I miss knowing my style. Being able to shop without panic. Knowing what I like.

I feel like I’ve lost who I am , even since my depression and ocd started. I don’t even know what I like anymore:(( I doubt everything I think and it’s so draining because I just want to feel like my old self again😭 I feel like I have no motivation to get better which is bothering me so much because I want too but something is holding me back from doing what I need to do :/ with all my thoughts and doubts , I feel like I can’t trust myself . I don’t know if I’m the only one that feels this much pain

Idk how to caption it other than that. My whole life I’ve had an issue with memory hoarding and the upside has been that I have a really vivid memories of my childhood and I get to remember my best days, the main downside has always been I have a lot of childhood trauma too and I remember every detail meticulously like I can relive and reanalyze them which has caused issues in my healing. However as much pain as it is to remember bad things so well it’s always been a bit of a comfort bc at least I know for sure even if other people don’t know or don’t believe. But as of lately I I’ve been forgetting things, whether it’s what time I’m supposed to work (and I have compulsions when checking my work schedule bc I’m always scared of reading it wrong so I usually open it up read it close it and open it up again 2-3 times so I usually KNOW) or what day it is, or just small things that I don’t remember saying or doing that other people swear on. I just have always felt like I know at the very least I know and lately I don’t and I’m so scared of going crazy and losing myself like literally my biggest fear. So I hate this. Today is Friday I was convinced yesterday was Friday and I woke up today for my Saturday shift completely convinced today was Saturday. I hate being wrong and making those small mistakes because it’s terrifying to think about what else I’m remembering wrong, or what else do I not “know” that isn’t actually the truth? I’m just so scared of losing myself mind. Has anyone ever experienced anything like this?

I sometimes get in my head that my bf is limiting me? When he never has and I highly doubt he ever will. He wants me to go to school. He wants to be there for that. He wants me to dress confidently (but modestly around his parents, that’s more a me thing cuz I really want them to warm up to me). For some reason today it’s specifically about dyeing my hair?? Like a crazy colour or smthn (which I haven’t done since I was like. 10). “He doesn’t like crazy colours in hair HED hate it” ok? I also wouldn’t really like it at this point in time cuz I go with a nice copper colour that I love. And I’ve done that for the last couple years. Like yeah funky hair colours are fun but I don’t think I actually want them? How do I know if I actually do want them? I just like having highlights cuz I feel like I look a lot prettier when they’re done. I think the craziest I’d go now is like a deeper red than my copper like my friends lol. Idk I got super in my head cuz I saw a girl with her bf and she had pink streaks which looked really cool. It’s not that he wouldn’t let me it’s just he’s not a fan(he’s Muslim so, makes sense tbh. His mom does want him to dye his hair cuz he’s graying lol), and I grew out of it. It was fun when I was 10. Honestly if I wanted to have colourful hair again I’d get those chalk ones or that hairspray at Halloween stores lol. I don’t want anything permanent. I like the predictable nature of how my hair fades Yeah weird thing to obsess over. My bf has never been controlling of my looks and I’ve had no desire to really do anything out of the ordinary. It did make me anxious when he said it initially like a year ago but I haven’t really cared about it. Now I’m worried I’m ignoring some gut instinct lol. But I don’t think I have. I feel like me. I feel safe and happy. He loves how I dress. He loves the highlights (I’m pretty sure). Idk I’ve never had an urge lately to try to dye my hair a crazy colour. Like “ooo pink streaks. Im doing it” I like it but idk. It’s not my style. It hasn’t excited me in years. Idk if it’s cuz I’m depressed that I’m like meh(my depression scores haven’t been super high so I’ve been doing really well, even without meds) or if it’s just meh to me now. When I was a kid I had short hair lol now it’s down to the middle of my back. I’m still that weird kid who did dye her hair and loved sharks and dragons and would rather read than play at recess. The same girl who worked and worked to get to university and still loves theatre (yeah my bf got stuck with a theatre kid who can’t sing or dance, I’m a tech kid. It’s the first thing he told his sister lol). On the positive side, it’s our year and a half anniversary. We played roblox for a few hours cuz I’m 3 hours away rn. I also worry I’m not happy being a woman but I am. I’m not happy with how society treats women as a whole, but I wouldn’t change being a woman. I worry my smile isn’t genuine. I worry that the reason I feel so depleted is cuz I’m not who im supposed to be. But I have no desire, only stress thinking about being a man. I think the reason I’m so depleted is just general burnout from school (I’ve been in summer classes the last 4 months and planning how to run a club and looking for research opportunities. Yay pre med!) and also the state of the world. I don’t live in the USA but I feel unfathomable amounts of anger seeing what trump is doing. And seeing the atrocities in Gaza and Syria knowing my bf’s heritage lies in those places feels. Upsetting. I think I’m just generally tired of being a human, not being a woman. I love being a woman honestly. I’ve always been tomboyish so maybe that’s where the panic lies