nothing worse than doing a sexual checking compulsion and it doesn’t come out how you want it

When i do the compulsion of checking if i want my bf or a girl it always makes me feel like with my bf i cant kiss 1nd then i am like this is because of ocd but when i then think about kissing a woman it feels like it would go easy , shouldnt the compulsion bring me peace like bad reassurance ? Does this mean i am not into men , it feels way to similar ,like my intrusive thoughts are like normal thoughts

i did something terrible trying to prove to myself that I can get """arousal""" even without being attracted because i was very nervous about pocd, I thought about several people that i'm not attracted to and then i did it thinking about a loved one and now I can't stop crying, It was very disgusting, I didn't even want to do it because I didn't feel good, but it's because I wanted to prove to myself that, I don't know. I just wanted to relieve the anxiety but it only got worse because I felt horrible doing it. I never want to do it again. im not attracted to this person, nor do I feel anything like that for them, but I feel terrible now, I've never been so scared. i want to apologize to them too. is this compulsion????? what was i doing? why did i do this, i feel horrible but i i want to test myself again, i don't know why (im using a translator, there may be something wrong, please help me)

Guys I just wanted to hang up and I was looking at pornography every time I was you know do it and I would get bombarded with thoughts I'd get overwhelmed with them like my mind is just constantly thinking of and it was just so hard infuriating I was looking at like anime pornography and Isaw one of the videos that looks familiar I watched it before but I remember they had like a underage anime character and then I clicked off it as soon as I saw them and my mom said oh you clicked it just so you can see that and what makes it worse is like pretty ejaculation already leaked out so now it feels like I did it i didn't even jerk off to you all I did was see the thumbnail and then I have thoughts like saying oh well might as well already get off to it when it wasnt the content I wanted to see I seen that the thumbnail before in the sight I just ignored it was focusing on the video I wanted to see for now I feel like i have to restart everything not only with the overwhelming thoughts but also my thoughts made it feel like I was actively seeking it like if I want my thought it was like oh you knew it was going to be there but u still click it anyway oh yes I had a feeling but as soon as I saw it I clicked off I don't know I'm just overthinking I guess and also like as soon as I saw it like my mind had a urge like might aswell get off to it finish it very hard I don't even remember how I climaxed I don't even know if I did it right but now I feel like I have to restart