I really need help I feel like I just forgot or lost who the fundamental me is.

My mental health is declining due to ocd. It’s like a huge mix between ocd episode and depression wave. I feel weak and hopeless. I wanna cry. I’m exhausted . I feel like I’ve lost myself again.

Hi everyone, I haven’t posted in a while—about 6 months—but I’m really struggling and need some help or advice. I thought I had healed from all of this, or at least I was doing so much better. I have never felt this before but it feels like I’m slipping back into something I can’t control. Right now, it feels like I’m stuck in a bad reality. It’s like I’m trapped with my dad in one reality, and I’m trying to get back to the other where I’m with my family, but I can’t. It’s so hard to explain, but everything around me feels unreal, and my mind keeps telling me I’m stuck. It feels so real, and I don’t know how to get out of it. It’s like I’ve been transported to another world, and I can’t break free. nd now I’m scared I’ll never come back to the “good” reality I had before. and I genuinely believe this. I’ve been struggling with these thoughts about spiritual realms, the devil, and spiritual warfare. My dad has always talked about these things, and he’s gone through psychosis before. He’s also had a history of doing a lot of drugs, and now I’m terrified that I might end up like him. I fear that I’m somehow becoming like him, trapped in that same mental space he’s been in. He talks about spiritual stuff that scares me, and I can’t shake the thought that I might be losing myself the same way he did. I know this might sound weird, but I feel like I’m getting closer to that line, and I don’t know how to stop it. I keep feeling like I’ll never come back to the way things were, like I’ll always be stuck in this distorted reality. I’m afraid of losing myself, especially in my faith. I believe in God, but my thoughts and fears about all of this are making it hard to feel connected to Him. I feel so distant from God right now, and it’s hard to see how this can change. Has anyone else experienced something like this—feeling like you’re trapped between realities, afraid of becoming someone you don’t want to be, or struggling with fears like this? How did you cope? I just need some hope that I can get through this and come back to a better place. I’m scared, and I feel like I can’t escape this. Any advice would really mean a lot right now.

It is not the thoughts or urges that scare me anymore. It is the way I feel like I’ve absorbed the compulsions into my identity :( I am doing them so automatically that it feels like I am choosing them freely and they’re me. and because of that, it feels like I AM the OCD now, not just someone with OCD. I think I’m just deeply trapped in a loop. I was trying to survive unbearable fear so I started scanning. Then I started pre-scanning. Then checking if I pre-scanned. Then I check how I feel during all that. I run to beat my OCD to the “punchline” (intrusive thought, urge, sensation) because I’m so scared all the time. So scared that I don’t even feel it anymore. I feel numb and all that’s left is this jittery residue and numbness. Now it’s all tangled together in a huge knot. I feel so extremely lost. I think this may just be meta OCD, but I’ve never ever felt so gone before :( I’m really scared.