9jewels
- Date posted
- 4y
Cloclo4Cloclo4
- Date posted
- 4y
I think the answer is when you said “I know I didn’t hurt him physically” subconsciously you know you didn’t do anything but your brain/ocd is trying to tell you otherwise and that’s one of many ocd’s power plays. I always wake up every morning feeling guilty, either from a dream I had or just randomly. Ask yourself, where’s the evidence? You’re just having intrusive thoughts/feelings/guilt due to ocd or whatever.
9jewels9jewels
- Date posted
- 4y
TW for talk of arousal Well I don’t remember it all that well. Me and my nephew were sleeping next to each other and he was subconsciously picking at my armpit while I was sleeping. I don’t know if this aroused me or if I was already aroused but I basically tried to ignore it and kept trying to sleep and was going in and out. I’m not entirely sure but I might have moved my legs or hips because of the arousal (or I had to go to the bathroom or both idk) and then I felt his hand again and I stopped. But I feel like there’s so much of this that could be fake. I feel like I treated him like an intrusive thought and tried to just deal with it and that I’ve defiled him somehow. Sorry this is confessing, but that’s what I’m dealing with and it’s hard to just go “ocd is being mean”. So many what ifs and uncertainty but I can’t just go “maybe I did and maybe I didn’t”. I’m not sure if this’ll change your opinion but I feel disingenuous not saying it at the same time. Thanks for responding
Cloclo4Cloclo4
- Date posted
- 4y
@9jewels (Psa: I am not a professional, and maybe it would also be best to talk to a therapist or professional about this and they can help you more to indenify your feelings/thoughts) Even if for example the evidence thing isn’t working for you because you were asleep, think about intent and your feelings. You feel sad, guilty, etc and you have no intent to harm it seems from what I’m reading. Plus you don’t seem to have any evidence of it either.
9jewels9jewels
- Date posted
- 4y
@Cloclo4 Yes, I apologize for venting. My appt was three weeks away but I managed to get one for Thursday because of this. I’m mostly unsure about whether I rocked my hips or whatever. I feel like I did or at least thought about it. AND I think I had intrusive thoughts while this happened too. It’s just hard. And now I’m coming up with scenarios of other things and how unacceptable it would be. I can prettily easily ruminate on something for days consecutively and it’s just hard all around.
9jewels9jewels
- Date posted
- 4y
@Cloclo4 And really I appreciate your comments and the time you took to leave them when you don’t have to.
Cloclo4Cloclo4
- Date posted
- 4y
@9jewels Yay I’m excited you have an appointment I guarantee you will feel better after talking to your therapist. Please let me know how it goes! Also, about the intrusive thought at same time thing, I asked my therapist about that because I was confused and she said the intent thing and feelings you have (guilty, sad, scared) You got this ! I hope your appointment goes well ❤️
9jewels9jewels
- Date posted
- 4y
@Cloclo4 TW for arousal and stuff as stated above Wait I’m sorry I have to say more because I keep thinking of things. I believe I’ve done something similar to what’s described above while awake, even if I only did it for a second. I have sexual thoughts all the time and I think I rocked my hips while my nephew was near by or just in the bed with me. The thoughts had nothing to do with him and neither did the arousal, but I suddenly feel very ill about it. I feel incapable and unsafe of being a good aunt. I want to say I stopped immediately when I realized it and had conflicting feelings because I was caught between (this makes me uncomfortable, therefore I should do it, and just going No No No). And rocking my hips is not really a sexual thing for me because I do it as a way of sit-down dancing as well and even then it feels wrong somehow. I’m sorry if this is dumping too much onto you, but I feel the need to say something or else I’m a fraud.
Cloclo4Cloclo4
- Date posted
- 4y
@9jewels It’s normal to have groinal response due to your intrusive thoughts a lot of people with ocd have groinal response including myself. I think you feel bad about rocking your hips because maybe you’re having an intrusive thought at the same time and your mind is interpreting your hip rocking as something else. Again, what you just sent here you should either print or re write or read out loud to your therapist so she can help you more in a professional way. And no of course it’s not dumping too much on me and you’re not a fraud! I think you should spend the rest of the evening (or day depending where you are) on eating, maybe put on a show/movie, and force yourself to do self care. Next thing you know you will be talking to your therapist and you will realize all of this stuff you’re worrying about and your brain is making into something huge really isn’t as big/bad as it seems.
Cloclo4Cloclo4
- Date posted
- 4y
@Cloclo4 Even as I type this I am also having intrusive thoughts convincing myself I did something bad today at work. Ocd makes it feel as real as it can get, so please try and eat something because you deserve to eat❤️
9jewels9jewels
- Date posted
- 4y
@Cloclo4 I appreciate the kind words I just feel as though I don’t deserve them. I just think I did it on purpose. I’m almost sure of it. It feels like I basically m worded with my nephew in the room. That’s why I feel bad and guilt and nauseous and all the other terrible things.
Cloclo4Cloclo4
- Date posted
- 4y
@9jewels I think you will realize a lot of things and feel better after talking to your therapist. She or he knows more about ocd and it’s power plays etc, let me know how it goes ❤️
9jewels9jewels
- Date posted
- 4y
@Cloclo4 I will. Thank you for sticking around. I don’t feel I can talk with my friends or family about this. I hope your thoughts ease up and that I’m you kick ocd’s ass.
