Okay does anyone else’s OCD make them thing they “love” other people, I’ve gone through this thought stage with like each of my friends, and then i go through a stage where anytime I see or think about that person I’m launched into anxiety? I’ve never really been good about keeping and maintaining friends either because of my trust issues. I only have like two best friends, and I’m almost 18. I have a boyfriend and my guilt is killing me! I’ve personally haven’t thought this much about wanting to hurt myself before.

I'm not sure if what you're describing is similar to me, but my ROCD also makes me feel really guilty and it's so distressing. One thing I would say is, only having 2 best friends is not a bad thing. As you grow older your friends become fewer and stronger. The fact they are best friends is the key here. However more importantly, I am concerned you mention wanting to hurt yourself. I strongly suggest that you seek therapy, particularly with a therapist who has dealt with ocd before. There are a lot of methods that will be able to help you, but if it is ROCD you are describing I know that ERP is particularly good at helping. You will fight this. Let me know if you want to talk!

I’m going back to my psychiatrist after a few years of being clean of depression although what I feel is my ocd struck up May 2018 and I remember the exact way the night went and even the first distressing thought I had and I’ve spiraled from there. January I finally decided to seek professional help because my depression and anxiety was getting so bad. I’m so scared they’re gonna tell me that I don’t have OCD though.

That's great you are going back. Don't feel defeated by it, ocd is something that will never truly go away, you just learn how to manage the thoughts better over time. You should be proud you are reaching out for help - it's not easy. The very fact you find these thoughts distressing and that they spiral indicates to me that you have ocd, otherwise these thoughts wouldn't cause you to feel this way. They would simply just be true followed with no anxiety etc. However I cannot give you a certain answer. The fear you might not have ocd is actually ocd itself causing doubt, I also have this fear! I'm scared that I don't have ROCD and that these thoughts are true, and I don't think you will ever be able to know 100% that it is ocd, or otherwise it probably wouldn't be ocd! When we search for answers to these questions it enforces the ocd cycle that there is something to fear. It's hard, but erp teaches how to not reinforce these thoughts and break the ocd cycle. You have to accept that there might be a tiny possibility these thoughts are true and real, even if that possibility is one in a million. Only then you can be confident that they are just thoughts, and not worth paying attention to, but this is very hard. I am struggling myself with this

Yeah I understand that too. This morning I’m just trying to manage my thoughts accordingly. I’m terrified to go to my first period college class because I have false attractions towards people who I just enjoy being around. It makes me feel numb because I feel like I’m betraying my boyfriend and I keep telling myself “you’d never do that”. But it’s scary when I turn to just talk to the person next to me and my mind goes “kiss him” then I get grossed out and freak out. This person isn’t my type or anything and Id never betray my boyfriend, this is just someone my OCD has attached to.

That sounds exhausting. Ocd can work in weird ways! Hold on to the fact you would never betray your boyfriend. These things your brain is telling you aren't true feelings, and they certainly aren't things you'll ever act on. You are living by your values, not your anxiety, and that's the main thing here. The feeling of being numb is also horrible and exhausting and I wish you luck in your recovery, I hope that you find some relief from this

Thank you for listening. I hope you find recovery as well. I’ll keep in mind the advice you’ve given me. Let me know if you need help anytime as well!

You're very welcome, I'm always happy to listen and try to help. Thank you (: