Did anyone have these thoughts as kid?!! Or just me? 🙁 I specifically remember saying I can’t be gay but I guess I can be bi…. My brain uses this as proof. I also was terrified and anxious about anything gay related as I was growing up 😞

I’ve always been straight my whole life and I’ve never considered being different nor have i ever had attraction to women but lately I’ve been going through a lot of different thoughts that definitely feel unlike me. When I was a kid and I don’t remember how old I was but im sure like 7 or 8 and my cousin that was I very close to had me do inappropriate things to her that I didn’t really know anything about at that time. After that happened to me I knew it was wrong and I felt so bad and disgusting and scared but at the time I didn’t really know anything and I remember when my mom would drop me over my grandmas house while she would work, I’d take my grandma’s phone and I looked up kissing videos and I saw the kissing scene from Jennifer’s body and looking back on it I just feel so much shame and confusion bc it certainly feels embarrassing. My cousin always liked girls but I never did. I loved sitting and watching Disney movies preferably princess and the frog and wanting to be a princess getting married to a prince just like in all the movies. I knew who I was from a very young age and that never changed about me. When I learned what porn was at an older age, I started becoming hyper sexual so I watched tutorials videos of women to learn how to pleasure myself. When I was a kid and to now I’ve never looked at women in that way. I’ve had best friends and sleepovers it’s never been anything sexual, romantic, or intimate. Just simply innocent friendships and hangouts. When I got to high school that’s when i started remembering what happened to me and i remember how the girls would talk about their first kisses and i remembered my sa and how I felt so scared to say anything to anyone bc I didn’t want people to think badly of me simply bc my first kiss was like that so I would simply just not say anything. Lately I’ve been having obsessive thoughts out of nowhere wondering if my sexuality has changed or if im bi or is it just my thoughts? I’ve always had ocd and even in school, the kids would pick at me because I always eat my food in order and by the lightest color. But lately it’s gotten worse. It’s like I’ve never had thoughts like this nor have I ever been like this. Not even when I was a child. And humans question themselves of course but this feels like something different. I’ve gotten distant from my best friend who’s also a girl and I’ve just cut off social media and female friend relationships at all because for some reason my brain tells me that it’s “gay” to even hug your friends or hold their hands anymore like you used to do when you were kids. I even got to a point where I would watch women porn and try to masturbate just to see if I was attracted to it or not like that’s how bad the thoughts got. It felt like an evil voice was in my head trying to convince me and sweet talk me to do and enjoy those disgusting things even when my body didn’t want to. I eventually had confided in my bf about it because he was also a victim of sa and so he helped me through it and I stopped doing it but then and my bf (now ex) broke up a couple days ago and now ive been dealing with this alone which feels like the hardest part for me. So I’ve texted my bff a lot to catch up because I’ve been distant dealing with this and I was just checking my phone awaiting for her responses to my texts because she tends to type slow and usually I never think anything of it because I used to check my phone all the time when I would await my boyfriends reply or simply just a text from him and so now im having thoughts like “why am I awaiting her texts” “do I like my friend?” Its just so many obsessive thoughts and so much overthinking that I am getting tired of because It’s been going on for months so I know this is a lot but please if anyone can please help me I beg, it would be such a great help appreciated bc this has became a really big impact on my life and not in a good way lol. Thank you !!

So I haven’t been on this app in a while. But I just want advice on how to overcome this. I’m now 18 and I’ve been trying out dating apps. I’m not gonna lie I’m kinda picky when it comes to dating only because I plan on dating to marry…so I take it a bit more seriously. But for some reason it’s so hard to click with people on these dating apps. So my friend was helping me through this dating apps process. I told her that I wasn’t interested in this guy I was texting anymore because of the way he was responding to my messages. And she says maybe you’re gay…this is honestly the sixth time (I’m definitely over exaggeration but this isn’t the first time someone had said this to me) someone has ask/said this. Every time someone says this it literally sends me down this spiral of are they seeing something I’m not seeing. Despite never having a crush on a girl my mind goes down this loop of overthinking. And when I say I don’t want that lifestyle or I don’t really find pleasure in being apart of the lgbtq community my mind is like in denial. I just wanted to have a fun teenage dating experience and now every time I open the app I always think what if I really am gay and I’m just in denial…or what if the reason why I’m not connecting with anyone is because I’m really into girls. Since i’m also religious, my mom wants to go what you’re denying who we are because of your religion. And I tried to reassure myself by saying I would know if that was the case like I would feel deep down who I’m truly attracted to and know that I’m trying to cover it up by dating men. This whole thing is so mentally taxing because I was going through this all throughout my senior year of high school and I’m not going into my freshman year of college so. Like I literally felt so much anxiety next to one of my classmates who was gay and a masculine presenting. I feel like if I would’ve told this to anyone, they’d say of course you’re in denial. But ig reply if you can relate

So I’m afraid that I have HOCD, but at the same time that I might also be homosexual. Is that possible? I have all the typical compulsions… checking for attraction, analyzing thoughts, analyzing the past, analyzing emotions, searching the internet. Is it really HOCD? When I see anything related to LGBT, I get strongly triggered. Sometimes I observe how my body reacts around people, but most often I check with ChatGPT to calm myself down, although it doesn’t last long—it depends. I also compare myself to other straight women who look like lesbians, or to lesbians who look like they’re straight. I had a phase where I was analyzing my body… whether I have too much hair, whether I have an Adam’s apple, whether I act like a lesbian without realizing it. I also have the typical intrusive thoughts like “did something from the past actually mean something, or is it a sign?” “am I just lying to myself?” “what if I’m in denial?” “what if I’ve ignored signs my whole life and lied to myself?” “what if I’ll never be able to fall in love with a guy?” “what if there are too many signs and proofs and it’s true?” “what if it’s not HOCD at all?” And much more. But now I’m scared that it’s both—that I have HOCD and that I’m homosexual. I’ve cried multiple times because of this and it’s been going on for 7 months. Some days are better, some are worse. And there’s so much ‘evidence’ that I won’t even list now—over these seven months I’ve found so many things from my past and dreams that I feel like there has to be something to it. I’ve also had around four panic attacks because of this. And I truly believe I have HOCD and that I’m also homosexual, which is killing me and it feels horrible. I just want to be sure that im straight and be at peace. When im doubting and thinking that im a lesbian i feel like im not at peace and i hate it. But u feel like i just need to accept it but i don’t want to and i just want to have a boyfriend, kids but im scared that it’s not possible for me because im lesbian and i actually just think that i want a boyfriend but in reality i don’t. Ughhhh help me.