Something I've been struggling with recently is not knowing if I left religion due to my own choice or if it was more of an OCD choice, I say this because everytime I think maybe I could return I get that OCD anxiety I know of all to well saying things like "God wont forgive you" "you've gone too far now" or "you dont fully believe in God so you're gonna go to hell, you're better off staying away". I know part of the reason for leaving was my own choice also but I cant help but think OCD had a big part to play, it's sad really because I hear so many times of people that feel free after leaving religion and I still dont feel like that, I almost feel lost or something.

I used to have religious OCD. Still kinda do. Accidentally thought something bad about God once, panicked thought something bad about the Holy Spirit. Fell into doom. This was recently after recomitting myself to Christ. Since then I pretty much gave up. Unfortunately, it also led to me compromising my morals many times because I figured I was going to hell anyway. I wish I knew what OCD was then. I think it would have saved me a lot of pain. I no longer have a relationship with God, and fear I never will again.

So about 2 years ago I gave my life to Jesus. I've always been a "Christian" but never truly lived liked one. Honestly never truly felt love for them until 2 years ago. It was the best couple months of my life!!! I felt so happy and loved and unstoppable! I thought this fire for God & Jesus will never burn out. One day I had a thought about is God real? It bothered me so bad and I went into a massive spiral. Doubting everything. My faith. if I was good enough. Am I really saved? Do I have enough faith? Is my doubt real? Is it too much? Have these blasphemous made God not want me anymore? Or Jesus? :( But I knew I was and that they were real! I know I've heard them. Then I started having horrible blasphemous thoughts but then it would go back to doubting thoughts then back to the blasphemous ones. I hated the thoughts and doubts. The thoughts are so mean towards God, Jesus & HS. It’s anywhere from evil thoughts to cussing thoughts to rejection thoughts/denying. Demonic thoughts. Literally anything bad you could think of! Even thoughts of if I really love them or wanna follow them. I learned about OCD from what I've looked up but I've been dealing with this for about 2 years now. It's hard. I doubt if it’s OCD. Definitely feel like I'm trapped or my faith isn't the same. Which makes me sad because I want my faith! I feel like I've gotten lazy and honestly that I don't deserve them or am "too far gone" from them. I feel like idk how to be a Christian or how to have faith or just exist tbh. I wanna love God & Jesus! I want faith! I just feel kinda stuck. Has anyone gone through this or has advice or tips?

So I grew up Christian and walked away from my faith as a teen for 12 years I recently came back to my faith for about 3 weeks and then I started scratching my scalp raw with bleeding scabs from my anxiety due to this worry of condemnation and am I sinning am I not sinning am I going to go to heaven or hell. I have officially left my faith again and feel kind of guilty about it. I believe that the world is about love and am spiritual but not religious but my OCD has been so bad about it that I can't believe in Christianity anymore. I can't even hear the name Jesus or heaven or sin or bible without feeling like I'm gonna throw up. I can't believe that a loving God sends people to hell. I can't live my life in fear. Has anyone else had to leave their faith for something more peaceful and less judgemental because of their OCD? Please no judgement or anything about how the Christian God is the only way.