Feel like I’m constantly distracting myself to not act on my thoughts ugh I hate this so much

Feels like I wanna act on the thoughts I’m stressed out

I’ve tried living in the uncertainty today & kept myself busy but I can’t shake this feeling that I’m about to lose control & act on my thoughts. I keep feeling like I need to check in to see how I feel & keep my self safe & when I’m near my trigger it feels like I’m being pulled into doing it & feels like I want to but I’m not using compulsions. My thoughts feel like my own & feeling like I’ll be like this forever. Can someone relate or give advice 😩

I CAN'T STOP THOUGHTS. I think about meaning of life, time, afterlife and other shit. I can't stop thinking. I cannot distract myself. When my thoughts are the worst I'm thinking about su*cide, and it scares me because I'm not suicidal and I don't want to die. But what if I do something with myself? Please I want any advice what to do, I can't afford therapy at the moment