It’s like I get calmer and calmer each day and I can almost see my way out of them but every once in a while my brain asks me if I want to break up and that feels real. Any tips on this?

It’s kinda stressing me out because I don’t feel scared anymore but that thought is still there. Sometimes that makes me feel like I want it or am okay with it

@cozycat That could be the backdoor spike, which occurs when you are doing better with things.

@Anonymous What’s the best way to handle the back door spike?

@cozycat I don't have an answer for this really. I still struggle with it, but I assume you handle it the same way you did in the beginning. Just sitting with the thoughts, sitting with whatever feeling is present and resisting the urge to figure out why you're not feeling xyz or to figure out if the lack of whatever feeling means it's true. I'm sure there are articles somewhere that can shine more light on it than I can currently.

@Anonymous Okay got it

@cozycat If it doesn’t scare you , why does it stress you out? I don’t think you are fully exploring how it actually makes you feel. If it stresses you out, then it’s still connected to your amygdala fear response. OCD is tricking you right now, and making you think you are not afraid when you are. Those without fear don’t feel stress. Those without fear feel peace. If you’re not feeling peace you’re not free from ocd. Remember that. Whenever you have doughts and stress remember “where there is truth there is peace”

@Sasha Doubt**

@Sasha I feel more at peace when I know I love him and there’s not an issue. It’s like my brain is confusing stress with peace. It’s weird but I catch myself taking deep breaths when thinking about it. When I think about it I can’t tell if I’m at peace

@cozycat Like I said when there is doubt, there is no peace. If there is no peace then you shouldn’t trust your brain. Only trust your brain when it doesn’t confuse you, when you feel peace. If you feel a sudden feeling of “do I love him? What should I do?”. It means you are in murky water again, and the brain shouldn’t be trusted. Just tell the brain “maybe I do or maybe I don’t.” For full recovery, you have to decide that you will accept the possibility that you don’t love him. That this is all a big lie, that you might be in the wrong relationship. If you can sit with that trigger, you will fully recover. And I mean sit with it, without ANY compulsions. I did that with my sexuality ocd, and it’s virtually gone. Can things still trigger me? A little bit here and there. But it’s so low of a trigger at this point, I can just flick it off without losing any sleep.

@Sasha Here’s the issue with the peace thing though. If I catch myself feeling even a moment of peace I catch myself and I’m like “oh my gosh that means it’s true” and so it starts again

@cozycat I understand. But that’s not true peace. True peace is “it’s true” and I know it’s true. For example: If a guy you were dating was vile to you. Terrible. He treated your family and friends with disrespect. And a thought popped up “I shouldn’t be with him”. Most likely you wouldn’t feel “oh my gosh that means it’s true.” You would feel like , “well duh.” And you’d have peace in your acceptance of that thought. But what you’re bumping up against is an ocd thought. And then what you are attempting to do is “feel” good about the relationship. This is faulty wiring happening. Imagine this: I gave you a piece of bread, and asked you what does it taste like. But because you lost your taste, you would say I can’t taste it. Now you believe the bread has no taste. But the reality is that your taste sensors are not working. So now bring it back to your ocd brain. I’m asking if you “love your partner” and you say I don’t know because I can’t fully feel it. And I’m saying it’s not the relationship, it’s your brain not giving you the feeling you want. The solution ? Stop trying to feel certain. Stop trying to feel like you’re in a good relationship. Stop trying to test whether you love him. You have faulty wiring when it comes to feeling it, accept it the same way you would if you couldn’t taste the bread anymore. It’s still bread. You’re still in a loving relationship Eventually after you accept it, you will find that you will feel it again and it won’t be a problem. But the issue is that you have to stop trying to feel “peace”. Your brain isn’t going to give you that until you accept its terms. And it’s terms are “accept the uncertainty of the relationship” . If you don’t do this you will keep fighting and checking, and resisting, and obsessing. You will never win. So drop the relief. Drop the reassurance. Accept that you have faulty “feeling” wiring. And keep dating this partner and leaning in to the relationship more and more

@Sasha Thank you! You are always very helpful with this stuff. I think to stop my reassurance asking aka posting on this app I’ll just post something that has nothing to do with it

@cozycat It’s so foreign and strange to do at first. It makes you feel like you are doing something wrong by not trying to test or solve or get reassurance. But if you just accept the thought and the feeling, you will start to see the recovery process. Keep me updated! I know you will recover from this!

@Sasha Thank you! That whole paragraph finally clicked something and I understand how I’m supposed to look at it now

@cozycat Fuck yea!

@Sasha So this is the only way I know how to reach you but you seem to be someone that is well educated on this topic so!! Everyone else suffering with rocd is like “I know I love him but I feel like I don’t” and I used to be able to say that but now that sounds like a lie along with “I know I want to be with him forever but…” so would I also be accepting that I don’t know the answer to these questions? Because obviously the longer I’ve gone the foggier my logic is

@cozycat Yes yes. Good question. What it looks like your bumping up against are your “reassurances” are starting to not work. Because “I know I love him but I feel like I don’t” is still a reassurance . Do you know if you do? Do any of us know? Is there full certainty? What is love ? Right, it’s heady stuff. We can never fully know these things. So you are on the right track about accepting this fear. When the thoughts come up, you don’t argue with them. They will win. The ocd just ramps up the feeling of doubt, and you will be in the fog. When the thought comes up. Just say- I may or not be in love. I will continue to be with him and I will accept this uncertainty. Also if you need to ever talk more here is my email: sashabenariel@gmail.com I am starting a masters in psychology so it helps me to try to articulate my understanding as well and share my knowledge.

@Sasha Okay that makes sense. And I don’t feel as like anxious or stressed about them. Would that be from just having a prolonged time of anxiety?

@cozycat You are actually recovering. You just aren’t used to feeling normal about a thought that’s been bothering you for so long. Your body isn’t feeling threatened, but you yourself logically are having a hard time coming to terms with that because you’ve been so used to being triggered by it.

@cozycat I know I’ve told you this before. But you have to try and remember this. Anything that you are sure about will not give you doubt, it will not trigger a need for reassurance. There’s nothing in the world that will give any person certaintity that they are in love with someone. People who don’t suffer with ocd have unsure thoughts all the time about their spouse. Most of them hardly notice it, because it doesn’t cause a panic reaction for them. If I ask one of my buds if he has thoughts about that, he will probably say yes but it won’t bother him. Or he won’t even pay attention to those thoughts. But our minds are hyper vigilant! They take notice of any thought especially ones that we hold sacred and they tell us there is a threat. Here’s a little thing I do sometimes when my ocd is really sticky that I learned from a psychologist: “if someone put a gun to your head and you had to make a decision, what would you do? Say you love him or you don’t? And if you’re wrong about it, he shoots you. Which would you choose? Try it. See if it gives you a stronger response.

@Sasha The gun to the head thing actually makes me panic to look for an answer haha. And it’s like no because that’s what ocd is telling me I think

@cozycat Oh interesting. I use it more for contamination ocd or if I’m not sure I did something or didn’t. And it works well for that. I haven’t used for relationship ocd, so it might not be as effective. Lol… but hey worth a try!