end of the day, they found enjoyment out of it so they are gay or the very least bi or sexually confused even, there are so many answers but that’s why nothing is certain in the end of the day. Many people go through this and come out and experiment just to realize they don’t like it, some do but can’t come to terms with it. End of the day even if you are, you still have OCD and SOOCD specifically and your case is pretty obviously OCD, not reassuring your sexuality just your condition. So if you were to come to any conclusions it won’t mark the end of your battles with SOOCD specifically. Because you haven’t treated any of your problems yet. See a therapist, it’s scary I know I am going through the same thing, it’s like I’m imprisoned in my head and even when I get a straight answer I think “I’m probably the exception” or “is there any actual truth to this” and all the “If’s” in the world. You keep taking steps back without moving forward that’s why you aren’t getting any wins. There’s no signs of being gay, there are actions that are common among gay people but in the end of the day there is a gay person with about every story in the book. Married to opposite sex only to realize they were gay (before you freak this is probably the most uncommon way and usually preceded by some sort of trauma within the marriage or family/religious beliefs), knew since a young age that they liked same sex and didn’t like opposite sex, felt different while following everyone else’s lead while growing up in terms of relationships only to find out you were repressed, Assault…, or you can experiment at whatever age and decide you are done with straight relationships this one is actually more bi than full on gay. But millions of other possibilities. There are people who thought they were gay and realized they were straight or bi it’s really not that serious. If you liked boys genuinely (and I know it’s hard to tell right now) in the past then even if you have an attraction to girls you will never be gay even if you wanted it. Now if you were confused and had relationships while confused then that’s a whole different ball park but genuine attraction and desire doesn’t go away even if you have a slight interest in the same sex and it’s up to you if you would ever even do anything with the same sex. I get it, it sucks and your scared of the future. With SOOCD there is comfort in that anxiety because there is more certainty that way. It’s scary getting professional help because they don’t tell you that you are anything they just diagnose your OCD and treat it, but that’s because it’s up to you to decide that, I believe this is a crossroads and in the end this is probably the most free will you will ever get in terms of this topic of sexuality because all therapy does is get you thinking clearer.

@NihonWarrior516 You need to stop commenting on people’s posts you say some extremely extremely triggering things.

@Justmesadly The fact that people get triggered proves they have OCD and that it’s lying to them. I’m sorry though.

@NihonWarrior516 Yes that doesn’t mean you can post anything and everything and you should try not to say things things.

@Justmesadly I actually delete a lot of the more triggering things, it’s hard to measure how bad someone is through text but I usually try not to say anything that will screw someone over. I get it though, I go through the same things as you all, hell my main place before coming to NOCD was Reddit and the stuff that happens there is knarly.

@NihonWarrior516 It doesn’t matter how bad someone is. You’re on an ocd app. Think as if everyone is extremely extremely bad off. Yes I was on Reddit too. Doesn’t matter where you are, still should avoid triggering people

@Justmesadly Yeah I’m sorry I’ll be more careful.