i just can’t stand living in uncertainty about what i’m going to be in the future i don’t want to be lesbian because it’s not who i am or want to be but i’m scared that i’ll end up with a girl in the future

i’m scared that i won’t feel anything for my boyfriend when he comes back because my ocd and gad numbs me from feeling anything happy or love

@jusme When does your boyfriend come back?

@Whyyocd november

@jusme I see my boyfriend in October. I’m scared about the same thing

@Whyyocd i hope it doesn’t affect me

@Whyyocd Like my worst fear is that I’m gonna ruin my relationship because of OCD and realize I actually do love him and want to be with him but then it’ll be too late :(

@jusme Me too 😭😭😭

@Whyyocd omg me too i hate it so much i wish i didn’t have to go through this and be happy like other people or not have to worry

@jusme I’m sorry I’m getting a little personal but I’m a virgin and I knew I wanted him to be my first but since this started in June, I’m scared I won’t like it and all of these other questions and worries. Plus normal worries about having sex for the first time

@jusme Literally same :(

@Whyyocd it’s okay you can talk to me i won’t judge and i’m just scared that i won’t feel like i love him i have had sexual encounters and i enjoyed them but ever since he left it affected me and bought back many ocd themes and i’m scared that when he comes back i won’t enjoy them or feel anything for him

@jusme Thank you 🥺 I’m sorry I didn’t get a notification. I just feel like I’m literally so un experienced that this is why it’s affecting me a lot. Like I’ve never even watched porn before. Unless some scenes from movies count but I’m sure it’s not the same. Like I even question why certain things turn me on and if that makes me lesbian. I’m sure everything will be okay for you once he comes back 🥺

@jusme Do you want to exchange socials or something to talk? If not it’s totally okay!! I just literally have no one to really talk to about this and it makes me feel so alone.

@hhhhhh Very badly yes

yes he is

@hhhhhh Some days yes, others no

@hhhhhh It changes every very moment. I suffer a lot from gronial responses and me being a girl, I'd look at a girl in the mall or a movie and think "omg she's so pretty" and I will convince myself that because I thought that, in gay

@ocd_sufferer8 I suffer from a lot of groinal responses too. It’s the most convincing thing for me :( like it’s things that I use to see all the time and now groinal responses… like why :(

@ocd_sufferer8 Do you have time to talk?

@Whyyocd Ofcourse! What's going on?

@ocd_sufferer8 Hey! And thank you :) So I see my boyfriend in 2 weeks. He’s in the airforce. I’ve been worried about seeing him because of the what if questions. And I don’t even know if that’s normal to be worried to see him. I’ll have what if questions like what if I don’t like kissing him (which I obviously have before, I’m pretty sure 😣) or what if I don’t feel comfortable with him and etc… which is all coming from SOOCD. I haven’t seen him in over a year. And I just feel like there’s so much to think about and I’m just really upset. I don’t want to feel anxious or depressed when I see him and I don’t want to question these things. I want to feel that love that I did the last time I saw him. I just feel like all of the intrusive thoughts and groinal responses have really affected me and I don’t know what to do. Do you have any advice?

@Whyyocd I went through the same thing while my spouse was in marines and I didn't see him for 1yr 3m and I felt so horrible and ashamed that I was suffering from SOOCD. I don't know about you but I would never tell my spouse about my struggles of this because of the guilt I have internalized so i tried so hard to push it down. I actually was so scared to see him because I didn't know how I would feel. But as soon as he kissed me and hugged me for the first time again when reuniting, not going to lie not all of the anxiety disappeared but a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. SOOCD defiantly gets the best of you and tries to take away whats most important in your life. I would continue to look back at old pictures or messages between you and your spouse and try to remember why you fell in love with him. I would watch the coming home videos and it would make me more excited for that moment

@Whyyocd Plus, try to remember, OCD doesn't want us to win, OCD doesn't want us to be happy and it's always this battle zone. Keep fighting, keep trying to develop healthy coping mechanisms and in time you will find what works for you to heal. Do you have compulsions that stringer the thoughts?

@ocd_sufferer8 I definitely have not told my boyfriend what’s been going on for the same reason as you. He knows I have OCD and anxiety but he doesn’t know what it’s about. My worst compulsions are ruminating and checking :(

@Whyyocd That's exactly what I struggle with. Or I constantly make sure that SOOCD is a real thing and not denial. Have you tried getting more hobbies to distract yourself from complusions?

@ocd_sufferer8 Yes! But I need to start doing them again. Like working out was one! I was doing good but then got really triggered and things have been down hill since. The groinal responses are so hard to deal with. And the fact that I’ve had what if questions about my boyfriend. Like how could I doubt my attraction or love for him? :( I just feel like I knew so much more before this theme. This is definitely the hardest theme I’ve ever had. It can feel so real. And the two questions that are hard for me to get passed is “what if I’m in denial” and “what if I’m just not in the mood rn” (whenever I check and don’t get a groinal response) :(

@Whyyocd Oh me too. I used to suffer from extreme paranoia ocd about everything thinking that something was out to get me when I was a kid and then I developed this theme and it is by far the hardest that i have personally developed. Makes my whole identity feel like I've been living a life even though I haven't.

@Whyyocd I defiantly think the worst part of SOOCD is my conflicting feelings feelings my partner. Without a doubt :(

@ocd_sufferer8 Is he still in the military 🥺

@Whyyocd No, but when he was it was at its peak. Now that he is home It's more of a 8/10 rather than 10/10. But it's still so hard. Everyday it's a battle

@ocd_sufferer8 Yeah I understand 🥺 how long have you had SOOCD?

@Whyyocd November of this year will be 2 years. Hbu ?:( hoping this doesn't continue forever

@ocd_sufferer8 I hope it doesn’t continue for you forever either! Or me or anyone. Since June of this year :( how old are you if you don’t mind me asking?

@Whyyocd 18! Sorry for late reply. It's been a bad day again 😔😔

@ocd_sufferer8 You’re totally fine! And I hope tomorrow is better!!! 🥺 you can talk about it to me if you’d like! Im 22 btw :)

@Whyyocd Is there anyone you can find my recent post from a few minutes ago and we can chat on that? Because that explains how I've been feeling today :/

@ocd_sufferer8 Yes I’ll go look for it!