I swear SOOCD makes me the most distressed. I feel the need to have to confess but I know if I confess that is giving into my compulsions. Ugh some days are so much worse than others

So my OCD has been bad lately. I’ve been ruminating and obsessing over my sexuality again. And it just keeps getting worse. I hate it so much. I try to sit with the discomfort but then my ocd does the backdoor spike. And the groinal response is what keeps me looped. It SUCKS. I am not attracted to men, but my OCD is trying SO hard to convince me that I am. There have been days where I’m just so mentally exhausted that I “accept” what my ocd tells me and I just walk around a hollow, lethargic shell. But then I rethink it and I feel better. It feels like I can only find my TRUE self when I tire my nervous system out enough that it literally breaks down and has me suicidal and hopeless. And then accepting my OCD’s “truth” (that I’m attracted to men) feels like a burden and a chore. I woke up today from an OCD dream, tried to go back to sleep, and my stomach kept cramping bc I was so anxious and ruminating over my intrusive thoughts. I’m starting to doubt it being OCD anymore. My brain is too tired to fight and cry about it anymore.

I am in an endless battle to figure things out. I think I figure something out that makes me feel better about my thoughts and then I find something else to prove it wrong and the cycle continues. I have so much discomfort I want to confess to my partner so bad. How do I handle this. I don’t think I’ve ever sat in this much discomfort. Why does it feel THIS BAD.

I'm going through an ocd flare up. I'm in a pretty bad depressive episode and just got triggered so it's harder for me to cope. Can't really get out of bed so can't take my mind off it. It feels so real this time. But of course I'm not confessing and this has happened many times before so I'm choosing to stay uncertain and live with it. Just wanted to share with anyone because it all feels really heavy and my close ones already seem so fed up with me hahs. If anybody is going through the same thing just remember that you're not alone!