I worry about this with friends from my past too. Like I remember one time when I was about 12 I had a best friend who was always very distant and one time we posed for a photo and she hugged me for the photo and I was like happy she did that and surprised because she was usually standoffish. Now I worry that I was happy she hugged me because I ‘liked’ her. When you have clearheaded moments do you like realise it’s not true but then spiral again later?
Don’t worry, your feelings mean nothing. When I was little I had urges like this and was deathly afraid I was gay but it doesn’t mean you are. From what I read it seems like you just wanted close companions who will accept you and love you. You were probably jealous because 1. You’re a little kid and 2. Because you wanted friendship love! Your mind is the biggest liar ever, do not trust it. ❤️