I struggle a lot with the memories of my past friends. I remember having 2 female friends that I loved so much, I wanted to get their attention. I remember getting jealous with them when they had other significant friends. I remember wanted to be important for them and hug them. When this thoughts started, I just started to notice all this things that I “felt” or “made” for them, and I started to feel that those friendships were “different” to others, and when I remember the past times with them, my mind keeps telling me and I feel like as if I wanted them and I really can’t just sit with uncertainty when I remember all the things I did or how I felt or how important those friends were for me. I’m scared that I was in love with them and this is not just “ocd”. What do you think?

I worry about this with friends from my past too. Like I remember one time when I was about 12 I had a best friend who was always very distant and one time we posed for a photo and she hugged me for the photo and I was like happy she did that and surprised because she was usually standoffish. Now I worry that I was happy she hugged me because I ‘liked’ her. When you have clearheaded moments do you like realise it’s not true but then spiral again later?

Don’t worry, your feelings mean nothing. When I was little I had urges like this and was deathly afraid I was gay but it doesn’t mean you are. From what I read it seems like you just wanted close companions who will accept you and love you. You were probably jealous because 1. You’re a little kid and 2. Because you wanted friendship love! Your mind is the biggest liar ever, do not trust it. ❤️