I worry that my faith is bad because I don't read enough or try enough, not that it's ocd. and I don't read or stuff because it triggers it.

I don't really know if it's OCD, but lately I've been thinking a lot and in a very obsessive way that every single one of my actions, words or even thoughts will affect on how God will make decisions about my life. For example, if I lie to someone or yell at them out of anger, God will make happen something bad to me as a "punishment". I know it might seem silly, but it really really freaks me out sometimes... Does anyone feel the same? And if so, do you do something in particular to feel better? Thanks for your understanding❤️

Cause I don't have those Extreme cases where I Need to wash myself 100 times, or check things like light, all I have are my thoughts.

Since I started to accept that maybe some of the problems i deal with might be things that i should accept cause either way I feel shame if i have these thoughts, and i think that being that person is shameful. I'm struggling these days and I noticed I have thoughts about God not being real, not helping me, questioning if its real and these thoughts makes me feel shame. But i keep accepting it cause Im tired that i feel like im lying to myself and everytime i feel like im avoiding the truth, so I try to accept it that its okay that im having these problems(I do the same with suicidal ocd,I start to accept maybe its real) but since im doing this I noticed it makes me depreassed cause of shame. Made things worse, I always spin about shame that it might be true, i try tk accept it but it doesnt work, I feel like maybe i should go back and label every feeling and thought as ocd but i know i wouldnt be free cause i would feel like im trying to make myself feel better... But if its ocd, how can I decide its that if I have the emotions like im losing my faith, I get angry when i hear about faith, sometimes i feel like i really question it, have thoughts like i dont want to have faith...