I’m finding it extremely hard not to ruminate today on my current obsession

Getting myself into a spiral trying to figure out if I actually am in love with my boyfriend. Have I just been pretending? How do I know I ACTUALLY love him and not just the idea of him or his love and affection? It just feels like this pressing and intense question lately. I know I can’t solve it by ruminating bc I have been in the same themes for almost 2 years and have never gotten closer to “figuring them out”. Just so hard to stop trying to figure out if I actually love him or not today.

Sometimes I think I truly think negative thoughts about my bf but I feel it could be because of how obsessive I am over the thought. Does that make any sense ??? Like I genuinely think it often but only because of how obsessed I am over it

I have really started to take control of my compulsions and im starting to string together better days! Still not great days or even good, but they are better!!! I have controlled my outward compulsions (googling, research, reassurance, checking) the past couple of days and felt the positive impact of that. But unfortunately, I am realizing that the rumination is still constant. My sexuality and relationship are the only two things constantly on my brain, and if they aren’t I freak out and wonder why im not thinking about them! Anyone have any advice on how to deal with the rumination. Sometimes I don’t even notice im doing it, but it’s taking up 90% of my day. Once I start to tackle this I think I may make some real big progress! Hope everyone is fighting today! ❤️