does always having to do everything with my right hand for it to be right is a kind of ocd??? i don't do this now anymore but i did as a kid because God leads my right hand and the devil does my left?? i think i had subclinical ocd as a kid and now it just exacerbated after the death of my uncle because i was sensitive?

I used to have religious OCD. Still kinda do. Accidentally thought something bad about God once, panicked thought something bad about the Holy Spirit. Fell into doom. This was recently after recomitting myself to Christ. Since then I pretty much gave up. Unfortunately, it also led to me compromising my morals many times because I figured I was going to hell anyway. I wish I knew what OCD was then. I think it would have saved me a lot of pain. I no longer have a relationship with God, and fear I never will again.

Does anyone ever feel like you know you have OCD, but at the same time you think it might actually be you connecting to a higher consciousness or vibration that is trying to control your decisions so that the outcome does not turn out bad kind of like the butterfly effect. It drives me crazy because I know I’m conscious that it’s OCD but at the same time I overthink and feel like it might be a higher power trying to warn me that I’m not doing something right, like example; if I flip the trash can lid a couple more times it’s going to pervert something bad from happening and that why I’m sensing I’m not doing it right, because if I spent a little more time there and if I would have left earlier the outcome would’ve been different. Or say I just fight through it and choose to ignore it, but then I’ll carry that negativity/worry of not feeling like I did it right and will project it out into existence because the thought won’t leave my head and in a way your seeking it out into existence since you keep thinking about it, kind of like an affirmation?

One of my primary themes is “just right” OCD, paired with magical thinking. I don’t actually believe something bad will happen, but I feel like I deliberately make up scary, catastrophic thoughts like “xyz person will die” just to pressure myself into doing the just-right compulsion and relieve the anxiety. It’s like I use magical thinking as a tool, even though I know it’s irrational. Does this still count as magical thinking? Can anyone else relate?