TW!! POCD Please help. I’ve been doing decent lately but just need support on something that has kept me stuck. I can’t tell if this is a real memory or not, but I’m pretty sure it is. Maybe distorted. But feels so real. And I’m terrified. Last year before my huge OCD spike. So before I even knew I had OCD. I remember being around kids at work, and this girl in a skirt was on a climber on the playground and I remember looking up and you could see her underwear. I remember staring for a minute, and it was kind of like a car accident, I couldn’t look away. I remember finally coming to my senses and saying I wonder what people would think if they knew I was doing this. After that, I completely forgot about it until my spike in October and I’ve been living in a prison of regret and guilt ever since. I sometimes see that child at work still and I get a rush of anxiety and guilt. I just don’t know how to move pass this, for this reason it gives my OCD proof that I am what I fear so much. Is it possible that I was experiencing intrusive thoughts then and just didn’t care enough or realize it. I’m so broken from this. I hate what I’m going through. I hate myself if this memory is real.

This doesn’t mean you’re a pedophile. You’re questioning whether you are or not. Pedophiles don’t question if they are a pedophile or not. You are feeling guilt/disgust over the thought. Pedophiles don’t feel disgust/guilt over the thought. The thoughts are not the problem. It’s your reaction to the thoughts after the initial disgust/guilt. Recognize that you had a thought. It gave you this feeling of disgust/guilt because it’s not part of your character. Then you have to let it go. If you ruminate over it question it over and over you are going to end up in the rabbit-hole. Every time you catch yourself ruminating, identify that this is OCD because it is associated with the feeling of DOUBT. When I have intrusive thoughts about harm, pedophilia, or false memories, I recognize the emotion and also the overall feeling of doubt as OCD not as a REAL question. It’s not real. It’s OCD because if it was real there would be NO anxiety, disgust or doubt. Once you identify it as OCD, then tell yourself, this isn’t a real problem, this isn’t important it’s “spam” and refocus. Think about something else. Find something interesting to think about. Give your brain something else to do. THIS IS THE ABSOLUTE MOST DIFFICULT STEP. I know it’s hard. I know it seems impossible. But keep trying. Over and over and over. Identify your compulsions and eliminate them. Mine are ruminating, reassurance seeking and avoiding. I have 4 kids now so I can’t avoid. I’ve stopped asking for reassurance 95% of the time and I’ve noticed the intrusive thoughts going way down. I am still working on the ruminating which is more difficult to handle because it’s all internal, but I’m doing better. I know deep in my heart that these thoughts are telling me what I don’t want to happen. How much I value my family and care about children and people in general. That’s why it breaks my heart and that’s why it breaks yours. Hang in there. Take it one step at a time and work on stopping your compulsions. Eventually your mind will get the message that these thoughts are not important and are total bullshit.

I would say that it wasn’t necessarily an intrusive thought at the time, just you spacing out and being a normal human noticing the world around you. BUT the ruminating and revisiting months later is definitely an intrusive thought. With an uptick in OCD symptoms it makes total sense that you would start mining your own life for signs of this threatening possibility. With OCD we’re all shitty detectives led by an inexplicable feeling of guilt.

I think OCD wants to put our biggest fears in our face. At least it you know what you’re biggest fear is so you can start to recognize it when your intrusive thoughts pop up. I think that not letting it trick you is half the battle. I wish you the very best that recovery has to offer❤️

Thank you guys so much ❤️

Like how you stage that Fivel!