- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 3y
My HOCD was pretty well under control today, I went out with my girl friends and was not worried about being attracted to them the majority of the time, and I was attracted to some cute guys hehe. I feel you on the TOCD though. In my opinion, TOCD is probably one of the worst subtypes you can have-- it kicks in from time to time, I know how hard that can be. Like I know that I want to be feminine and girly, I love makeup, nails, dressing up--but the TOCD tells me I "look or feel too manly" sometimes. Its rough, but I remind myself that its just an intrusive feeling, mainly based on insecurities and BDD. This feeling will pass, you are very strong!:)
@Ope Oh for sure SOOCD has been the hardest for me over the years, mainly because I didnt even know there was such a thing. I just thought had a stabbing "you might be lesbian" voice in the back of my head while only wanting to date men. Really confusing š¤£. But yeah TOCD causes you to rethink your entire gender. My heart goes out to people who are actually trans, they must go through a lot. Thank you for your kind words Ope!:)
@alexisrae1999 I'm so scared I'm actually trans. I've never been girly. I'm now in this spot where everything is either too feminine and I hate it or too masculine and I feel like I'm not a girl. It's awful
@Kaylaaaa I tried mentioning the TOCD to my therapist and she started mentioning the whole non binary thing to me, that made me ruminate for hours š. But what I think she was trying to say was that society's standards of "what a girl is supposed to be, do, or act like" is more like what's "expected." If you don't typically follow the norm, that does not mean that you have to identify as something you don't identify with. You don't HAVE to do anything your OCD tells you to do. The best thing for TOCD I'd say is to lean into what makes your OCD uncomfortable as an exposure.
@alexisrae1999 It just scares me so much. No one ever mentions feelings of dysphoria as transOCD and since developing this I've had moments that have felt like dysphoria and I don't know what to do. Moments where I'm so uncomfortable in myself and my body
@Ope Yeah. Ugh. I'm so scared it's just denial. I hate this
@Kaylaaaa I get feelings of dysphoria, but I think it's because of my BDD and lingering anoxeria. And bad self esteem of course. I think if you can identify the core issue as to why your TOCD is bothering you so much, you can work on that issue and hopefully the TOCD will then be easier to manage? Ope is very right when it comes to the "realization" moment too, I've had a few aha moments with SOOCD that I did not identify with, and then I was feeling relaxed and completely different within a few hours or the next day.
@alexisrae1999 Yeah dysphoria makes me think i have to be trans and I'm actually just too scared to accept it And after I typed that earlier today, I typed that I'm trans for sure, definitely, instead of horror I felt relief and all my anxiety washed away and I don't know what to do. My life would be over, my family would reject me. But I felt peace. That feels like proof.
@Kaylaaaa And like, I tell myself that maybe it's just the certainty of something that made the anxiety go away rather than it actually being correct. But then I get anxious again, because that feels like denial, like what any scared trans person would tell themself. I'm so convinced my therapist is going to tell me I'm trans.
@Kaylaaaa Your anxiety and everything mightve went away because you "agreed" with the thought instead of resisting it and saying something like "nonono i cant be a boy i am a girl i love being a girl.ā That's actually ERP! Your OCD is probably screaming at you right now because you're not feeling the anxiety, get ready for a back door spike
@alexisrae1999 Or as Ope said that could definitely be a compulsion, just depends on how you're reacting to it and what your motives are lol
@Ope Why are you apologizing? Girl, you've literally helped me so much tonight it's unreal. I owe you big time.
@alexisrae1999 Intriguing. This also calmed me down? My brain hurts lol. Jt was the thing about discomfort with gender that got me. Since this started, I've felt that big time. And I project it obto all women. Idk if a trans person would do that but basically I've gone from being a raging feminist to hugely sexist
@Kaylaaaa I can relate to the projecting but with SOOCD. When I was dating my ex, my SOOCD was really really bad (and ROCD of course). It was so bad that once his step dad joked that he used to think that my ex was gay, my SOOCD went "huuuuuhhh" and then I started to analyze everything he did that could be perceived as gay. Really confusing š
@alexisrae1999 Yeah, it's so foolish because other people have no effect on me. But I'll see other women and think "how can they live with themselves" if they're feminine or "how can she like being referred to as female" if she's masc. It's so annoying. It makes me feel like I wouldn't want to be referred to as female. It stinks because my queer woman community is now a trigger for me and I no longer feel found or like I belong.
@Ope The fact that you and your husband have stayed strong during this process shows me that you've got a pretty unbreakable bond. You'll both get through this!
@Kaylaaaa That sounds really rough, im sorry that you're dealing with this subtype this intensely. Well we are all here in the OCD community and unfortunately and fortunately you belong here :). Everyone here makes me feel more found because before I knew ocd was more than hand washing I just thought I was severely troubled and crazy š. I hope you can continue to lean on us here while battling tocd!
@alexisrae1999 You too! I can't help but compare myself to the description and feel like I don't have it. It stinks. I'm here for you if you ever need anyone!
@alexisrae1999 AHHH i had that!! When i was younger i thought i was a lesbian bc my mind would just randomly tell me i was.
@alexisrae1999 Yeah no i hate ever looking like a guy, and it doesnāt help that i am also a girl with lots of bodyhair.
I get feelings of dysphoria too. That makes me feel like i have to be trans and just scared.
