I don’t like that I’m getting memories from my trauma and it’s linking to my thoughts about my abuser and I don’t like that I’m feeling what he could’ve felt I don’t like the feelings & sensations :( this, is hard.

I just keep thinking about his mindset because I know what he was thinking about :( and it’s terrifying that he thought those things and now I feel like it’s linked to me bc I’m thinking about like “what if” I have those same feelings and urges he did..

I asked my mom if we can go to the market just now so I just gotta wait til she’s ready :,)

@BlueMountain Yeah it’s hard ;( and I know I’m just all over the place with it haha

@BlueMountain Ocd episodes last more than one day ? 😭 I thought I was going they something else 😅

@kathernyr Thru*

@BlueMountain Okayy 🥲 :,)

@BlueMountain It’s okay 🥲❤️ thanks for caring :,) really appreciate it ✨

@BlueMountain Okay but now it’s really feeling like I like that thought I was so concerned about a couple days ago with the changing thing that I would look bc I want to 🥲😭 o hate this bc it feels true man and ik I could ignore it but it feels so bad like that I’m accept that I’m like that, like it’s feeling like I would have the urge to look 😭😭 I feel like an actual pedo

@kathernyr It’s making me feel to admit this 😭 that that’s the reason why ..

@BlueMountain But it’s really really feeling like I like it and that I’m agreeing to it and I feel guilty bc it feels like I admitted to liking it and idk what that solved the relief of the scenarios I kept playing in my head to know the answer :( but now I just feel so confused idk what’s going on and I feel like my life is over I would feel bad to calm down now bc this is really concerning that I could be the type of pedo that he was who controlled themselves until they couldn’t or had curiousness and urrges this whole time and hid it from me :( I’m sorry my brain is just freaking out rn

@kathernyr I’m just really feeling all these things rn like the urges thoughts everything ☹️

@BlueMountain I felt like I just accepted that I liked it tho and I’m worried about it that that’s my answer :(

@BlueMountain I will once I put all the groceries away 🙁

@BlueMountain I just bursted out crying to my mom :( and she was asking me what was wrong but I just couldn’t tell her and I felt like a horrible daughter bc I could be a pedo

@BlueMountain It just feels like I’m lying to myself about all of this man, bc I feel like I’m becoming something I don’t want to be or I’m not but it just feels so inevitable like I’m still crying and I feel like if I move on it makes me so bad and just it’s unacceptable to me

@BlueMountain No bc I feel like she’ll think I’m like him which is what I’m feeling right now :( , and I pushed her away which kinda made me feel bad but I felt like it was best so she wouldn’t think of me that way

@BlueMountain I know that she’ll definitely push me to therapy bc at this point she’ll just do it and I’m scared now bc then I’ll be forced to tell them what going on and I feel like they’ll really call me a pedo and I’ll get sent somewhere else bc I’m really geniually feeling I could be and it’s hard bc it’s liek i can’t even argue with the thoughts anymore bc they’re true and I like them and I’m just not admitting it, like it feels like I have those things a pedo does :( I feel like it’s not ocd..

@kathernyr And idk what to do it feels like I have to control myself now so that I won’t do anything or avoid just everything so that I don’t find any children attractive or anything :( I feel like my life is ruined and these sensations won’t stop like

@BlueMountain I feel like I can’t even more right now :( I just feel really hopeless

@BlueMountain It feels like I had curiosity or I just had to know or make an answer for myself, and I got my answer and now It’s really beating me up :( I don’t like this I’m really sorry you have to put up with me but I really don’t have anyone that understands besides you abt this theme and I don’t trust therapists really..

@BlueMountain I have really hard time with uncertainty and acceptance especially giving myself the reassurance I need like how you’re so confident about yourself and that you aren’t the things your brain tells you you are. Idk if I’m even explaining myself right in the things I’m saying but I really feel like I’m becoming like my abuser :(, but I’m glad you do enjoy talking :,)

@BlueMountain So you know what’s going on in my head then and how I feel.? 🙁 I genuinely feel like one and that I want to see kids like in their birthday suits or something and I hate it I hate how it’s come to this :(

@BlueMountain I just talked to my mom and she walked off saying nothing :( in the end

@BlueMountain But I feel like I have the same urges he had :( and that I will act out on them, and like everything? 😭

@kathernyr My mom didn’t understand how I would become like him and she was just surprised how I’m still thinking about this stuff and that I need to let it go

@BlueMountain Idk how tho😭 that’s the problem and if I let it go I’m scared that I’m gonna change :( like a pedo or think that it’s okay to do or act out like him with the checking out kids, being a creep like how he was and everything else 🙁

@BlueMountain Really.? 🥺🙁

@BlueMountain I’m just scared to let all these thoughts go :( and I feel like my mom is concerned abt me and viewing me as a monster or doubting me abt what I told her, and she told me “how could you be like him, in what way” and I just couldn’t tell her that bc it’s just so much and she doesn’t really understand mental health. Now I feel like looking up why ppl who been abused become abusers :/ bc it’s been psychological and some physical abuse for me ..

@BlueMountain Okay then I won’t :,), and i told her what I could she isn’t so receptive to understanding stuff like this but I know she tries to be supportive, and thanks ❤️ :,)

@BlueMountain I’m glad you’re able to tell you mom about your ocd 🥺❤️ that’s really good

@BlueMountain Okay ✨, and yeah a tiny bit haha

@BlueMountain My mom made my favorite Dish so I might some

@kathernyr Eat*

@BlueMountain Eat, try to watch something, and go shower and try to sleep early if I can :,), how about you?

@BlueMountain Oh nice! And lmaoo :)

@BlueMountain Thank you hope you enjoy your rest! Cya ❤️ and thanks again i feel like It’s becoming annoying saying that but idk how else to express it 😭