Discussion Post for b13

that’s a big worry for me too, I’ve tried to read the document 2 years ago but it just filled me with so much anxiety. And then that worried me because I was like ‘am I worried because I can relate?’ Yeah I relate to you there. I’ve tried so hard to like ‘let myself’ like women but something just isn’t sticking. But then I think ‘what if I’m really not letting myself and I’m still like ‘suppressing’ or something’. I haven’t been diagnosed because I haven’t spoken to anyone properly about this since it started in 2014 because I’m too scared. I’m jealous of your diagnosis. I think I can’t have it because a) evidence and b) no other themes. How can I have obsessive compulsive disorder if I only obsess over one thing?

@b13 Wow, mine started in 2014 too. It feels like all these years have had a dark cloud over them. I also have no other substantial themes, but I have other fleeting obsessions. I totally relate to you. I feel like I KNOW I’m suppressing liking women.

@b13 I read the document again last night and I relate to 9 of the points 😭

@doloresguppies I TOTALLY agree to the dark cloud thing. Does it affect your memory too? I feel like I can’t remember anything properly from those years. They were also my teenage years and they were just completely wasted. I was already an introvert but I literally just never wanted to leave my house (still don’t), don’t wanna socialise or make new friends or anything. I don’t wanna do anything but stay in my house. So how do like the fleeting obsessions feel for you? Sometimes I think I’ve had fleeting obsessions but because they don’t feel like the sexuality one, or because they don’t sound like other peoples experience, I feel like they weren’t OCD. Like I’ve have a brief stint where I was obsessed with my health last year and about someone breaking into my house at night. I had a weird few months where if my parents were late coming home I’d start worrying they were in a car crash and like google nearby accidents and stuff. But I have no idea if that’s OCD because it doesn’t feel like the SOOCD. I feel like I know that too but I’ve tried so HARD to figure it out. The amount of times I’ve stood in the mirror and repeated ‘you like women, you’re gay, you want a gf/wife, you want to have sex with girls’ and like genuinely tried to get myself to believe this is ridiculous. I absolutely cannot go near that document. The anxiety I felt the first time I looked at it is just not worth it. But because I avoid it I wonder that I’m avoiding it because I ‘must know it’s real’ But I really don’t know :(

@b13 I worry a lot, because it went away for about a solid 2 years, or I had very little flare ups. I was able to distract myself and keep it at bay. It came back really badly when I was 16 and has been around pretty consistently for the last 4 years, but it’s only every really bad for a few months and I’m usually able to function. I just feel like when I have these “episodes” it’s just me snapping out of denial 😭 As for those other things, those totallt count as OCD. you don’t need to have full blown obsessions to have behaviors that line up with ocd. For me, I have obsessions with relationships and body image and social standing, but this one is by far the worst. It’s so horrible. I feel like I’m not trying hard enough. It feels like I’m suppressing a huge part of myself and I don’t know what to do.

@b13 Has yours been on and off?

@doloresguppies Yes mine has totally been on and off. But even when I’m having ‘good’ months it’s still there in the back of my mind but it’s not like controlling daily life. When it has gotten really bad, it starts like suicidal thoughts and self-harm and stuff and it’s mostly just because I want my head to shut up. I’m kind of in one of those bad patches now actually lol. But yes it totally does fluctuate. I get what you mean by the denial. When I am having a good period of time and it switches to bad I wonder what if those ‘good times’ were just me living in denial? Ah maybe! I just don’t know what my compulsions would be because I’m not sure I felt like I HAD to do them, I just did things because it made me feel better. I suppose that’s the whole point of a compulsion maybe? I feel the exact same as you, and I know that’s of no practical help at all because I also don’t know what to do! :(

@b13 I literally cannot stress enough how much I relate to worrying that the “good times” were just denial. That is exactly how I feel, and Im also in a bad patch right now! Usually, I have a really bad panick attack and sudden onset of symptoms that takes me months to recover from, but the last 2 times it’s hapoened I haven’t been able to fully stop compulsions. It’s awful. I have been suicidal many times during these episodes. I worry because I can literally go two months without googling or looking on reddit, but the thoughts will still be there. That makes me think it’s denial. Luckily, I’m medicated, so it helps me function. What’s so insane was that I was just crying to my mom about not having a boyfriend and being nearly 20 and somehow, I feel like that makes me a lesbian. OCD is nuts.

@b13 I feel like whenever I tell people I have ocd I’m lying. It’s such a bummer.

@doloresguppies So I’m not diagnosed so I always feel like a fraud when I talk about ‘my compulsions’ but if I do have it, then I also find it hard to stop compulsions. Checking scenarios and attractiveness feels automatic to me now, I don’t think I could stop it. The first thing I think about in the morning before I’ve even opened my eyes is who do I want to wake up next to? And I cannot stop it, it’s automatic. So I understand you. I’ve definitely had times where I haven’t googled at all and then later on I’ll be like ‘if it was OCD, I’d be googling all the time wouldnt I?’ So I’m 22 and I literally have zero experience in anything ever so I feel you there. But this is what stresses me out (and I worry about your response to this now) - when I try to think about having a boyfriend now I feel so uncomfortable. Even the word boyfriend just made me feel weird. Like I try to imagine scenarios and I feel like I don’t like it and I wouldn’t like it if it happened. But I KNOW I used to like the idea and the scenarios, I just can’t remember how it felt. So then that sends me into a spiral, thinking omg what if that was comphet. It’s SO confusing and literally painful. Before this specific bad patch though, I did like the idea of it, and had like fun stupid fantasies and stupid celeb crushes and tv character crushes and really stupid stuff but then when the switch flips and it completely turns off I’m like well what if that was denial/comphet because you don’t feel it anymore? Does this make sense and do you experience anything like this? Omg the lying thing! Whenever I post on here and even just speaking to you now I worry that I’m lying! or I worry that I’m exaggerating to get the response I want or I’m lying so I feel like I can relate or something.