I’m really triggered. I just had a memory of something I had done a few years ago, and it’s making me question everything.
A couple of years ago, there was this app that everybody was using called Yubo. It’s like a live-streaming app, where you call with your friends and you can add random people to the call when they request. It was kinda weird, and the craze died out after a few months. This app also had this ‘tinder’ style section, where people could swipe you depending on whether they found you attractive… I only used the app to do the live streams with my friends, but eventually I noticed that I had a lot of notifications, and people had been swiping and messaging me. I went through the messages just out of curiosity, and I noticed that a girl had swiped me. Being that I’ve never been into girls in that way, I just carried on through the messages ignoring that one - not thinking much of it. And then for some reason I thought to myself, ‘maybe I should try speaking to her and see how it makes me feel’. I did, and it was just… not my thing. I just didn’t feel anything, at least not in the same way I would with a boy. I removed her, and just carried on with my life as though nothing happened.
As you can probably gather, I didn’t have HOCD at this time, and it didn’t bother me.
But now I’m looking back and thinking, ‘someone who was straight would never have even thought to talk to the girl’, and then all of the tik toks I’ve watched where people talk about ‘closeted’ straights always ‘thinking they’re straight’ comes to mind. It all just feels confusing. I hate it. I’m not physically, emotionally, or sexually attracted to women and I never have been, but for some reason I just CAN’T stop doubting, and I feel like I can’t trust my own judgement because, ‘what if I’m lying to myself?’…
The sexual fluidity movement makes me feel so confused. Using the logic from that movement (which I think is amazing for the people who feel represented by it) I mustn’t be straight, because any deviation from wholly straight behaviour PROVES that I’m not straight. But I think and feel as though I’m straight… in other words, I talk and walk like the duck, but I don’t know whether I’m a duck.
Anyway, has anyone been feeling like this recently?