Hi everyone! Does anyone else have a hard time being kind to their partner (or in my case, ex) because they’re scared they don’t “deserve“ it? My partner and I were together for almost 4 years and broke up a few months ago. It’s been really difficult but we’re in the process of trying to maintain a friendship. We were each other’s best friends for years and neither of us want to lose that. Anyway, I’ve mentioned this so many times by now but most of my ROCD is always partner-focused. Is he a bad person? What if he’s cheating? Is he lying? Etc, etc. He did mess up many times in our relationship but we worked through it all. But something that has always been really difficult for me, is showing kindness or doing something nice for him. It always brings me SO much anxiety, and I start wondering “what if I’m doing this nice thing for him, and he’s cheating on me?” Or doesn’t deserve my kindness in some way. It just happened again. He had a rough weekend, and so I sent him a kind message just to be supportive and let him know I was here if he needed to talk and even after we’re broken up, now I’m still having anxious thoughts like “what if I’m still being kind to him, and he lied about this or that while we were together?!” Or “what if I’m being kind to him and he was in the wrong in this situation and doesn’t deserve kindness” It’s really messing me up. I don’t believe that “bad people” exists. I believe people do bad things and everyone deserves compassion and love. I just can’t stop feeling anxious when I feel like I’m going above and beyond for someone, if it’s going to make me look/feel like a fool in the future. Hopefully that makes some sense! Thanks for reading 💕

alexisrae1999

267d ago

That made perfect sense! My last relationship was all over the place to be honest, I think he had some issues as well. I was constantly questioning if he was the one, I was nit picky, and I was always monitoring how I felt and how I "should have" felt in situations. But something I also felt was like you! When I was kind of annoyed with him or even my intrusive thoughts about him, I would be like "oh he doesn't deserve physical intimacy so I'm not going to give it to him." It made me so confused, because tbh I loved the intimacy with him, but my thoughts were telling me he didn't deserve it. Thanks for sharing, your story made me feel less alone 💗

wilde

267d ago

This makes 10000% sense to me, it is exactly what I struggle with. What I will say is doing ERP has helped this TREMENDOUSLY. It has calmed down the intrusive thoughts so I now have access to the same kind of love and compassion I have for others. And so my thinking doesn't go into the "do they or do they not deserve kindness?" place. Instead all of that feels just really irrelevant. I'm not triggered, I can just be present and loving. It is truly amazing and I did not think this was possible. Could not have done it without ERP. Have you tried ERP at all? Curious your experiences with it if you have. Don't give up! I have struggled with this for 20 something years and it is finally changing. It can change for you too!