(TW is for POCD and discussion of pedophilia) Tl;dr I did actual bad things as an older child and young teenager, idk whether I even have POCD or I'm just actually a pedophile I'm questioning if this is OCD or I'm actually a pedophile. And I know everyone with POCD thinks that but I think I'm actually the odd one out. My POCD interacts with real event, specifically stuff that I did when I was 11-14. I had a fetish at that point, or at least I think that's what it was bc idk what else to call it. It wasn't sexual to me or didn't seem that way at the time, but I think that must have been the enjoyment I was getting out of it bc there's no other explanation. And I would write stories related to this fetish about kids way younger than myself without seeing anything wrong with it, bc again I didn't see it as sexual. And look up images related to it as well (not CP). But it's a relatively common fetish, and it's pretty obvious that's what it was. I really don't see how I could write that off or pretend it's ok. I would do literally anything to change the past but of course I can't. Ever since realizing the stuff I wrote was bad I panicked and that started the anxiety and it's spiraled to the point where now I think I'm a full on p, and idk whether it's true. I don't want the intrusive thoughts, but sometimes I worry I do, and now I get groinal responses to everything, not just thoughts but real people as well. The groinal responses only started after I read a reddit post that said that's the way to determine if you're really a p. I try to avoid children, I avoid everyone because I don't feel deserving of human interaction. I have absolutely no desire to do anything to a child but I'm scared I must be repressing it bc why else did I do the things I did when I was younger? I can't move on from this it seems. Idk if I deserve to. I'm not trying to ask for reassurance I just can't do this anymore, I can't do ERP if I'm convinced I'm actually a p, because why would I want to stop being worried about something that's actually worrying? Please don't be scared to tell me if you think I'm a pedophile I want to know. I want to know what you do if you can't trust yourself enough to try to heal?