9jewels9jewels
- Date posted
- 4y
@Cloclo4 I haven’t had my appt yet but I kinda broke down to my sister and mom and my sister understands intrusive thoughts and kinda reassured me but I have officially eaten something and feel a lot better.
Cloclo4Cloclo4
- Date posted
- 4y
@9jewels Oh shoot sorry I just saw this! You too thank you!! I can’t talk to my friends or family either really
Cloclo4Cloclo4
- Date posted
- 4y
@9jewels Yayy I’m glad!!!!
9jewels9jewels
- Date posted
- 4y
@Cloclo4 Yeah I have a few friends I can talk to but sometimes it feels like I’d just contaminate them with my awfulness so I don’t. I’m also thinking about getting accommodations for school because ocd makes me not want to do anything
Cloclo4Cloclo4
- Date posted
- 4y
@9jewels Oh yea I totally feel you
Related posts
Sunshinemomma17
- Date posted
- 20w
I acted on my intrusive thought in a half-asleep state and I don’t know how to live with the guilt
Hi everyone, This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to write. I’ve struggled with POCD for a while — intrusive thoughts that go against everything I believe in. I’ve never acted on them before. I’ve always been terrified of them and done everything to avoid them. But something happened the other night that I can’t stop replaying, and it’s tearing me apart. I was in that in-between state — not fully asleep, not fully awake. I was dreaming that something was “okay,” and in that moment, I moved my child’s hand toward me in a way I now feel completely ashamed of. I wasn’t aware of fully choosing it, but I remember it. I remember that it felt like I was following the dream, like my brain said it was okay. And the part I can’t stop obsessing over — that’s destroying me — is that in the dream, my child said, “no.” That moment makes me feel like the worst human being on the planet. I don’t know if he said it out loud or if it was part of the dream. But it felt real, and now I feel broken. I love my child more than anything. The fact that this happened — even in a foggy, dreamlike state — makes me feel like I crossed an unforgivable line. I’m not here to excuse it. I’m not here to get reassurance that it didn’t happen. I’m just trying to find someone — anyone — who has experienced something like this. Acting or moving in a way during sleep or semi-consciousness that your waking self would never do. I don’t know how to live with this guilt. I feel sick, ashamed, and like I’ve ruined everything. Please be kind. I’ve never felt more alone in my life, and I don’t know how to move forward from this.
Kell01
- Date posted
- 20w
Vent
Hate those times where you can decipher if it’s false memories or real. My theme is Pocd and I Cosleep with my son and ocd really loves to mess with that. My brain is spinning and trying to spiral into me thinking I touch my little one inappropriately in my sleep. This little image that keeps replaying is me turned towards him but my hand was on his thigh and I do believe he was in his side. And I remember I grabbed the blanket but for some reason I feel as if I grabbed or felt the blanket where it was folded. (Not sure if I was trying to fully cover him back because the pass couple nights he was tangled up in the blanket) I don’t remember what happed after that because I went back to sleep. But that little part I want to be certain I was messing with the blanket and not inappropriately touching my son. I mean can you touch someone inappropriately while sleeping? I’m sure a “real” pedo would plan something like this right? Like they would go to sleep with that intention. (Which I didn’t) Someone please help
Andi 🤓☝️
- Date posted
- 18w
So distressed plz help :( 18+
*tmi warning* I'm so worried im a P. Ive been crying daily unable to do anything else but ruminate over my real events. When i was 14 (before ocd) i was watching adult content and it was censored. The woman had similar features like hair and skin color as my niece. I remember noticing that and saying "huh i guess I'll imagine that as the adult version of my niece" and I did and after i was finished i moved on and didnt think anything was wrong. I dont know if i ever thought about that again? Its so blurry ocd keeps saying i did it again in a different time but i dont remember its too blurry and its scaring me so badly! I didnt even remember this till like literally last week and i wanted to die! Im 20 for context. When I remembered i immediately broke down in tears. I vaguely rmemeber this other thought i had of her when self pleasuring when I was 16??? I think it was a testing thought out of distress? But im not sure at all! It was extremely vague image and unrealistic i dont think I liked it but maybe i did?! Im so distressed its like i remmeber 2 versions of this particular event which is why I think its ocd false memories from there. Ive been ruminating and spiraling for almost a week. I keep crying i havent ate well at all in days ive been honestly dehydrating myself and i cannot sleep. I feel like a monster. I did the mistake of researching last night and kept comparing myself to the "criteria" of those sickos and like I felt so distressed. I also have been asking ai for hours on end everyday. I feel so distressed im literally crying rn as i write this i cant calm down i feel like this sick individual even tho I dont even like thinking of that at all i dont think I meant ill intent when i was a teen but its killing me inside. I would NEVER harm anyone nor want to or plan to, deep down i know I would never act out in those evil ways but like whats killing me is what if im attracted?! Is this a sign?! Am i one of those people?! Am i attracted to my niece bc of those 2 maybe even 3(??)thoughts years ago?! Did i mean ill intent?! Am I an actual danger?! Am I a monster??? I have so many urges to confess to my mom im so scared what this all means or could mean. I feel so alone and scared. Like legit whenever i get intrusive thoughts about gross stuff i feel disgusted and anxious and push it away. Those thoughts do not bring me pleasure whatsoever but this real event is making me doubt my own identity 😔
Be a part of the largest OCD Community
Share your thoughts so the Community can respond