- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 4y
My HOCD was pretty well under control today, I went out with my girl friends and was not worried about being attracted to them the majority of the time, and I was attracted to some cute guys hehe. I feel you on the TOCD though. In my opinion, TOCD is probably one of the worst subtypes you can have-- it kicks in from time to time, I know how hard that can be. Like I know that I want to be feminine and girly, I love makeup, nails, dressing up--but the TOCD tells me I "look or feel too manly" sometimes. Its rough, but I remind myself that its just an intrusive feeling, mainly based on insecurities and BDD. This feeling will pass, you are very strong!:)
@Ope Oh for sure SOOCD has been the hardest for me over the years, mainly because I didnt even know there was such a thing. I just thought had a stabbing "you might be lesbian" voice in the back of my head while only wanting to date men. Really confusing š¤£. But yeah TOCD causes you to rethink your entire gender. My heart goes out to people who are actually trans, they must go through a lot. Thank you for your kind words Ope!:)
@alexisrae1999 I'm so scared I'm actually trans. I've never been girly. I'm now in this spot where everything is either too feminine and I hate it or too masculine and I feel like I'm not a girl. It's awful
@Kaylaaaa I tried mentioning the TOCD to my therapist and she started mentioning the whole non binary thing to me, that made me ruminate for hours š. But what I think she was trying to say was that society's standards of "what a girl is supposed to be, do, or act like" is more like what's "expected." If you don't typically follow the norm, that does not mean that you have to identify as something you don't identify with. You don't HAVE to do anything your OCD tells you to do. The best thing for TOCD I'd say is to lean into what makes your OCD uncomfortable as an exposure.
@alexisrae1999 It just scares me so much. No one ever mentions feelings of dysphoria as transOCD and since developing this I've had moments that have felt like dysphoria and I don't know what to do. Moments where I'm so uncomfortable in myself and my body
@Ope Yeah. Ugh. I'm so scared it's just denial. I hate this
@Kaylaaaa I get feelings of dysphoria, but I think it's because of my BDD and lingering anoxeria. And bad self esteem of course. I think if you can identify the core issue as to why your TOCD is bothering you so much, you can work on that issue and hopefully the TOCD will then be easier to manage? Ope is very right when it comes to the "realization" moment too, I've had a few aha moments with SOOCD that I did not identify with, and then I was feeling relaxed and completely different within a few hours or the next day.
@alexisrae1999 Yeah dysphoria makes me think i have to be trans and I'm actually just too scared to accept it And after I typed that earlier today, I typed that I'm trans for sure, definitely, instead of horror I felt relief and all my anxiety washed away and I don't know what to do. My life would be over, my family would reject me. But I felt peace. That feels like proof.
@Kaylaaaa And like, I tell myself that maybe it's just the certainty of something that made the anxiety go away rather than it actually being correct. But then I get anxious again, because that feels like denial, like what any scared trans person would tell themself. I'm so convinced my therapist is going to tell me I'm trans.
@Kaylaaaa Your anxiety and everything mightve went away because you "agreed" with the thought instead of resisting it and saying something like "nonono i cant be a boy i am a girl i love being a girl.ā That's actually ERP! Your OCD is probably screaming at you right now because you're not feeling the anxiety, get ready for a back door spike
@alexisrae1999 Or as Ope said that could definitely be a compulsion, just depends on how you're reacting to it and what your motives are lol
@Ope Why are you apologizing? Girl, you've literally helped me so much tonight it's unreal. I owe you big time.
@alexisrae1999 Intriguing. This also calmed me down? My brain hurts lol. Jt was the thing about discomfort with gender that got me. Since this started, I've felt that big time. And I project it obto all women. Idk if a trans person would do that but basically I've gone from being a raging feminist to hugely sexist
@Kaylaaaa I can relate to the projecting but with SOOCD. When I was dating my ex, my SOOCD was really really bad (and ROCD of course). It was so bad that once his step dad joked that he used to think that my ex was gay, my SOOCD went "huuuuuhhh" and then I started to analyze everything he did that could be perceived as gay. Really confusing š
@alexisrae1999 Yeah, it's so foolish because other people have no effect on me. But I'll see other women and think "how can they live with themselves" if they're feminine or "how can she like being referred to as female" if she's masc. It's so annoying. It makes me feel like I wouldn't want to be referred to as female. It stinks because my queer woman community is now a trigger for me and I no longer feel found or like I belong.
@Ope The fact that you and your husband have stayed strong during this process shows me that you've got a pretty unbreakable bond. You'll both get through this!
@Kaylaaaa That sounds really rough, im sorry that you're dealing with this subtype this intensely. Well we are all here in the OCD community and unfortunately and fortunately you belong here :). Everyone here makes me feel more found because before I knew ocd was more than hand washing I just thought I was severely troubled and crazy š. I hope you can continue to lean on us here while battling tocd!
@alexisrae1999 You too! I can't help but compare myself to the description and feel like I don't have it. It stinks. I'm here for you if you ever need anyone!
