Anyone suffer with false memory ocd? I am at my wits end with this now. My ocd has always focused on either my sexuality (which is the milder one) or hurting a child perhaps in a sexual way (the most awful one ever). The thought I have at the moment revolves around sleeping in the same bed as my niece. The ocd keeps saying to me “what if when you were asleep you put your leg over her and your bits touched her?” I just cannot get this horrid thought out of my head. I think I am a disgusting person to have this thought. I keep saying that I would remember and arguing with the ocd but it comes back with another what if...... I cannot bear this any longer and just feel like ending it all. I lost my mum two years ago and am really struggling. I have had a lot of traumatic events in the last few years and now this pathetic ocd comes up with this after years. I hate it. I have a counsellor and for a few days I can see it for what it is then I tumble back down into the black pit. Can anyone help please? Xx

My false memory is about when I felt aroused when I picked up a 2 year old or 3 year old I can’t remember how old she was. I was probably 14 or 15. When I was about 19 I started having harm ocd in nursing school and then one day (three years ago) the thought popped in my head “ what if you touched that child” and I remembered feeling aroused and i got so scared that maybe I did and I was severely depressed and anxious and thought I was going crazy and losing touch with reality. I remember feeling aroused once or twice before then and thinking how maybe it’s just my body saying that you want a baby etc and obviously I just let it go until this awful thought “what if” came into my mind and then once I started ruminating and worrying about past memories that maybe proved it was true etc it got so much worse. Eventually my mom took me to the doc because I had “anxiety” and I sat in the doctors office thinking I was a P. The more you feed into the ocd the more you can’t figure out what is real and not real. My best advice for you: Try to stop ruminating. The intrusive thoughts “what if” can come in but tell ocd oh yeah maybe I did do that maybe I didn’t but I’m choosing to accept the uncertainty. The best thing that has helped me is to think “confidence over certainty” I’m not certain I didn’t touch that child because certainty is never attainable and especially as a ocd sufferer, but I’m confident that I would have the moral code to 1/ not do that 2/ just “forget” and move on I’ve came a long way and medication has helped a ton.. currently in therapy and learning how to combat the rumination and intrusive thoughts (about false memory) and it is helping... hope you can recover

Also practice compassion and be kind to yourself

I am going through this right now. A few weeks ago I wanted to kill myself because of this, I know exactly what you feel. I have improved a lot since then, a way to go but I have a bit of hope now.

I was like that a few months ago, I’m sorry you are going through this. It’s horrible I am trying ACT, it’s accepting that its my False Memory OCD. It’s been working very well for me. I have a ‘mantra’ that I repeat every time I have the thought.

I’m glad you are doing better Lewis

Thank you so much everyone for your kind words. I have had this type of OCD for 30 years and each time an intrusive thought has come up I have always felt this way and tried to get certainty to no avail. In the end these other thoughts which crippled me back then no longer do that. This thought just seems so scary as it is saying what if when I was asleep?! Daft I know! I know 100% that I would never do anything against my morals but this one seems to be twisting it. I know this never happened at all but the OCD makes it seem so real. If I wouldn't do something like that whilst awake why the hell would I when I was asleep?!!! It is just a crazy disorder and the anxiety this time round is the worse I have ever felt. I used to tell my Mum all my thoughts and can't now she isn't here. I have told friends who just think it is ridiculous which I know it is but it just won't leave my head alone. I do get some days where I can see it for what it is....the lying OCD but I need to be able to cling onto that. Last week I felt much better but like I say I got so upset about my Mum again it just takes me back to square one.

I’m so sorry about your mum girl any amount of stress can make ocd ten times worse. It can feel so very real. Are you in therapy?

I am in therapy but over facetime. My counsellpr has known me for 10 years and knows me very well. I start to get over it but then i just get upset about my Mum again out of nowhere and it makes the thoughts seem real again. I feel sick all of the time and have lost weight. I have started to go jogging but today has been the worst day and I was in bed.....

I’m so sorry. You sound like me when it started and my relapse. Food tasted awful and nothing seemed to be worth it. I promise it gets better with help. Is it an ocd specialist tho?

He is an OCD specialist. We do theory a and b and erp. He is lovely. He has got me through all of the other OCD obsessions and they crippled me like this one is now. I know I will eventually look back at this obsession and realise how ridiculous it was. The other obsessions I have had have been truly awful compared to this mild one! It's just crazy how your mind creates all of these things in your head and won't leave you alone. I get so scared when I have OCD. X

Lewis thank you for your help. What is your mantra? I haven't tried ACT. Perhaps I will ask my counsellor x

Yes it’s pocd is the worst because it’s so scary and against our morals. It feels so scary but you can do it! You take away the rumination and response to it and once ocd, like a bully, recognizes it can’t win will back off until it fades away into the background

Thank you so much for replying to me today. It has meant such a lot. I know EXACTLY what I have to do to get the OCD to stop bullying me but this one for some reason is just so hard. Probably because everything that has happened over the last few years is now hitting me. I know when this one has gone that I hope I don't have as much stress as I have had 3 years ago......I lost my step dad friend and uncle in three months.......found out my husband was having an affair with a friend,I moved 4 times in the Space of 18 months . My divorce came through 3 weeks before my Mum died. I had to argue over the settlement whilst looking after my Mum. I had to sell my Mums house and empty it all out on my own as my brother wouldn't help. All he wanted was the money then tried to accuse me of holding money back. It was awful. I have a lot of my mum's things still as I can't bear to part with them. Even writing this is making me cry xx

That’s not a problem! I’m happy to help. So my Mantra was advised by my Therapist and Ali Greymond (YouTuber I highly recommend) Every time the thought comes in my head “From this moment on, I am no longer going to pay attention to this thought. This is False memory OCD. I’m going to live my life and not deal with it anymore” It doesn’t matter if you believe it or not, you are making the choice not to believe it. Then after you say it, focus on something else. If it comes back a second later, repeat again. The less attention you pay the thought, the less you ruminate, the more you think “I can do this” - don’t fall into the trap of feeling a little better so it’s safe to go back and think/figure it out. Ali explains better in videos! :)

Thank you Lewis. I know about Ali Greymond and was going to book some sessions with her in fact. She explains false memory ocd exactly how it is. I do have her morning and evening affirmations and was doing them last week but haven't this week. I think I have done what you said not to do......when I feel slightly better I do go back and think about it to make sure !!! It's a never ending cycle at the moment. I am talking with my therapist tomorrow and I am going to get back on track no.matter how hard it feels. I know this obsession will go and I will feel silly but that's OCD for you. I have been bullied a lot of my life and I am not going to be bullied by this disorder.....Even writing this it is saying to me "well it isn't ocd is it?" It is such a wicked disorder. Xx

Let me know how she is. I’ve been considering booking some sessions with her too. She understands it exactly! Do you notice how when you follow what she says it does get better. Then you get distracted or if you get tired later on in the day, or think it’s safe to go back and reassure yourself then it goes back to being worse right? OCD will make you think it’s not working, but it does. If you hear it say “well it isn’t OCD is it?” Repeat the mantra, move on, repeat etc

You are so very right Lewis. When I follow what she says it gets easier and the mist clears but then you go back and check and reassure yourself like you said and it gets worse. I have to learn to say the mantra to myself. We will get over this lovely xx

Yeah, write it down. Keep it on you. Learn it, if we stick to it, it gets easier. Who knows what’s beyond that, let’s find out haha!