TW pocd stuff, 18+, and starvation?? Can stop thinking about something that happened maybe a month ago. All I know is that I was sleeping and in and out of consciousness/dreaming or SOMETHING and waking up feeling guilty. Back then I’m as like “you were sleeping stop feeling bad” but now I’m starting to convince myself I’ve done something horrendous because I was in the same bed as my nephew at the time. Caught between “you ******** him” and “you were sleeping calm down”. I think the more I ruminate the more I’m going to misremember. I know I didn’t hurt him PHYSICALLY but I feel I’ve done something egregious. I haven’t eaten all day mostly because of ruminating but also feeling like I don’t deserve to.

TW for talk of arousal Well I don’t remember it all that well. Me and my nephew were sleeping next to each other and he was subconsciously picking at my armpit while I was sleeping. I don’t know if this aroused me or if I was already aroused but I basically tried to ignore it and kept trying to sleep and was going in and out. I’m not entirely sure but I might have moved my legs or hips because of the arousal (or I had to go to the bathroom or both idk) and then I felt his hand again and I stopped. But I feel like there’s so much of this that could be fake. I feel like I treated him like an intrusive thought and tried to just deal with it and that I’ve defiled him somehow. Sorry this is confessing, but that’s what I’m dealing with and it’s hard to just go “ocd is being mean”. So many what ifs and uncertainty but I can’t just go “maybe I did and maybe I didn’t”. I’m not sure if this’ll change your opinion but I feel disingenuous not saying it at the same time. Thanks for responding

@9jewels (Psa: I am not a professional, and maybe it would also be best to talk to a therapist or professional about this and they can help you more to indenify your feelings/thoughts) Even if for example the evidence thing isn’t working for you because you were asleep, think about intent and your feelings. You feel sad, guilty, etc and you have no intent to harm it seems from what I’m reading. Plus you don’t seem to have any evidence of it either.

@Cloclo4 Yes, I apologize for venting. My appt was three weeks away but I managed to get one for Thursday because of this. I’m mostly unsure about whether I rocked my hips or whatever. I feel like I did or at least thought about it. AND I think I had intrusive thoughts while this happened too. It’s just hard. And now I’m coming up with scenarios of other things and how unacceptable it would be. I can prettily easily ruminate on something for days consecutively and it’s just hard all around.

@Cloclo4 And really I appreciate your comments and the time you took to leave them when you don’t have to.

@9jewels Yay I’m excited you have an appointment I guarantee you will feel better after talking to your therapist. Please let me know how it goes! Also, about the intrusive thought at same time thing, I asked my therapist about that because I was confused and she said the intent thing and feelings you have (guilty, sad, scared) You got this ! I hope your appointment goes well ❤️

@Cloclo4 TW for arousal and stuff as stated above Wait I’m sorry I have to say more because I keep thinking of things. I believe I’ve done something similar to what’s described above while awake, even if I only did it for a second. I have sexual thoughts all the time and I think I rocked my hips while my nephew was near by or just in the bed with me. The thoughts had nothing to do with him and neither did the arousal, but I suddenly feel very ill about it. I feel incapable and unsafe of being a good aunt. I want to say I stopped immediately when I realized it and had conflicting feelings because I was caught between (this makes me uncomfortable, therefore I should do it, and just going No No No). And rocking my hips is not really a sexual thing for me because I do it as a way of sit-down dancing as well and even then it feels wrong somehow. I’m sorry if this is dumping too much onto you, but I feel the need to say something or else I’m a fraud.

@9jewels It’s normal to have groinal response due to your intrusive thoughts a lot of people with ocd have groinal response including myself. I think you feel bad about rocking your hips because maybe you’re having an intrusive thought at the same time and your mind is interpreting your hip rocking as something else. Again, what you just sent here you should either print or re write or read out loud to your therapist so she can help you more in a professional way. And no of course it’s not dumping too much on me and you’re not a fraud! I think you should spend the rest of the evening (or day depending where you are) on eating, maybe put on a show/movie, and force yourself to do self care. Next thing you know you will be talking to your therapist and you will realize all of this stuff you’re worrying about and your brain is making into something huge really isn’t as big/bad as it seems.

@Cloclo4 Even as I type this I am also having intrusive thoughts convincing myself I did something bad today at work. Ocd makes it feel as real as it can get, so please try and eat something because you deserve to eat❤️

@Cloclo4 I appreciate the kind words I just feel as though I don’t deserve them. I just think I did it on purpose. I’m almost sure of it. It feels like I basically m worded with my nephew in the room. That’s why I feel bad and guilt and nauseous and all the other terrible things.

@9jewels I think you will realize a lot of things and feel better after talking to your therapist. She or he knows more about ocd and it’s power plays etc, let me know how it goes ❤️

@Cloclo4 I will. Thank you for sticking around. I don’t feel I can talk with my friends or family about this. I hope your thoughts ease up and that I’m you kick ocd’s ass.

@Cloclo4 I haven’t had my appt yet but I kinda broke down to my sister and mom and my sister understands intrusive thoughts and kinda reassured me but I have officially eaten something and feel a lot better.

@9jewels Oh shoot sorry I just saw this! You too thank you!! I can’t talk to my friends or family either really

@9jewels Yayy I’m glad!!!!

@Cloclo4 Yeah I have a few friends I can talk to but sometimes it feels like I’d just contaminate them with my awfulness so I don’t. I’m also thinking about getting accommodations for school because ocd makes me not want to do anything

@9jewels Oh yea I totally feel you