@kaylaaaa I feel the exact same as you do and I also project my feelings and thoughts on other women :(
Same!
Idk what else to title this. I was watching a film cooper video cuz why not and he mentioned smthn about wall paper customization and icons and stuff and I just kinda had a groinal response followed by the memory of me having my first crush on a woman (my friend at the time) that helped me figure out that Iām bi and I felt kinda intensely for her but thatās cuz a) it was new and b) we were kinda on again off again friends who havenāt spoken in a few years now and Iām over her entirely. It was toxic I think. She was too much like the person who bullied me in elementary school (they were friends as well so my mom made me cut her off which is. Fair. Made me really sad but eh thatās life) I saw her at prom cuz someone brought her. It was nice to see her but yeah that was it. And now Iām mentally comparing what I felt for women in the past (idk intense crush, listening to a lot of gay songs (think she by dodie) dressing semi masc cuz funky, we had nicknames for each other despite not dating or anything) to men (less intense crush but still big crush, Iāve only dated and kissed men so sparks rhere) and now Iām just slightly nauseous and worried that I donāt like men as much as I like women but I think thatās normal for any bi person? To have different levels of attraction to different genders? Idk I feel gross and icky now like I shouldnāt even be thinking about it or her cuz I have a bf. And I do look fondly upon it, now Iām nervous cuz I got more excited about her calling me a specific nickname than I do from my bf calling me honey even at the beginning? Honey felt more traditional and I love it but we do switch around nicknames and itās always nice, not many butterflies anymore, and sometimes I get anxious when he does lately, if itās a nickname in Portuguese. Or if he called me a shortened version of my name. What does that mean? Iām nervous now. I was doing half decently today now Iām nauseous again. Iām worried that cuz I liked the nicknames she and I had that means I donāt like the ones my bf and I have and that I just donāt like him or men cuz Iāve been feeling off around him. But I love when he calls me honey, it still feels good when he does it now but no butterflies. Idk whatās wrong with me. Is it even ocd at this point. Even if I do like women slightly more it doesnāt erase that I love my bf. Iām worried Iām leaning too much towards women tho and Iām a lesbian. Idk if my bi cycle is cycling or if Iām just a lesbian entirely cuz I donāt feel much when my bf takes off his shirt, sex feels different, and things feel stale and slow. But maybe thatās cuz Iām checking and comparing. Now Iām anxious fuck. Iām trying not to think about her idk why. Iām worried I still find her attractive or am attracted to her or smthn. Sheās in my city. I didnāt care before but now I do. Or if I think about her Iāll think about other women and will only want to have sec with women which not really tbh. I wanna be able to enjoy sec with my bf. It just hasnāt felt right lately cuz Iāve been so depressed and obsessive. I wasnāt obsessing much last night when we had sex but it still didnāt feel passionate. It didnāt feel uncomfortable but I thought itād be more? Idk. I know itās normal to not feel him inside me cuz the vagina isnāt very nerved up compared to the clitoris but it felt like more the motions. But tbh. I needed it. Idk I wanted to have sex and it was a nice stress relief. I just didnāt feel butterflies which kinda bummed me out but weāve been having sex since august so thatās normal. Idk. I havenāt been able to fantasize about sex. The fact that Iām bi makes all of this so confusing. Cuz yes hypothetically I can enjoy the thought of sex with a woman. But I donāt want to rn cuz Iām dating a man. And I canāt fantasize about sex with him cuz Iām getting intrusive thoughts about my friends and I having sex. I have this urge to watch porn cuz itās been a while but Iām not going to. Iāve cut down a lot on masturbation. Partially cuz this partially cuz I wanna do things with my bf (when Iām mentally ok) but jow my brain is saying āOo you think all these women are so hot youāre gonna go feral blah blah blahā and yes women are hot but I donāt wanna have sex with a woman. Idk saying women are hot doesnāt bring me anxiety but the thought of sex with one or leaving my bf and saying Iām a lesbian bother me. Cuz I know itās not true. I love him I know that. Iād be happy if we stayed together. I wouldnāt regret a thing honestly. I like having sex with him. Idc if itās not like porn or the movies. As long as Iām being pleasured and heās being pleasured weāre good. Thatās what sex is about. I think the loss of butterflies is normal cuz the excitement of like (sorry tmi) fingering and oral eventually wears off right? But still feels good. I donāt feel as excited about intimacy anymore cuz we have done it so often but it still feels nice. But my brain perceives that as me not liking sex with men and therefore Iām gay. No I just donāt feel the need to jump his bones every single time I see him?? Idk the friend thing is bothering me. Idk if I feel any joy behind it. The groinal response really really throws my perception off
it feels like i want to be a boy. i really dont i keep having these what i hope to be false feelings and they suck. oddly enough they make me feel more like a girl again so its a weird win win situation. i want to be fine again i wanna be that girl again. it just feels like iāll never be and i just have to be a boy i hate it all
I just canāt do this shit anymore.im tired of these āarousalā sensations that feel real but when I go check my arousal to the same gender I just get anxiety. Iām tired of feeling like I canāt like girls anymore. Iām tired of my arousal getting blocked every now and then because Iām anxious. Iām tired of not knowing who I am anymore. Iām tired of having my mind putting me into an identity I never asked for. Iām tired of this life
Share your thoughts so the Community can respond