I'm scared and increasingly sure that I'm the exception who is truly what I fear. At this point I'm close to just assuming I'm a p who's in denial, but I so desperately don't want to accept that, so maybe I'm just here because I'm in denial. I don't know. I know I'm not a danger to children. I would never hurt a child. But the things I did at 11-14 are not deniable, and the older I get the worse I realize it was. Ik I posted about this once before and I don't mean to repeatedly seek reassurance but I don't think I explained properly how serious what I did was. I will explain v briefly, basically I developed a fetish as a small child, exactly what it was of isn't important, the thing that's important is that at 11-14 I wrote stories and watched yt videos and looked up pictures of children, specifically little girls as young as sometimes preschool age, related to this fetish. The content was never explicit, contained nudity, references to sex, anything like that, which is why for those years I couldn't imagine how it could possibly be sexual (I now have learned that fetishes are inherently sexual). I would never do the things I did at that age again, but there has to be a reason I wanted to. If it was a one time thing it would be different. It wasn't. Meaning even if I didn't know it was wrong at the time, there had to be a reason I wanted to, aka I must be a p. It's a bizarre situation bc I don't have attraction to children, I don't want to hurt a child, etc., nor did I ever want to engage the fetish stuff I was doing in sexual activity (in fact I'm asexual), which means I literally don't fit the description of what a typical p would be, unless I'm actually enjoying my intrusive thoughts and not actually getting groinals but just am in denial. Idk. I'm afraid I'm either a suppressed full p or some unusual kind of "partial" p just because of what I did when I was younger. I just hate it all, I want to make it all go away, I want to press a magic button and delete pedophilia from the universe, but those are real past things I did and I can't just run away from my past, when there's a pattern of behavior like that. I know this is a mental health support community and ppl are rlly nice here but please don't be afraid to tell me if this isn't OCD and I'm actually a p. I swear I will not post about this again after this.

I hope someone can respond... Im genuinely so triggered and so anxious... Dr disrespect was accused of inappropriately messaging and sending explicit images to a minor, and trying to meet up with them at twitchcon... my POCD is saying that my situation with me venting about 18+ explicit HOCD stuff to people in the PM's on an OCD groupchat I found from NOCD, including the minors, when I was 19, means that I am just as bad as they are... or worse... I pm'ed them from the support group and vented to them in private (including the minors) about my 18+ explicit HOCD struggles... one was uncomfortable by it so i stopped venting to her after she told me she was uncomfortable by it twice... the other gave me reassurance so i kept asking her for reassurance for my 18+ hocd struggles... I dont ever want to ever be attracted to minors in any way... I dont ever want to ever engage in any inappropriate relations with minors in any way... i dont ever want to EVER be a MAP, a P, or a gro*mer in any way... I dont ever want to be what my pocd says about me... im so scared... someone said that I need help, that I need to turn myself in, and that im hiding behind a diagnosis because of this situation... i genuinely feel so hopeless... I dont ever want to ever be a monster...

18+ TW! Involves sexual content I have learning disabilities which means im always going to be 3-5 years mentally behind from my actual age… when I was 14 I remember finding people saying they work with kids “attractive” and I remember mastu*** over a kid around 5+ but when I was 14 I was either mentally age 11 or 9. So I didn’t know it was wrong, and as soon as I realised I stopped. People say I was young and it’s okay but I remember finding people saying they even walked past a nursery “attractive” but I don’t know if this is even the right word. Maybe cute? Because I find different emotions hard to tell the difference between, so maybe it’s cute rather than attractive. I never ever had intentions to do anything to younger individuals, it was just me finding people saying they worked with them etc attractive… which my ocd now plays on, because my friend mentioned they were working with kids but idk if it was the real me or not but I genuinely felt like I found it attractive and it was giving my so many groinal responses which then made me feel genuinely aroused like I wanted to do things. This plays on my mind because my ocd will always say “but you did/do find stuff like this attractive” but this literally stops me from eating, sleeping or anything. I can’t break from my compultions because what if I do genuinely find it attractive. I don’t think it’s even attractive maybe it’s cute? Like I find it cute… but cuteness can give people feelings down there I guess. I think because if my learning disabilities I found it hard to know the difference between “attraction” and cute so I did stuff over it because it gave me that feeling down there but that could of been cuteness feeling. I just need some support on this.

TW So I haven’t been diagnosed with pocd, but many ppl said that I have it. I was in bed when I remembered this time when I first started experiencing what I hope is false attraction not actual pedophilia, I’m looking back on it rn n I’m worried it wasn’t false attraction, I remember feeling a sense of attraction when I saw that kid, I was about14 at the time and the kid was 11 or 12. I remember constantly searching to see if it was normal for a 14 year old to like a 12 or 11 year old, I was worried when I was doing that i think, I also kept walking pass her to look at her i think to check if i was attracted or not, but it makes me worried that I was attracted to her because im worried that i did it bc i was actually attracted. now looking back on it rn, I don’t feel panic, worry, shame, or guilt, I originally only felt panic and worry, never shame or guilt. Now I don’t feel any of it, not feeling panic and worry now makes me think that I am a p, I don’t want to be a p. I hope im not a p, Ive talked to a therapist and they’ve said that it’s pocd, but it wasn’t a official diagnosis, I’m worried it was a false diagnosis because I lied on one or two of the questions. I also constantly get senses of what I hope is false attraction when I see some kids, and I keep trying to figure out if it is real or false attraction. Also some other time today I was feeling aroused and I wanted to m#sturbate, but then thoughts of kids started popping up, I think that I didn’t like them, I’m not sure any more, but while I was finishing the thoughts kept comigg by, idk what it means but it felt like I enjoyed it, which made me worried, but after I finished the thoughts disappeared a lot more, idk why that happened idk what it means, could someone give me some advice pls?? I don’t wanna be a pedo. All of that happening makes me feel like I am one, can someone give me advice on what’s happening and what I am??