- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 4y
Me too! I was always anxious about it and never wanted to be perceived as gay in any way. Thatās why when I got aroused by anything girl on girl I had to keep it some huge secret because if others knew than they would think Iām gay and that would be awful to me.
What do you identify as ?
Also so glad Iām not alone
@OCD33 I identify as straight female!
@Corie Do you struggle with this theme?
@OCD33 Yes it is my main theme and pretty much my only one, although it can go into rocd as well.
@Corie If you donāt mind me asking how old are you? And when did this theme start?
@OCD33 25, it started to get more than those thoughts when I was younger and severe/everyday debilitating thoughts at 21 just before turning 22
@Corie Okay Iām 26!! I had these thoughts as a kid but didnāt know I had ocd. I got diagnosed with ocd at 23!
@Corie How do you cope? Are you in ERP?
@OCD33 Yes I am through nocd. I went through their program twice and it has helped me a lot with my compulsions and resisting them
@Corie Are you on medication?! I guess my biggest fear is that I have never been turned on just looking at a manā¦. I need like touch, personality, love etc. OCD takes this as proof
@OCD33 I am not on medication
@Corie What are your biggest compulsions?
@OCD33 When this all started I did a lot of checking (looking at girls and guys to check arousal), googling, even masturbation to ātestā myself. Those were the only ones I saw myself doing and stopped those more phsycial compulsions. Now I only ever do mental compulsions, reassuring myself, scanning my past for proof, proving and disproving thoughts, and rumination the loop of trying to actively figure it out all day. Now I barely do any and if I notice myself getting into a rumination trap I can get out of it. Now I just try to not reassure myself by checking the app or by me saying it isnāt true
@Corie Have you ever been āturned onā seeing women portrayed in a sexual way?
@OCD33 Yes, this and lesbian/gay sexual acts (porn, scenes in movies, pictures, seeing others even irl) has been stuff that has aroused me and āturned me onā since I was very young. This is the major proof/evidence my ocd uses against me. This also makes me super insecure as well like straight people donāt think or get turned on by this. So being comfortable myself in this way and accepting it is something I try to work on. I can barely call a girl hot, pretty, gorgeous without feeling like Iām gay and hiding it and āthatās why when I say it Iām uncomfortableā
@Corie Thank you for sharing this. This is what my ocd also gets hung up on as proof. Do you think itās ocd? I have never had like feelings for a female or wanted a future with one⦠my ocd will say welll you have never been with a female so maybe youād like it more š
@OCD33 I think so, I hope so!! šš I have never wanted to be with a girl, never had feelings for one, or wanted a future at all! Lol
@Corie Do you get turned on just by looking at a man?
@OCD33 No š I have to be like attracted to him in some way and not just only physically
@Corie Omg I feel so validated !!! I thought I was the only one
@OCD33 - hey how are you feeling?
So I havenāt been on this app in a while. But I just want advice on how to overcome this. Iām now 18 and Iāve been trying out dating apps. Iām not gonna lie Iām kinda picky when it comes to dating only because I plan on dating to marryā¦so I take it a bit more seriously. But for some reason itās so hard to click with people on these dating apps. So my friend was helping me through this dating apps process. I told her that I wasnāt interested in this guy I was texting anymore because of the way he was responding to my messages. And she says maybe youāre gayā¦this is honestly the sixth time (Iām definitely over exaggeration but this isnāt the first time someone had said this to me) someone has ask/said this. Every time someone says this it literally sends me down this spiral of are they seeing something Iām not seeing. Despite never having a crush on a girl my mind goes down this loop of overthinking. And when I say I donāt want that lifestyle or I donāt really find pleasure in being apart of the lgbtq community my mind is like in denial. I just wanted to have a fun teenage dating experience and now every time I open the app I always think what if I really am gay and Iām just in denialā¦or what if the reason why Iām not connecting with anyone is because Iām really into girls. Since iām also religious, my mom wants to go what youāre denying who we are because of your religion. And I tried to reassure myself by saying I would know if that was the case like I would feel deep down who Iām truly attracted to and know that Iām trying to cover it up by dating men. This whole thing is so mentally taxing because I was going through this all throughout my senior year of high school and Iām not going into my freshman year of college so. Like I literally felt so much anxiety next to one of my classmates who was gay and a masculine presenting. I feel like if I wouldāve told this to anyone, theyād say of course youāre in denial. But ig reply if you can relate
I was wondering if this also happened to anyone. I grew up very open-minded and allowed myself to question my sexuality when I was younger. I explored feelings for both genders and attraction to them from afar, because I didn't have any friends or experiences to guide me through them. When I started dating, I was open to both but slowly and surely naturally phased out women. It always felt performative, like pretending to be upset they didn't respond, choosing who to be attracted to, and while present with them, wanting to back away or feeling a level of discomfort. When my SO-OCD started, these experiences made it very difficult to navigate the anxieties and intrusive thoughts. My thoughts often circled back to the idea that if I wasn't attracted to women, I wouldn't have tried to in the first place. This type of thought is like a Catch-22. On one hand, I am surveying my past actions or memories for any signs of true attraction or trying to pick at moments where I could prove that I was actually uncomfortable. On the other hand, the thought of being uncomfortable with a moment is tainted in my brain because of the idea that I could just be in denial. Any emotion I've ever had gets scrutinized in hindsight, making it feel like any way in which I feel is wrong. SO-OCD has been particularly difficult because of the fact that I've never been pejorative towards being queer or the LGBTQ+ community. It goes against my own values whether or not I am actually queer or actually straight. I remember growing up in an environment (whether school, family, or friends) that was always lined with prejudice towards any type of outsider - OCD makes me feel ashamed for my own want to understand any group or background different from my own. Essentially, I wanted to know if that's also something that plagues others with SO-OCD. For me, no matter what side of the fence I fall on my OCD rewrites it as bad: Either I'm in denial and lying to everyone even though they already secretly know, or I'm a homophobe. Sometimes they even mix. It doesn't make any sense.
I'm sorry if I'm bringing religion into this but I grew up around those beliefs. Listen I really don't like the thought of considering that I could homophobic cause of religious-like beliefs. This has been bothering me which is why I kinda stepped away from religion and faith cause it just seemed way too hateful and controlling. I'm a heavy people pleaser and an empath. I would like it if lgbt people and religious people could help me feel better <3 I'll try to explain how I feel. I have religious beliefs that being gay is a sin. I grew up around Christan beliefs but I was taught to hate the sin and not the person <3 like respect the person. Always! I respect people for who they are cause I was taught we're all born sinners in the end but I'm also taught in my religion that it's important to try and stop sin. But we can always be forgiven if we catch ourselves sinning that's the beauty of it no matter the sin except for blasphemy of course. I just do not understand the gay agenda. And that's just me that doesn't mean I'm going to go around hating and bullying others. I don't that that's not right period. Religion or no religion. It's just wrong in general especially if someone is just being their selves or figuring out who they are. I just think people get this mixed up. Like I just don't get it I'm not one to be attracted to the same gender I'm just not that person. I'm more traditional. But I don't like being a hater... but I still want to respect others. Like I even had intrusive thoughts of being attracted to the same gender because I thought someone was pretty š but it's not like that I'm more like ("slay queen!"). But attracted??? No, to me it's just weird for me in my perspective doesn't mean I don't respect others, I do I really do. I just don't understand. And I hate having the thoughts that I may sound hateful cause of such religious like beliefs. I even had an old couple of friends in school a long time ago or knew a few people and I always respected them! <3 because a few of them were super nice and were cool. Like idgaf as long as you're nice and chill!
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