Hello everyone my name is Ash and I’ve been struggling with contamination OCD since I was a kid but it didn’t get as bad as now until I was about 16. I used to take hour long showers, use bottles and bottles of soap, and wash everything I thought was dirty/contaminated. When I was 16-19 (I’m 21 now) I was functioning, like going to school & work and I could function outside in the world, however I would come home and that’s when the rituals and routine washing would start. The environment I lived in during those years was not the best in terms of cleanliness and supportiveness. I would be belittled and judged basically everyday about my OCD by my mother and when she would get mad at me because I was doing a compulsion or something she would call it “bullsh*t” among other things. Within the past couple months my sister got a house and she let me come and live with her. The environment is amazing, and she’s very supportive. However I’ve still been messing up and still dealing with doing OCD behaviors and compulsions. I take less time in the shower but soap is still an issue I’m working on. Since the pandemic started everything has become worse. My fears of germs and contamination before were just really in my head, but now they are kinda confirmed because of this virus and that makes me really anxious. It’s more of the confirmation things are dirty contaminated then touching something and then worrying if I’ll get sick if that makes sense. Since the pandemic I haven’t really left the house that much but I’m starting to make an effort to go out and see friends with masks and stuff just to try to expose myself but I have to come home and make sure I don’t use too much soap or take too long in the shower. She’s said I will have to leave the house if I don’t get better and she’s 100% serious. I am starting to speak with a therapist who specializes in OCD and i want to get to a better place. I don’t wanna be like this anymore. Recently, it’s felt like so so overwhelming, more then normal and I can’t talk to her about it because I fear that if I do she will just get mad and kick me out. She’s said I can talk to her when I’m anxious but I don’t feel like I can. She’s the one person I’m the closest too but she’s said some pretty hurtful stuff as well and I just don’t feel like I can talk to her at all. She’s said i have destroyed our relationship, which I get because I’ve been living in this prison but still, it hurts to hear that. I’m just so afraid of her kicking me out, cutting me out from her life and never speaking to me again because she will do that. I want to get better, more then anything. It’s just very hard when you wanna talk about something to get it out there but feel like you can’t because then you’ll be kicked out with nowhere to go and will lose my sister which is not what I want to happen at all.

I completely understand that. Its so hard when people are telling you what you’re doing is bullshit like it doesn’t matter because ocd is a literally hell. Living in it everyday, having to do things to reduce the anxiousness is so draining. Because we both fear being kicked out now that’s another thing that adds to the anxiousness. I’ve been told that I’m selfish and I only care about myself because I’m still struggling. I just find it messed up when the people that are meant to help you say such horrible stuff to you. I want you to know though that what you are going through isn’t bullshit and I do support you even thought you don’t know me. This mental illness makes you feel extremely alone even when you’re supposed to have people there to support you but they don’t and are fed up with you. I understand and I’m supportive of you and I know what you’re going through.

@ashh22 Thank you, that means a lot. It honestly makes me question if they are my family. They never really cared about my mental health, I mean my father's side because my mother's side is out of the question. It seems the majority of the rest of my family really only care about my achievements and stuff. They feel that I am gifted because I can be talented in drawing and school but it took me hard work and practice. If it is other things that I like it is like, "You should learn to do ___ better", "Mmm, no", etc. If they feel as if I am "too special" and "too lucky" to struggle w something ig. My dad is probably the one who cares the most but he doesn't seem to care how I am mentally struggling though.

@ashh22 This is a really draining disorder and I just feel out of it and numb all the time. I wish you luck in getting better ^^

@🌺Dem🌺 Of course honestly just to know someone knows what you’re going through and is there for you helps. Yeah I’ve feel the same way because if they are your family and they care about you they wouldn’t be unsupportive and make these comments. So do you like think nothing is ever enough for them? Like is that what you feel when they say those things to you? There’s a difference between a comment like “oh if you really like this you should continue learning it or keep working at it” and a comment saying “you should do this” and feeling like nothing is ever enough for them if that makes sense. I’m really sorry no one in your family sees how much you are struggling, I honestly am. Yes yes it is very very draining. I feel the same way, out of it and numb I get that. And thank you so much I wish the best for you as well in getting better. If you need to talk or anything I am always here.

@ashh22 Oh, thank you. Yeah they just sound heavily unsupportive of my struggle. It does kind of hurt. Knowing somebody wants to help makes me feel a bit better about it though.

@ashh22 They just keep saying I am making excuses and that, "oh, you need to learn how to do ___ better" as if they'd be able to do ___ any better

@🌺Dem🌺 Yeah that makes it 10x harder I’m so sorry they don’t see it or support you. Of course it hurts, they are your family they are the ones who are supposed to support you and care about you and it really hurts and sucks when that’s not the case. I hope it does because honestly I do really care, I might not know you personally but we are dealing with the same thing and it’s hard when you feel alone. I always hear that too that I’m making excuses and exactly they say these comments but have no clue what it actually is like to deal with this. There is this artist named NF I’m not sure if you’ve heard of him before, he’s a rapper and he deals with OCD as well and his songs are amazing and have helped me feel less like I’m alone. If you like that type of music you should check him out.

@ashh22 Yeah, they just don't feel like family anymore, honestly... I have heard of NF, his music is pretty good and pretty darn relatable. Anyway, thank you ^^