I see and OCD specialist and she is on vacation for 2 weeks. When I tell her my thoughts in session, she often asks me what the worst case scenario is and why does it matter if it is true. Typically, I end up deciding that it doesn’t really matter if it’s true. But for some reason with my current obsession it feels like it really matters if it’s true and I don’t have her to talk to about it. I’m wondering if I should post my thought on here so that I can get feedback on the “so what if it’s true” part, but I don’t want to come off as seeking reassurance because I’m not. Thoughts?

I’ve been gone for about a month, mostly because I kept seeing messages on here that felt super anxiety-inducing and not understanding of OCD at all. Honestly, it got to the point where I started getting nervous to even open the app. Lately, I’ve been stuck in this OCD loop that I think might be moral scrupulosity or something like that. I’ve been dealing with this thing where I feel like I have to “challenge” stuff mentally or verbally, like if I don’t say something out loud, it feels super uncomfortable. And the thoughts are about heavy stuff, like assault or deportation or just really morally loaded topics. My brain starts picking everything apart. It’s like I have to look at things fairly, and then I get trapped in all these little technicalities. For example, if someone gets assaulted, my brain fixates on stuff like “what was she wearing”even though I know how harmful that line of thinking is. That is exactly the kind of thing my mind zooms in on. It happens with a bunch of topics too, not just that. I feel like I have to give the benefit of the doubt to the aggressor or see “both sides,” and then I end up doubting the victim. And the worst part is, it feels like I truly believe these devil’s advocate thoughts. It feels so real. It’s like I become convinced that the victim might be lying or that there’s some justification for the harm, and I don’t like it. This even happens with my boyfriend and especially his family. I’ll catch my brain flipping narratives or making me question people I trust. this has been a “habit”for as long as I can remember but now it’s happening so much more. I cannot stop doubting. It feels like I’m siding with people who I should have no doubts to be against. I don’t know what to do or what kind of ERP would work for this. I don’t know how to change this. It’s been apart of me so long, it simply feels like me.

What is it called when with ur ocd lets say if ur ocd theme happens like when you watch videos and ur mind comes up with something or your hypeaaware, but you feel like u cant tell ur therapist cus the video is proof because no one else would’ve thought that, and you know its not true anyways you just had intrusive feeling, but i know compulsions wont do anything but ur finding it hard to sit with this really scary thing like ohm ur accepting being this bad thing or if you have reassurance at least you’d know for sure,how can u live without knowing for sure even tho uknoe its deffo just ur ocd idk if this makes sense and what you call it ?:) if anyone could help me out

Yesterday I was really worried about something that happened about 10 years ago and it was causing me anxiety to the point I was struggling at work. So I texted my mom and asked if I could come talk to her after work but it got to the point it was consuming me to where I just texted her about it because I couldn’t move on with my day. She is usually very good about helping me understand the situation so that I can calm down. However, yesterday once I told her about my worry all she said was ‘Oh well? I’m not judging you’ to which I completely lost it and felt like she was confirming that what I did was bad. She said she doesn’t want to feed the obsession. I know that she is trying not to reassure me but I feel like it’s sent me into a deeper spiral. I have had some bad experiences in the past where I’ve trusted some people with my OCD themes and they back stabbed me and even spread rumors about me. I’ve been able to trust my mom up until this point, but now I can’t even get myself to text her. I don’t want to see her and I have this extreme feeling of anger towards her. I feel like this is finally the thing she’s gonna hate me for. I once heard that on earth we see sin on a spectrum or a scale that some sin is worse then others. However, to God who is looking down, where we see a stack, He can only see the top of the stack so it just looks like red dots to him so all sin is the same to Him. I really struggle with the idea of God, but I feel like I see it the same way, bad is bad regardless of how bad. At least that’s how I see it within myself, not others. So when I do something I perceive as bad it is just bad and makes me bad and to me that is logical. For example, when someone commits murder they are labeled as a bad, awful person, regardless of if they have done 1000 amazing things in their life. Even if they aren’t convicted for 30 years and they completely turn their life around and do amazing things, it does not matter. They still did something bad and people will hunt them down so they can be punished. So why is any other bad thing any different? People say it’s real event OCD and that these things I worry that I’ve done are not a big deal. But, if I’m worried about something that really happened then how can it be irrational? I have never murdered anyone but I feel like I have given that’s they way I feel about any potentially bad thing I’ve done. So when I can’t get reassurance sometimes I feel like it confirms that feeling of bad and makes me spiral more because then I think not only do I see myself this way, but now so does this other person. I know that this is a long post, but can anyone relate? Is reassurance sometimes okay?