was doing so good for weeks, i felt i had control over my emotions & i wouldn’t let the thoughts bother me. suddenly tonight they’re attacking me so much & grossing me out & i keeping getting waves of anxiety & uncomfortableness run through my body & i wanna cry & scream & just have a normal brain. this is torture, pure torture. i cant express how frustrated i am that these intrusive thoughts even cross my mind because they’re so far from who i am & they just don’t stop. i feel like my skin is crawling & i am just overheated & grossed out. i am crying & at the same time i feel numb because i don’t know what else to do. :( i thought i had such a good grip on it, i was positive & now i am just suffering again like old times. i would never think these kinds of things, i would never want to, i would never be what my ocd tells me. i just want my life back.

i am on anxiety meds that make me have vivid dreams & it’s hard for me to drift off to sleep. i cant be alone with my ocd because it just eats away at my brain slowly in silence so i put on meditation music, but even then i cant sleep until i actually am drained. i am so miserable inside. i thought i was happy but genuinely nothing is worse than pocd. i have pvc’s & horrible anxiety & depression & have almost died from septic shock...but nothing comes close to the pain of your own brain turning against you & putting horrific images in your head. truly.

This is exactly how I felt last night. I finished the ocd program a while ago and was doing much better, then all of the sudden it started ravaging my thoughts again. I cried last night about it for the first time in a while. I keep thinking it makes no sense, that I could never enjoy these thoughts. I feel so hopeless and like I cant live this way. Times like this we need to be really really strong and do some ERP. Even if its gotta be done over and over again. Try not to let it trick you. And try to except doubt and uncertainty, because the doubt is what really keeps it going

i am so sorry you’re dealing with this too. for months i felt like i was slowly getting better & it only took one triggering thing that i read to make all that not matter. i know who i am & i am a good person, it’s just the constant doubt & guilt & anxiety that never leaves me alone that makes me feel like “what if this isn’t ocd??” & i hate myself even more. even though i would never even do anything that my intrusive thoughts put into my head, they’re my biggest fears. :(

I understand you, it's really hard trying to make it through the day knowing I'm NOT alright and no one around would really understand :( I'm not trying to provide reassurance, but I just want you to know that's what ocd does. You can be fairly certain you dont feel a certain way, but theres always that "what if"

Also remember, with the right treatment, certainty isnt what we aim for anyways

thank you. your kindness means a lot. i wish the best for u! hopefully one day we don’t have to suffer with this anymore. :)