I feel so gross about anything feminine right now. I just want to be a lesbian but I no longer feel attracted to women and the idea of being a woman or wearing anything girly makes me feel sick. I'm convinced I'm trans and just scared. I hate this. I want to be me again.

My HOCD was pretty well under control today, I went out with my girl friends and was not worried about being attracted to them the majority of the time, and I was attracted to some cute guys hehe. I feel you on the TOCD though. In my opinion, TOCD is probably one of the worst subtypes you can have-- it kicks in from time to time, I know how hard that can be. Like I know that I want to be feminine and girly, I love makeup, nails, dressing up--but the TOCD tells me I "look or feel too manly" sometimes. Its rough, but I remind myself that its just an intrusive feeling, mainly based on insecurities and BDD. This feeling will pass, you are very strong!:)

@Ope Oh for sure SOOCD has been the hardest for me over the years, mainly because I didnt even know there was such a thing. I just thought had a stabbing "you might be lesbian" voice in the back of my head while only wanting to date men. Really confusing 🤣. But yeah TOCD causes you to rethink your entire gender. My heart goes out to people who are actually trans, they must go through a lot. Thank you for your kind words Ope!:)

@alexisrae1999 I'm so scared I'm actually trans. I've never been girly. I'm now in this spot where everything is either too feminine and I hate it or too masculine and I feel like I'm not a girl. It's awful

@Kaylaaaa I tried mentioning the TOCD to my therapist and she started mentioning the whole non binary thing to me, that made me ruminate for hours 😂. But what I think she was trying to say was that society's standards of "what a girl is supposed to be, do, or act like" is more like what's "expected." If you don't typically follow the norm, that does not mean that you have to identify as something you don't identify with. You don't HAVE to do anything your OCD tells you to do. The best thing for TOCD I'd say is to lean into what makes your OCD uncomfortable as an exposure.

@alexisrae1999 It just scares me so much. No one ever mentions feelings of dysphoria as transOCD and since developing this I've had moments that have felt like dysphoria and I don't know what to do. Moments where I'm so uncomfortable in myself and my body

@Ope Yeah. Ugh. I'm so scared it's just denial. I hate this

@Kaylaaaa I get feelings of dysphoria, but I think it's because of my BDD and lingering anoxeria. And bad self esteem of course. I think if you can identify the core issue as to why your TOCD is bothering you so much, you can work on that issue and hopefully the TOCD will then be easier to manage? Ope is very right when it comes to the "realization" moment too, I've had a few aha moments with SOOCD that I did not identify with, and then I was feeling relaxed and completely different within a few hours or the next day.

@alexisrae1999 Yeah dysphoria makes me think i have to be trans and I'm actually just too scared to accept it And after I typed that earlier today, I typed that I'm trans for sure, definitely, instead of horror I felt relief and all my anxiety washed away and I don't know what to do. My life would be over, my family would reject me. But I felt peace. That feels like proof.

@Kaylaaaa And like, I tell myself that maybe it's just the certainty of something that made the anxiety go away rather than it actually being correct. But then I get anxious again, because that feels like denial, like what any scared trans person would tell themself. I'm so convinced my therapist is going to tell me I'm trans.

@Kaylaaaa Your anxiety and everything mightve went away because you "agreed" with the thought instead of resisting it and saying something like "nonono i cant be a boy i am a girl i love being a girl.“ That's actually ERP! Your OCD is probably screaming at you right now because you're not feeling the anxiety, get ready for a back door spike

@alexisrae1999 Or as Ope said that could definitely be a compulsion, just depends on how you're reacting to it and what your motives are lol

@Ope Why are you apologizing? Girl, you've literally helped me so much tonight it's unreal. I owe you big time.

@alexisrae1999 Intriguing. This also calmed me down? My brain hurts lol. Jt was the thing about discomfort with gender that got me. Since this started, I've felt that big time. And I project it obto all women. Idk if a trans person would do that but basically I've gone from being a raging feminist to hugely sexist

@Kaylaaaa I can relate to the projecting but with SOOCD. When I was dating my ex, my SOOCD was really really bad (and ROCD of course). It was so bad that once his step dad joked that he used to think that my ex was gay, my SOOCD went "huuuuuhhh" and then I started to analyze everything he did that could be perceived as gay. Really confusing 😂

@alexisrae1999 Yeah, it's so foolish because other people have no effect on me. But I'll see other women and think "how can they live with themselves" if they're feminine or "how can she like being referred to as female" if she's masc. It's so annoying. It makes me feel like I wouldn't want to be referred to as female. It stinks because my queer woman community is now a trigger for me and I no longer feel found or like I belong.

@Ope The fact that you and your husband have stayed strong during this process shows me that you've got a pretty unbreakable bond. You'll both get through this!

@Kaylaaaa That sounds really rough, im sorry that you're dealing with this subtype this intensely. Well we are all here in the OCD community and unfortunately and fortunately you belong here :). Everyone here makes me feel more found because before I knew ocd was more than hand washing I just thought I was severely troubled and crazy 😂. I hope you can continue to lean on us here while battling tocd!

@alexisrae1999 You too! I can't help but compare myself to the description and feel like I don't have it. It stinks. I'm here for you if you ever need anyone!

I get feelings of dysphoria too. That makes me feel like i have to be trans and just scared.

@kaylaaaa I feel the exact same as you do and I also project my feelings and thoughts on other women :(