i fall asleep at 3 every night no matter how hard i try to go to bed earlier, wake up at 7, and then have intense anxiety just because i feel like i’ll get anxious, if that makes any sense. then i can’t go back to sleep. it’s been like this for weeks and i’m so exhausted… i have a handle on my intrusive thoughts and realize it’s just OCD, but i’m still getting the same intense anxiety without the fears. it’s like i’m scared to get the fears.

I have barely slept in three days, maybe two hours a night. I feel so overwhelmed and uncomfortable right now. I cannot, for the life of me, stop confessing. I feel absolutely unforgivable, like no matter what it is, I am irredeemable. These waves of guilt and dread keep hitting me so hard. Every time I sleep, all I do is dream-ruminate. I analyze every tiny detail of whatever I am obsessing over, even in my sleep. It almost feels easier to stay awake, not that I have been able to do anything else. I feel so drained. I am scared to sleep. I hate my brain. I feel so anxious.

I was really anxious before I went to bed last night so I couldn't stop checking my phone because i kept getting scared i was gonna somehow use my phone while asleep and send people horrible messages. Then I managed to fall asleep but then i woke up really early in the morning and just couldn't get to sleep and my mind was racing. And then it somehow unearthed false memories from a few weeks ago. Then I had this thought that "I remember" and it just made me more anxious because I know I didn't do anything but my brain is trying to tell me that I remember. OCD makes no sense sometimes, but it's still scary all the same. I hope that everyone has a good day, or at least a better day than yesterday if you're having a rough time <3

i’ve unfortunately fallen into the cycle of trying to figure out my thoughts and find answers as to why i feel so distressed. this still pertains to the situation regarding changing my room for those reading who have seen my multiple posts over the last few days. i’ve been so distressed and in so much panic about it. i’m also panicking over my other room looking so different from when i left it. it’s been making me feel crazy because to me there’s no reason for my anxiety to latch so hard onto something that seems so minuscule. i was thinking i was having anxiety over change, but it’s like symptoms of ocd too that’s making it really hard for me to let go. SO i started thinking maybe it was perfectionism ocd? i’ve realized over time that i do compulsions to where things have to feel “just right”, but i also do that with any environment i’m in. like it HAS to feel cozy to me and provide me comfort in order for me to feel at ease. and this change is causing me to panic because there’s something wrong that i can’t find an answer to. maybe the different colored carpet? but it’s also more than that it feels like. however, now it’s spreading into other areas of my house where i’ve always been fine in and possibly to just any area i’m in at all. hence why it’s making me feel crazy because there’s no reason for me to be THIS distressed over that as i’ve never really had this problem before. and when i did it would last maybe an hour to a couple of days at most, but this has been going for over 2 weeks with my really bad anxiety being this week. i’m doing a little better, but it’s still hard when i can feel that panic waiting for me to acknowledge and just engulf me in the ocd cycle. i’m also analyzing basically any feeling i have so i just feel off in general and like i’m going insane. i’ve been so hyper focused on how i feel and that will send me spiraling too. multiple themes then start coming in like existential ocd and fear of solipsism. not to mention my harm and contamination ocd that just adds on when i’m this vulnerable. then i worry if no one is real, then no one feels the way i do. or just in general that what if no one feels the way i do. honestly, i think being out of college and in my house with nothing to do is causing me too much time with my thoughts. which is why i’m so distressed about everything that pops into my brain.