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I struggle more with feeling like God is constantly disappointed and unhappy with me. For years, I have pictured Him with a disapproving frown, shaking His head and arms crossed saying "When is that girl going to get her act together?" I feel that no matter how much I read or pray its never enough. I know now both are part of my OCD. I love God so much. But I don't feel like He loves me back. I believe He does, but I don't feel it very often.

Yes it’s horrible. I get all these signs that I need to go street preach and then I finally step outside and then feelings go away and then it’s over. And when I lead worship songs I get super fixated on that I need to lift my hands and it drives me crazy and then maybe I will and then it feels like an empty compulsion. I can’t really think of a time that all this mess has really brought about pure fruit. Just cycles of anxiety that make it harder to actually will and do what’s right. It makes me avoid reading the Bible and gets me fixated on some particular thing that often doesn’t even work out anyways. I don’t know what’s true even as I write this. I woke up so anxious today, feeling like these feeling aren’t OCD that there actually the Holy Spirit. And I asked for a sign or two and got them, and now I’m flooded with fear and anxiety and I feel like I’m standing between heaven and hell and it’s so confusing.

I go through this and I still don’t really know how to handle it healthy but some tips are that God loves you and he doesn’t want you to go through what you’re going through. He doesn’t want to condemn you either!