i am horrified. ‘i might actually be attracted to little girls’ is all that’s going through my mind. it’s hard to fight it. it’s hard to ignore it, i feel awful about it. but do i feel awful for finding them attractive? i don’t know. i don’t know anything right now. it’s so hard, it’s hard to just live. i’m absolutely terrified. if i see a little girl while i’m out, it’s almost like i get excited. i check with them to see how i react and i’m usually like, ‘okay just a little girl not a big deal’ but i’ve been looking at their legs and shit. i feel awful about it. then i wonder ‘do i find this attractive?’ and it’s becoming harder and harder to see what’s real and what’s not. what are my thoughts and feelings, what is because of OCD. i’d never had these thoughts before 2 weeks ago. i feel like it was latent or it was awakened all the sudden… does ANYONE ESE go through anything at all like this???? does this confirm it? i’m not getting any pleasure out of this and i don’t purposefully create any fantasies but what if that’s next??? i hate all of this SO MUCH i start feeling better and then i’ll see a little girl. then it turns into ‘oh did i like looking at them? did i find them attractive?’ does anyone else experience anything similar???? i feel SO ALONE, i feel like all my worst fears are true. i feel awful. i’m in so much intense distress and anguish and i have so much anxiety.

You are definitely not alone in this, reading your post made me feel as if I had written it. My POCD is a subtype I really hate because it can twist my thoughts and make me think things I would never voluntarily think...then I realized that this is exactly the key to fighting them. We, especially as OCD patients, are not responsible for thoughts that pop up in our heads and even less for our bodily reactions. They are empty thoughts produced by a mental health problem we suffer from, they are not who we are. I know this is really hard to do but pushing against them only worsens your condition (as someone who ruminates quite a lot, I am aware that this can be nearly impossible). Despite all this feeling extremely real, you have to know that obsessive thoughts can disguise themselves perfectly and even make you think you looked at her for too long or something on purpose. For immediate anxiety relief, I would recommend trying various methods like distraction, breathing exercise or perhaps talking to someone and see what works best for you. And remember, you are worthy of love and support and although recovering from OCD is a long path, you are not on it alone :)

I’ve been there friend. Are you seeing a therapist right now? Definitely do it if it’s a possibility, they will help you learn how to not check your body for “feelings of attraction” and to not ruminate. It’s that internal checking and rumination that’s keeping you in the loop with anxiety. Best of luck to you, you’re not alone.