I'm scared and increasingly sure that I'm the exception who is truly what I fear. At this point I'm close to just assuming I'm a p who's in denial, but I so desperately don't want to accept that, so maybe I'm just here because I'm in denial. I don't know. I know I'm not a danger to children. I would never hurt a child. But the things I did at 11-14 are not deniable, and the older I get the worse I realize it was. Ik I posted about this once before and I don't mean to repeatedly seek reassurance but I don't think I explained properly how serious what I did was. I will explain v briefly, basically I developed a fetish as a small child, exactly what it was of isn't important, the thing that's important is that at 11-14 I wrote stories and watched yt videos and looked up pictures of children, specifically little girls as young as sometimes preschool age, related to this fetish. The content was never explicit, contained nudity, references to sex, anything like that, which is why for those years I couldn't imagine how it could possibly be sexual (I now have learned that fetishes are inherently sexual). I would never do the things I did at that age again, but there has to be a reason I wanted to. If it was a one time thing it would be different. It wasn't. Meaning even if I didn't know it was wrong at the time, there had to be a reason I wanted to, aka I must be a p. It's a bizarre situation bc I don't have attraction to children, I don't want to hurt a child, etc., nor did I ever want to engage the fetish stuff I was doing in sexual activity (in fact I'm asexual), which means I literally don't fit the description of what a typical p would be, unless I'm actually enjoying my intrusive thoughts and not actually getting groinals but just am in denial. Idk. I'm afraid I'm either a suppressed full p or some unusual kind of "partial" p just because of what I did when I was younger. I just hate it all, I want to make it all go away, I want to press a magic button and delete pedophilia from the universe, but those are real past things I did and I can't just run away from my past, when there's a pattern of behavior like that. I know this is a mental health support community and ppl are rlly nice here but please don't be afraid to tell me if this isn't OCD and I'm actually a p. I swear I will not post about this again after this.