Im so scared that my thoughts about my boyfriend is real ..

Me and my boyfriend have only been together for a short period of time....and he's head over heels for me...at least he says so. All the time I'm so scared he's going to break up with me or any time something is uncomfortable I shut down and think I did something or he's thinking about me in a negative way and I don't know how to stop it. He doesn't do anything to seem like he wants to break up with me, but any time he does something a little different then normal I immediately think of the worst. If he's being really quiet I'll be thinking *is he going to break up with me* *does he not want to be with me* *is he just hanging out with me right now because he wants a girlfriend to pass the time* all of that stuff. And honestly I'm so scared..... because what if my thoughts are true?

Ii spoke w my bf this weekend and he mentioned that he has thoughts just like me, but his don't bother him like me. I then felt a lot better and he tried dissecting one of his thoughts like I usually do and realized it felt more real for him after. That made me realize that none of my thoughts were ever true and I blew them up. However, yesterday I had a thought ab “wait wut if you liked that one guy? How dare you bc youre supposed to love your bf and not secretly like someone else” and treated it as I usually did bc I accidentally wanted to see if it was true but didn't rlly but I would check to see if it was there and now that thought feels so so so real now and I feel really bad how do Ik it's not real? I feel so bad and guilty bc lividly this makes 0 sense but it feels so prominent. It felt pretty real when it happened yesterday too. And now I feel awful bc how is it possible after my clarity the other day? Why does it feel so prominent 😞😞😞

Im scared that if I start to think it too much, I will start to believe it, and it becomes my reality. I always have thoughts like, “Do I love him, what if I lose feelings, how longs is this going to last, when will these thoughts finally go away, is he the one for me, is this how love feels like or am I just convincing myself?” I start to search things up to make myself feel better but the longest that works for is a few hours and then that gut wrenching feeling comes back. I love him I’m sure of it, but then why do I feel like this? I know if I didn’t love someone I would let them go and would t even fight for it or try to get better, but for him I’m trying ever second of everyday and sometimes I just feel so hopeless. I can’t afford a therapist and I’m too busy to talk to one. I don’t know what to do or how to feel, sometimes I just feel numb and I hate it, sometimes I feel like crying but can’t, and most the time I don’t feel jealous anymore and that scares me because I’m a jealous person. Then I get thoughts and reminders of my ex. Not in a way that I like them but the hatred and the trauma and pain they left me with. The mental, verbal and physical abuse. Sometimes my current relationship reminds me of him and why I shouldn’t be in one because I always fall into this deep hole that feels impossible to get out of. I just get so scared.