Sexual orientation OCD is absolutely exhausting. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be content or at peace again. This disorder makes it really hard to do one of my favorite things- be a reader and writer... because everything you read or write can be a trigger, especially with how far we've come in America to give voice to the lgbtqia+ community. I love how much representation there is in creative writing, I just hate how much it triggers my soocd and makes me double down on myself over and over and over again. :/

So my OCD has been bad lately. I’ve been ruminating and obsessing over my sexuality again. And it just keeps getting worse. I hate it so much. I try to sit with the discomfort but then my ocd does the backdoor spike. And the groinal response is what keeps me looped. It SUCKS. I am not attracted to men, but my OCD is trying SO hard to convince me that I am. There have been days where I’m just so mentally exhausted that I “accept” what my ocd tells me and I just walk around a hollow, lethargic shell. But then I rethink it and I feel better. It feels like I can only find my TRUE self when I tire my nervous system out enough that it literally breaks down and has me suicidal and hopeless. And then accepting my OCD’s “truth” (that I’m attracted to men) feels like a burden and a chore. I woke up today from an OCD dream, tried to go back to sleep, and my stomach kept cramping bc I was so anxious and ruminating over my intrusive thoughts. I’m starting to doubt it being OCD anymore. My brain is too tired to fight and cry about it anymore.

I’ve been dealing with SOOCD for over a year now, and I have been having a very hard day today. I feel like I just need someone to talk too, my whole life I’ve always had girl crushes and always wanted to be romantic with women . Ever since I posted this picture on instagram and one person said I looked “zesty” in it , which is when I started obsessing about being gay . I feel like I put so much meaning to these thoughts where now I’m always checking how I feeling around men. I had a really bad porn addiction for a long time and bad anxiety which fucked up my sex drive. I feel like I doubt if I’m attracted to women when I know I am , but the doubt is so overbearing where I start to believe it . I never was interested in men sexually, and my ocd makes me feel like I like the thoughts even though I feel no pleasure out of it. I feel like I lost who I am as a person . It feels like I don’t even know what my sexuality is and it’s really upsetting to me . I meant this girl the other day and she is the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met and I just feel like ocd is getting in the way😭😭😭 please any advice or comments

Does anybody else face both SOOCD and ROCD? I feel like it has been an ongoing cycle since January and now its July. This all started over a “should I kiss her” thought when dropping off a friend at home and ever since then, it is ongoing. My reaction used to be to cry and panic, and now its kinda mellowing out which scares me into thinking it could be real (all because my reaction is not what it used to be). I also have been facing sheer panic anytime I face something related to coming out. For instance, I seen a post on social media the other day about a women who came out after 14 years being with a man, after she rekindled a friendship with an old female friend…My head goes “so it could happen to me”. Or for instance, the other day, my grandma gave me a hoodie to give to my mom, or for me to keep for myself if it fit, and of course when she showed it to me, it had a rainbow heart and rainbow draw strings. This immediately sent me into a stomach turning panic. On the other hand, this is causing me to feel like I need to leave my boyfriend because what if I leave him in future anyway because of my sexuality. What if im saving him? This has all stopped me from feeling anything towards him and our relationship and Im scared on what that means. I know a lot of things read that it can cause a mental shut out of emotions, and a disconnect in the relationship, but it is making me feel nothing anymore and im scared that it means its time to let go. Our relationship has been nothing but perfect for 2 years. We barely argue and if we do, it is over quickly. Hes always opening my door, checking on me, taking me to do things to create memories, etc. I know that the honeymoon phase ends quickly but im having a hard time disassociating the difference between honeymoon phase is over, this is normal, or if I should leave him and because of the SOOCD thing or maybe I really am not straight. Thank you to whoever read all this. Im sorry for it being so long.