It seems like nothing is giving me relief anymore. I’m in full panic mode and I’m so scared these thoughts won’t stop and that they are true. Idk what to do. I keep thinking if I just be with a girl then all of my anxiety will stop. I don’t want to but why does it feel like I do? I’m so tired.

How do you cope??? I literally just want to cry forever and sleep. Like every single time I see a woman I will question something or see an image. Even on social media. My anxiety gets so bad that I can’t eat because then I’ll throw up.

It’s like I can’t handle the thoughts

@Fruitsbasket idek it’s so hard. Like Im convinced Im gay and Im so scared. Sometimes I get seconds of relief but that’s it. I get to anxious at the thoughts of kissing and doing stuff with girls but then Idk if I like it. It seems like I do. And then when I look back in the past it seems like Ive always been lesbian and didn’t know it. It genuinely feels like I was never into men to begin with. Like it seems like it was all comphet. Im so scared. I see videos of masc lesbians on tiktol and it seems like Im attracted and get butterflies. My attraction to men is zero rn and I can’t think ab having a bf without feeling disgusted. Im so lost I hope its hocd and not denial. Wby?

@strawberry ice cream I have a boyfriend but it’s so hard to go through ERP when I’m dating him. He’s in the air force and he’s coming back in October. I’m scared I’m going to ruin things with him because of this. It’s just so stupid. I’ve only been dealing with this for 2 months but it feels like I’m a different person. I usually can’t even look at a woman without a thought or question coming up. Groinal responses happen too. It literally feels like I’m in denial rn. And then I keep thinking if I go and be with a girl then I’ll feel better and all of this will go away because I’ll have what I “want”. And then I’ll have relief and then I’m like why am I having relief? Is it true? Idk I’m literally 22. You would think I would know my sexuality. I literally just want to avoid all social media and stay in my room and FaceTime my boyfriend when I can. Because when I do that I feel so much better and know I still love him. It’s torture doing ERP. At least for me rn beside of the questions and thoughts and images and responses. Idk. I do want to get better but why would I want to keep triggering myself when I just start feeling extremely far from my boyfriend. Like why would I want to do that?

@Fruitsbasket I relate to u. Ive never had a bf and Im so scared that what I fantasized in the past was me just liking the “idea” of a bf and not actually dating a dude. It seems like it’s impossible for me to like men at this point. Can u relate? do u still think its hocd?

@strawberry ice cream Right now with my boyfriend it hasn’t been feeling the same so yes. But my therapist told me that’s because of the anxiety and depression I’m experiencing. So I believe that’s what you’re experiencing too. And yes I do.

@strawberry ice cream I worry for myself that it isn’t actually HOCD and that I’m just in denial though

@Fruitsbasket I rlly hope that that’s what Im experiencing:( but it feels like all my past attraction to men were actually comphet and my past crushes were all fake. Bc like it seems that if my past crushes asked me out id be grossed out and that’s a comphet thing. Since they didn’t ask me out idk if id feel that way but it seems like I would. It’s all so confusing. It seems like Im attracted to girls but the thought isn’t pleasant. But my mind goes: It just isn’t pleasant bc u don’t want to accept it is pleasant.

@strawberry ice cream Yeah same. Or like the thought will be “it is pleasant but you just don’t want it to be so that’s why you think it isn’t”. Like it just feels like a bunch of denial. I hate it. Like I feel like there’s something wrong with me. And I feel disgusted. And I get so scared that it’s going to be like this forever. Sometimes it even just feels like I want to give in and just accept im gay. It’s crazy how it seems like almost 22 years of my life means nothing and these thoughts, questions, and groinal responses these past 2 months mean everything.

@strawberry ice cream I’m sorry to bother you with another question! But do you ever think about watching lesbian porn because you want to check to see how you’ll feel? Because I do and I’m like “I’ll realize I’m not gay if I watch it and then all of this will stop” but then other times I’m scared because what if that will just cause more images in my head or what if I do actually like watching it.

@Fruitsbasket I’ve never watched it bc Im so scared I like it. I think id just spiral more

@strawberry ice cream Literally same. I actually never even watched porn before. Unless some movie scenes count