So.... I got a little nervous at like 2 am, which I'll admit is the usual time I go to sleep because... of reasons. I texted my boyfriend, We hadn't really talked much that day because he had to work so I will also admit that i wanted some attention and i might have made out the situation worse than it actually was... Initially i didn't even think he would text me back at this hour but when he did i didn't want him to feel like i texted him that for nothing and also I needed some attention. Am I manipulating him because I told him i felt worse than i actually did?🥺

I feel ya on this. I see so many self focused rocd post but I have partner focused rocd. Nice to see a post I relate to more. My partner and I seem to only fight when it relates to my ocd. I was diagnosed less than 3 months ago and erp has made such a big difference. You’re right though, it’s painful! However our relationship is calm and peaceful finally!

@LisaP99 Wow that’s great to hear from you on this. Yeah! We feel happy otherwise, we only argue when it’s regarding my ocd attacks. It’s good to hear that it worked for you. If you don’t mind me asking, what were/are your intrusive thoughts about your partner?

@LouisRN Cheating! Always cheating! All roads lead to him cheating. Then secondly he’ll all of sudden no longer love me like turning off a switch, that quick and absolute. My ocd also makes me feel stupid, gross or unworthy so I will believe the lie it’s trying to convince me.

@LisaP99 Oddly enough I don’t obsess about him cheating. Which surprises me. It’s usually that he’s not sexually attracted to me, and that he would rather get his kicks from porn or masturbation instead of me. Then eventually the fear is that he will leave me. But it’s like you say all roads lead to the thoughts. There’s so many triggers. Almost impossible to write them all down. What did you do to temporarily satisfy your fears? I go through his search history and text messages and I feel so awful.

@LouisRN During my anxious moments, I’ll have thoughts like “seriously you’re going to let him get away with this?! You have to be kidding me!” Like it’s so real that he’s doing something wrong that I’m now this person who allows her partner to cheat on her. It’s crazy.

@LouisRN Omg that’s so me! As far as going through his search history and phone!

So I was going to a therapist who specializes in trauma and she was the one who diagnosed me. I went on a mission to find a therapist who specializes in ERP in my area and only found two! I met my ocd therapist just last Monday and she is extremely knowledgeable but tough! Bc it was a long wait for my first appointment, I read the mindfulness workbook for ocd by Jon Hershfield which is a good resource, joined a virtual support group, use this app and one other and whenever I have time I’ll listen to dr McGrath’s Wednesday webinars. (He didn’t do it this past Wednesday tho and I didn’t like his fill in so I didn’t listen.) yes, I may have went overboard with my recovery but I’ve suffered from ocd for 20+ years and didn’t know! (Also my bf dumped me, that motivated me a lot to get well.) finally I got the answer I’ve been searching for, I’m going to grab the bull by the horns! So the looking on his phone, search history and analyzing things in his house (yes the washcloth that looks used lol) it’s all forms of checking compulsion. My therapist ban me from checking and reassurance seeking off the bat. I gotta track how many times I submit or resist my bans - checking & reassurance seeking. What also helped me is the other app I have, it’s gg ocd (not free), it’s nothing but affirmations or bad thoughts that you either swipe up or down to accept or discard, it’s a game, and once I read the affirmations enough they’re implanted into my subconscious and they surface when I need them. it’s like I’ll be alone in the room with his phone and it’ll pop in my head “I resist going through my partner’s belongings” or “I don’t need to analyze my partner’s behaviors”. It’s a ploy if my bf is telling me to not go through his stuff, but it’s really about trust and respecting boundaries to him. But if an app tells me to stop looking at his Facebook then it’s a healthy boundary to me. :)

Oh and we’ve had a big fight about me finding porn on his iPad. Ugh I felt so inadequate, obsessed about it, watched and analyzed every video he watched multiple times and compared the women to me and I felt like nothing & hideous bc my boobs don’t look like that and I’m not Hispanic. But my true self, the person who I really am, separate from ocd, is very trusting of him, my true self does care if he looks at porn from time to time. My true self knows I’m a pretty good package and that my partner fully knows that too. (I wrote an extremely long reply above your last reply, sorry so long, I’m passionate lol)

@LisaP99 *my true self doesn’t care if he looks*

@LisaP99 See I do care if he looks. And it kills me. I’m trying to not obsess over him doing that. And I want to stop making more out of it than what it really is. It’s always guys that look nothing like me. So I worry I’m not his type. And he’s settling for me. Even though logic says that why would he be with me if he didn’t like me? I want to learn to not care about those things lol

@LouisRN I did care too! But I think once you progress in your therapy, you will find what are your genuine thoughts and feelings and what are ocd thoughts and feelings. My true self won’t tolerate a porn addiction and he better not choose it over me lol but if I’m not available and it’s his alternative, yeah, I’m fine.

Money isn’t a factor at this point. I just want relief

@LouisRN Right! That was me too. I want to be that confident, cool gf that was present in the beginning of our relationship

@LouisRN Stay on the road of therapy and if ur not making progress with your therapist, switch! We deserve to have a healthy happy relationship and to be happy ourselves. Wish you the best!

@LouisRN I looked at the gg rocd and man the graphics are bad compared to the normal gg ocd. I’m sure the content is just as good though. The gg rocd is cheaper but gg ocd does have a 7 day trial and you can skip to the relationship subtype