@alexisrae1999 AHHH i had that!! When i was younger i thought i was a lesbian bc my mind would just randomly tell me i was.
@alexisrae1999 Yeah no i hate ever looking like a guy, and it doesnāt help that i am also a girl with lots of bodyhair.
I get feelings of dysphoria too. That makes me feel like i have to be trans and just scared.
@kaylaaaa I feel the exact same as you do and I also project my feelings and thoughts on other women :(
Same!
I have been doing okay for the past week or so and was really happy i felt that i was getting back on track, but today i went on tiktok and i saw something triggering which was āi thought i was a lesbian for 4 years until i met my now boyfriendā and it triggered me very badly, i have been crying all day and i canāt seem to make myself feel okay. i feel like im lying to myself that im not lesbian and i truly want men, but when i get any thought about men it feels disgusting and wrong and not me, i donāt want men i feel so sick i want to get out of this. i always felt so happy as a lesbian im so stuck i donāt want to be with a man. i have a loving girlfriend i just want to be happy with her.
I feel different from others, I donāt feel as feminine and I feel like Iāve changed. Iām not sure why I feel this way. I also donāt think my ocd is ocd, itās just something I told myself to feel better. I know! What if I am what if Iām not, I get it, but I donāt feel like i have a choice in the matter anymore. I have soocd and itās eaten me alive for years. I woke up out of my sleep and got triggered and here I am. I donāt know what I feel anymore. I always wanted a boyfriend and now It seemed to change. I donāt want a girlfriend, itās just that I donāt see anything for myself and I feel like Iām hiding. Itās hard to explain. Plus sometimes the way I move or speak makes me feel more masculine and it kills me. Im feeling so lost and alone right now. I know what I want deep down but I feel incapable of having those things because I wonāt be able to have feeling. If that makes sense.
Hi all itās been a bit since Iāve posted. Iāve been doing ok ish Today has been weird, idk if itās cuz I upped my vyvanse to 20mg and itās making me anxious or if everything is just colliding rn It feels like idk myself anymore. Iāve been flipping between ROCD, soocd and tocd the last couple of days/weeks. Rn I just feel horrible and idk why but Iāve been on my period for 11 days now. My period usually lasts 7. When Iām not on birth control. Iāve been on birth control since October of last year and hadnāt had a period till coming home end of April/early may and now itās back again. Iāve been ranting to chat gpt (Ik itās bad, I just didnāt know who to turn to) Rn Iām just really in my head about my gender and Iām anxious and crying and I just donāt feel good. Context for tonightās thought I was doing my skincare, Iāve been trying to develop a routine cuz Iām bothered by the texture on my face and how it makes my makeup look. Iāve always felt less pretty than other girls tbh. Anywyas. As I was doing my skincare I had this thought just happen across my mind of āwhat if I dislike my skin and face so much cuz Iām trans? What if the reason Iāve been depressed lately is cuz Iām slowly becoming dysphoric and hating myself?ā When in fact I think the issue is: I havenāt seen my bf in a month and a bjt. Iāve been bleeding for 11 days. Iām in summer classes and stressed about the comjng semester and how much work I have to do to catch up cuz Iām in pre med and Iāve been fucking slacking lately and I truly hate myself for it. I miss being hugged by my bf. Iāll admit I need a good dicking down tbh. My brother is a whole other story while Iām home. I just feel. Gross and bad. And Iām worried Iām trans. Iām worried Iām a lesbian or smthn. Iām worried I donāt love my bf deeply enough and itās all just circling in my head a lot and I just feel like curling into a ball. Iāve always been a tomboy, I mostly hung out with boys cuz the girls never liked me. I was weird. I loved dragons. I had imaginary friends. At one point as a kid I tried a different name, I think it just didnāt fit and I grew out of that and just went back to my normal name. But now Iām worried I just repressed that. But I see a lot of girls who also went through the same thing and are also just women. But Iām so scared that Iām ānot letting the TV glowā like that trend (that shit made me so anxious. I have trans friends and I love them but im scared of it for myself) I feel still sorta tomboyish but dress feminine, once in a blue moon ill dress semi masculine and now Iām worried that means im either trans or a lesbian who wants to be masc. but Iām not. I donāt think I am Idk who I am anymore. Idk if itās just ocd or if im actually discovering smthn Im just anxious as hell tbh. So I donāt think thatās the case. Iām just sitting here. Looping in my head. My typical ādrown out the noiseā tv shows wonāt load properly cuz of our new wifi and itās really irritating me. What if Iāve been lying every time I try to do a āare you trans/genderfluid/non binary?ā quiz. What if Iāve been lying to my bf. My friends? My family? I keep thinking to myself, if I wasnāt with my bf would I dress the same? Yes I would. Iād still wear my cardigans. My sweaters. My dresses. Iād try out new styles like I want to rn with him. Iām just worried that teying smthn would make me realize smthn about myself but I donāt think it would. Idk. Iām just in all these irrational thoughts. Jumping to conclusions Any advice would be appreciated. I mostly just needed to vent about this.
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