It still feels like I won’t get a future with my partner bc I’m worried I’ll turn lesbian or the distance will be too hard. Plus there’s not much anxiety around the idea anymore, it just seems like the truth so that just makes me feel like complete poop. It’s so hard to be hopeful and I really do want a future with him but it feels like I won’t. It isn’t fair, I don’t want that taken from me. I don’t care about any of this stupid stuff anymore, I just want to see him in person again to make sure everything I felt for him wasn’t just in my head and that there’s still hope for us.

Hey everyone. I hope you all are doing okay. I’m currently struggling in the worse way I have through the course of my relationship. We are doing long distance right now, and I am unfortunately in the worse place I have been in. The uncertainty is absolutely unbearable. He is doing a cool new, consuming job 7 hours a way. He loves it, but I fear him loving the job so much that he stops caring about me. I have definitely noticed a shift in the amount of time he texts me and the energy he can give to the relationship. The job actually started off with 2 weeks of no phone. He has it again now though. We saw each other a couple of days ago in person for the last time we would in about two months. I was okayish when we were in person though I knew I would spiral later. And spiral I did. He left and I broke down. I am worried I will lose him. I start a really intensive EMT program in a week. It will be all-consuming for me. I can’t sleep very much and I don’t feel like eating. I know it’s pathetic. I am constantly consumed by these fears. I think I know what I need to do to combat them. Accept uncertainty but it feels like the possibly of it ending feels more real than ever. And I literally can NOT stop thinking about it. My brain feels in danger!!! I just worry that bad stuff is actually happening. I think we are going through a rough patch, but I also just feel more alone than ever. Drowning in my mind. What do I believe? I have a past of ocd, so it wouldn’t be surprised if it’s getting intertwined. Most people would say: it’s okay to ask him for reassurance about the relationship!!! But I feel like that’s the trap for me. I don’t know how to move forward. I know things are tough for us right now. But I’ve been floating back and forth on a spectrum of well maybe I just have trust to maybe this literally won’t work out!!! Texting and communicating over text is really hard for me. I am constantly analyzing it: how much energy is he giving? How much energy am I giving? Well I don’t want to do all the emotional labor, and be the main texter. But I also don’t care about texting that much and get exhausted with this back and forth.

I really need help. My brain is torturing me right now. Basically me and my boyfriend went through a really rough patch and he wasn’t communicating what was wrong and I started to just lose feelings and not feel how I used to which was the most upsetting thing because I swear we are soulmates. Anyway so we broke up for like a day before he realized he’s really sad without me and he is finally willing to work on communication and our issues and this is the most I’ve really ever felt he notices it this time. I am supposed to go see him and he is so excited and I’m freaking out. I want to see him but I keep thinking how it’s triggering for me cause I don’t want to go back to that rough patch cause it lasted a long time. I want to try again but I also feel like it’s easier to just run away from everything. It feels like I got to know his personality but that isn’t fair to say because now he’s aware and wants to change. I’m scared because I know feelings can come back and I hope mine can cause right now I just keep replaying the past and the bad stuff. He seems really willing to work on it this time which should make me so happy but I’m also so scared things will go back to how they were and I’m worried if I’m this anxious my body is telling me he isn’t right for me and that it’s not ocd which would really upset me because I’ve had such hope. I know my feelings started to go away but that’s cause of how we were to each other and now we are aware of the problem. Does it mean I shouldn’t be with him if the thought of trying again makes me so anxious or is that just the fear? I wish this wanting to work through things happened before I felt like this and now I’m scared I won’t get it back. I’m also scared that there is someone out there better for me and by being with him I’m blocking that. But the thought of being without him makes me so sad. I want to try to see him differently and maybe see it’s different but I’m scared it’s not. I’m afraid of a million things. What if it’s too late and I can’t get my feelings back? What if I’m forever anxious around him? What if being with him prevents me from meeting other people? I haven’t seen him in a while cause he was away and people say I won’t know how I feel till I see him. It feels like once I get there I already know though that I’ll have the same thoughts and won’t be able to get back to how I felt because it became uncomfortable but I’ve heard I’m anticipating it. I’m scared it’s gut and not ocd

I don’t know if I love him. I don’t think I do. I want to. I want to so fucking bad. I loved him. Before this I loved him so deeply we were such a good match but lately. Maybe just the past month were either fighting or not talking. Ik all couples go through rough patches. But this feels more. I wanan work through this. Ik all the problems are my fault. The jealousy, the resentment, the anger. It’s all on me. I’m the problem. But idk how to fix it. Idk how to stop being mad when he talks abt spending time with his friends. Idk how to stop being sad when he leaves to hang out with them. Idk how to not cry myself to sleep when he wants alone time. I wanna be with him. I want this relationship. But the good is so few and far between. The laughter and smiles is so fleeting. So much of my time is spent wondering if he hates me or if I hate him. I don’t wanna hate him. I wanna build a life with him. I see a future with him. But idk if I’ll ever truly be happy with him cuz of my jealousy and the fear I don’t love him. I try. I try so hard. Ik love is a choice not just a feeling but it’s so hard to make that choice when my brain tells me he wouldn’t make that choice. When I feel like he hates me and I’m boring him. When I’m insecure I feel so mad and angry that I can’t love him. I can’t feel any good feelings I’m just mad. And I hate it. I want us to be happy but I just know he likes being around them more. I just know I’m a chore to him. And I hate it. I love him. I love his beautiful face and his laugh. I love when we’re happy and good. And ik relationships require sticking it out through the bad. But I feel so guilty and so mad at the same time. I think abt are future and this pit is in my stomach and idk if it’s cuz im rlly anxious rn cuz i feel like he doesn’t love me or cuz i really don’t wanna be with him. I wanna be with him. I want him so fucking much. And I care abt him. But the constant questioning of my feelings and his feelings is driving me crazy. Idk what’s real and what’s fake. This relationship feels doomed and if it is idk if I’m gunna be able to handle the breakup. I love him. I care abt him. I want us to be together forever. I wanna grow old with him. But idk how to stop the bad feelings. How to stop the anxiety and anger. I just wanna love him and he love me. I pray for it every night and I try to be a good person but I’m so jealous and scared I keep ruing it. Idk what I want from this. Reassurance ig. Like can our relationship survive what’s happening? Is there a way to get better? To stop being jealous of him doing things without me. I don’t wanna become a bitter hateful gf. I just want us to be together and happy. Ik love is a choice not just a feeling. Ik you have to choose your partner every day even when you don’t want to and it sucks. But I’m so tired of feeling this. I can’t live like this for the rest of my life. I wanna be happy in this relationship. Ik deep down he’s the one for me. Ik I’m where I’m supposed to be when I’m with him. But idk if I truelly love him or if I’m just scared of losing all that we’ve built. Idk. Has anyone been where I’m at and if so how did you get through it? How do you get through the constant worrying abt both yours and your partners feelings?