when i was in the peak of my rocd i remember i was looking at my boyfriends baby pictures and i felt extremely anxious about if i should be looking at them since i had all these intrusive thoughts about if “we were meant to be” stuff and now i feel guilty about it, i know rocd is like about being uncertain and being okay with things being uncertain, but now that we’re broken up i feel like i shouldn’t have felt that panic or like “should i be the one he shared this with?” shouldn’t have been what i was thinking and i don’t know what that means and it makes me sad. Like does anyone get what i’m saying? Has anyone else felt that way when having rocd? kind of like doubtful that you should be included in sentimental moments bc of anxiety/rocd?

Right now I feel like I’ve realized something awful. Like maybe… I never truly loved my boyfriend. Maybe in the beginning I was just excited to be in a relationship. Maybe I confused that excitement with real love. And when the intrusive thoughts started, maybe it wasn’t ROCD — maybe it was the truth hitting me. I write this and it feels real. That’s the scariest part. It feels calm and clear and like maybe I’ve just been lying to myself all along, holding on because I “should,” not because I truly want to. I can’t remember how it felt to love him — and that makes it worse. I feel so disconnected, so numb, like nothing makes sense anymore. Every time I try to feel something for him, it feels like I’m faking it. Like I’m playing a role, not being myself. But the thing is… I’m not at peace. If this was really the truth, why does it hurt so much? Why does this “realization” come with panic, guilt, emptiness, and so much fear? I don’t want to hurt him. I don’t want to lose him. But I also don’t want to keep living like this — doubting myself, my feelings, and my past. I feel like I’m stuck in a cycle I can’t break, and I’m scared I’ll always feel this way. Has anyone ever felt like this before?

I have had ocd in my relationship for a while now. When I originally met him it was like this insane spiritual soulmate feeling and we just clicked instantly and he never judged me. I’m scared cause when I picture breaking up with my boyfriend I see myself being ok and being sad but moving on which I never was able to see before doesn’t this mean that this is what would happen or I don’t know till it happens? I still can’t imagine what life would be like without him but I just feel like I have lost feelings that I never wanted to lose. plus that’s also when I just picture knowing how people move on and how I’d just have to move on without letting myself picture processing the losses of all. I’m just really scared cause I used to think of wanting other things in someone else and what it would be like but I just thought how nice it would be to have it and not actually meaning it bc every time I thought about it I got upset and now it feels diff. He knows I have ocd but I never explained the ROCD because I thought it would have offended him so every time I went through a flare up I never told and acted like I was fine and it kept happening and OCD kept getting worse and worse. Maybe that’s part of the issue cause I haven’t been feeling like myself. But this is a feeling I never wanted to feel ever with him. I have gone through the feeling of numb but not like this. And he has a lot of positives but I can only see him overall as negatives and I’ve been told that’s ocd but it’s affecting how I feel. And yes there are legit actual things in the relationship that upset me but ocd has been affecting the way I look at him also. I keep being told my judgment is being impaired but this time it rly feels like not. And I’m Scared why don’t memories and things affect me like it used to doesn’t that mean I want this. Has anyone experienced this or is this the end 😭

If anyone can maybe relate or offer advice if this is a normal thought process…trigger warning, I discuss breakups in this post. My boyfriend and i have been together for 3+ years. Over a month ago, we got into the worst fight possible where we actually broke up for a week. During the week I felt we were broken up but had the hope we were going to work things out - and then I come to find out he didn’t think we were broken up but just taking time apart. Anyways, I went to a party with my friend and my boyfriend and I’s mutual friends. Keep in mind, during this entire time I didn’t know if we were getting back together and for the first time in our relationship I had true doubts. Anyways, one of their friends I hadn’t met before walked in and I met him and thought he was cute. No big deal right? But then I remember having a thought of “maybe this was supposed to happen, you meet someone else and this is the universe telling you that”. I kind of remember brushing the thought off and I barely spoke to that guy the entire night/didn’t even have interest in chatting with him. Honestly didn’t even bother me. Now over a month later, I’m worried about this thought and feel GUILTY over it. Like, is that a normal thought to have while going through a potential breakup? Does that make me a bad partner? (Because now things are back to being great with my boyfriend). Dare I say it makes me feel like I cheated somehow, when literally it was just a thought. If anyone maybe can offer insight I’d so appreciate it. I feel like that was a normal thought to have given the circumstances but idk.