was doing so good for weeks, i felt i had control over my emotions & i wouldn’t let the thoughts bother me. suddenly tonight they’re attacking me so much & grossing me out & i keeping getting waves of anxiety & uncomfortableness run through my body & i wanna cry & scream & just have a normal brain. this is torture, pure torture. i cant express how frustrated i am that these intrusive thoughts even cross my mind because they’re so far from who i am & they just don’t stop. i feel like my skin is crawling & i am just overheated & grossed out. i am crying & at the same time i feel numb because i don’t know what else to do. :( i thought i had such a good grip on it, i was positive & now i am just suffering again like old times. i would never think these kinds of things, i would never want to, i would never be what my ocd tells me. i just want my life back.

This isn't forever, and I'm trying to stay positive, but I'm so uncomfortable in my own body. I can't stop hyperfocusing on every little sensation I experience, especially when I have intrusive thoughts. I can't stop holding my my breath or tensing up when I experience them. I know it's a compulsion, but I genuinely feel so unsettled. The physical sensations of anxiety aren't really there. Like, I'm not nauseous, but I just feel... off. I hate my mind, I hate these thoughts. Like, I wish OCD didn't attack every single thing in my life. I'm feeling really gross right now. I haven't been able to cry in so, so long. It's probably due to my meds, but I miss having that emotional release... Just a mini vent. I've been really struggling against the urges to confess/seek reassurance. One more week until my next psychiatrist appointment, but I'm just really frustrated with my brain right now.

I was doing so much better with my OCD. I thought I finally figured it out. However, the last two weeks have been a nightmare. It’s like I went from 0-100 all over again. And it’s become scarier than it ever has been. Every other thought is either causing me anxiety or turning into an intrusive thought. Any headache or feeling of derealization, and I start to spiral. My thoughts are becoming more gruesome and feeling more real. The intrusive urges are so bad it feels like at any moment I could actually just snap. It feels like I am about to go crazy. Another hard aspect is when I’m getting these intrusive urges it feels like I want to do it or I don’t care if I do it. I don’t feel like myself. I feel like this disgusting monster who is just going to lose it and I want it to be over. Why is this happening when I was finally better? It makes me feel like it’s not OCD and I’m actually this person and I’m just holding my true self back. I’m sick to my stomach.

So my OCD has been bad lately. I’ve been ruminating and obsessing over my sexuality again. And it just keeps getting worse. I hate it so much. I try to sit with the discomfort but then my ocd does the backdoor spike. And the groinal response is what keeps me looped. It SUCKS. I am not attracted to men, but my OCD is trying SO hard to convince me that I am. There have been days where I’m just so mentally exhausted that I “accept” what my ocd tells me and I just walk around a hollow, lethargic shell. But then I rethink it and I feel better. It feels like I can only find my TRUE self when I tire my nervous system out enough that it literally breaks down and has me suicidal and hopeless. And then accepting my OCD’s “truth” (that I’m attracted to men) feels like a burden and a chore. I woke up today from an OCD dream, tried to go back to sleep, and my stomach kept cramping bc I was so anxious and ruminating over my intrusive thoughts. I’m starting to doubt it being OCD anymore. My brain is too tired to fight and cry about it anymore.