That made perfect sense! My last relationship was all over the place to be honest, I think he had some issues as well. I was constantly questioning if he was the one, I was nit picky, and I was always monitoring how I felt and how I "should have" felt in situations. But something I also felt was like you! When I was kind of annoyed with him or even my intrusive thoughts about him, I would be like "oh he doesn't deserve physical intimacy so I'm not going to give it to him." It made me so confused, because tbh I loved the intimacy with him, but my thoughts were telling me he didn't deserve it. Thanks for sharing, your story made me feel less alone 💗
This makes 10000% sense to me, it is exactly what I struggle with. What I will say is doing ERP has helped this TREMENDOUSLY. It has calmed down the intrusive thoughts so I now have access to the same kind of love and compassion I have for others. And so my thinking doesn't go into the "do they or do they not deserve kindness?" place. Instead all of that feels just really irrelevant. I'm not triggered, I can just be present and loving. It is truly amazing and I did not think this was possible. Could not have done it without ERP. Have you tried ERP at all? Curious your experiences with it if you have. Don't give up! I have struggled with this for 20 something years and it is finally changing. It can change for you too!