why is it that when i look at pictures of when i was in the middle of my Rocd i get the same anxiety over it, and i feel guilty that i felt that way about my relationship :(

I feel guilty writing this but I was wondering does anyone’s ROCD make them feel like they’re settling? I feel ill when my thoughts start running about that and I always seek reassurance to make sure I still love my partner. It’s so stressful especially when I acknowledge other people are good looking my brain jumps to the idea that I want to be with them which drives me insane sometimes. I even had to avoid a coworker at my old job because my OCD convinced me that I was in love with him even though we were both in active relationships and only at platonic discussions. I always had to review to make sure I said nothing wrong and I feel like I am doing the same with a friend currently. I’m not sure what to do…

I just saw my boyfriend, and even though everything was okay on the outside, inside my mind it was a storm. I kept having thoughts like: “You don’t like him.” “You’re not feeling anything.” “You’re pretending.” “You don’t care.” And then, he said something sweet — something that should’ve made me feel happy: “We should marry.” And instead of warmth, I felt anxiety. A pit in my stomach. A voice in my head saying: “You don’t want that.” “You’ll never stay with him.” “If you really loved him, you’d feel joy.” And I hate it. I hate that I’m in this state. I don’t feel connected. I don’t feel clarity. I don’t even know what I feel anymore. I just feel… numb. And the worst part? It feels like I don’t even care. But I know I do. Somewhere, beneath all the noise and panic and obsessive thoughts, I care. I want to feel close to him. I want to stop second-guessing every word, every touch, every thought. This is ROCD. It makes me question everything. It makes me feel like I’m lying — even when I’m not. It steals the moments that should feel warm and turns them into confusion. If anyone else feels this awful mix of numbness, fear, and guilt — please tell me I’m not alone.

So another obsession just popped up and it’s how during school I had a class with this one girl and I would always notice her. Like whenever I looked around my eyes would always go to her. And right now I’m just scared and feel like a terrible boyfriend bc even when something funny happened I would look around but my eyes would find my way to her. Now I feel like I just wanted her to notice me and it feels weird