I don’t even know how to explain it but can ocd make you feel less guilt? Can it make you feel the wrong things does that make sense? I’m struggling with a certain intrusive thought that makes me question whether or not I like/want it when I know deep down that can’t be true but it feels so convincing and it’s like I don’t even feel guilt but I should…it’s so weird. I don’t get it I really don’t. I guess the best thing for me to do is try to ignore it. The intrusive thought was so bad why does it feel the opposite of what it should be. I don’t know how to explain. Anyone experienced this too? What can I do to know for sure? How can I get some clarity. I know this may sound weird but part of me wants to go around the person it was about and see if that will help but I honestly don’t want to go around them because what if it makes it worse. I care about this family member and would literally do anything to protect them and make sure no harm comes to them. So why is my mind doing this to me?

Has anyone ever felt like they got to a point with ocd where they are numb to everything don’t get anxiety much and feel like they don’t know if they hate the thoughts and don’t know if you would or wouldn’t do those bad things? Or feel like they don’t know if it’s ego dystonic or against your morals because you are so convinced that you are bad? Is this possible? Everyone always says on this app that however bad the thought feels they know deep down they don’t want it but is it possible to be so confused or so into believing ocd that you actually feel like you don’t know? I complain about the thoughts/feelings I get from ocd to my family and they say you don’t want it but it’s convinced me so well I feel like I don’t even know? I don’t even know what I feel if I’m anxious or sad or what i don’t even know. I had this thing where it kept feeling sometimes like I would want to smile or as if I was ‘secretly happy’ about ocd thoughts and that bothered me and this time I was having these ‘stabbing’ intrusive thoughts and I got that same feeling I wanted to smile or was ‘happy’ and then I got this horrible urge feeling when my mum came in the room which felt like I ‘wanted to’ act on the thought and from deliberately imagining the stabbing thought to test my emotional reaction - it felt like ‘I knew how it physically felt to stab someone and liked the feeling/it felt good’ and that tied in with the ‘urge’ feeling felt really real like I actually wanted it and then I was sat there with my mum and I was telling her about it and I even told her I would try testing things by holding a pencil to see if it feels like I ‘want to do it’ as kind of an exposure tactic since I was thinking I was bad or would do it and I held it and obviously nothing happened and I even imaginined the thought while holding the pencil while she was next to me and it never felt like I wanted to do anything or ‘act’ on the thought, after I gave it to her and she put it away and then I we was talking and then I had another bad moment where it felt real (I can’t remember if it was the same day or not) but I was deliberately imagining that thought and then i don’t know but I think I got that weird thing where it feels like I wanted to smile or was secretly happy and I don’t know how if i gave into the compulsion and I think I did smile or maybe I didn’t I can’t remember but that ‘secret happy feeling’ suddenly became amplified and felt like the thought of stabbing someone lots of times suddenly felt like I was happy about it would really enjoy it or like it I can’t explain it but it suddenly felt like a real feeling that I enjoy it and I felt like in those films where the evil person is happy about doing something bad and it felt so extremely real it feels 99 percent like it was my own feeling from inside and I don’t feel the same I feel like there is something wrong with me and I will want to do evil things because now I’ve discovered that there is something ‘good feeling’ about doing that bad thing and I’ve ’realised’ why evil people get a thrill over it like I can’t explain that feeling but I wish I didn’t have it but it feels extremely real like my own feeling and now I’m thinking I definitely can’t be helped and everything is over because I will want to do it almost like the same way someone is ‘lustful’ I will want to do that evil thing because of that feeling of feeling happy over doing evil it’s really bad I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m suddenly evil and my ocd has never felt this bad before. But still I’m not crying I’m not anxious I’m just complaining about it to my mum and family members what do I do. It feels almost like because of that feeling where it felt like I was happy now I would choose to be evil or want to be because it felt happy feeling 🙁🙁 I don’t know what to do I don’t even know what that feeling was and then before I was about to sleep my head is like to me ‘you want to experience that feeling again’ and it feels almost like an urge that I want to experience that feeling or be evil and I don’t know because I feel calm I’ve been having ocd for almost 2-3 years so I feel numb nothing phases me, I had a few sessions of therapy online with NOCD but I stopped it and have never had therapy since now I wish I had been having it because maybe it wouldn’t have got this bad 🙁🙁

I have ocd, i have crazy intrusive thoughts that make me super uncomfortable, the thing is i understand that ocd goes against your morals and try’s to make you feel like a bad person but how do i avoid pushing people away while trying to treat my ocd.. i love my boyfriend so so much but when i get intrusive thoughts about hurting his feelings or doing something terrible it scares me so bad that i’m scared to be around him because in my head it’s like “why am i even thinking of this if i love him so much” and i know i would never do anything to hurt him but i just feel terrible because he’s an amazing boyfriend and i have all these bad thoughts. :(

I’ve done things in the past few years that I’m not proud of - only a couple of things I can think of and they didn’t directly hurt anyone at least with is relieving (but maybe indirectly they sort of did or could’ve which makes me hate myself because why did I do that… *how* could I do that…) If I could back and stop those things from happening, I would. I may not have thought about what I was doing at the time, so I didn’t really recognize that they weren’t okay, but that doesn’t excuse them, and I would smack some sense into my past self if I were able. I feel like if anyone knew what I‘ve done, they wouldn’t want anything to do with me. They’d write me off as worthless. And maybe they should to be honest. Now yet another thing has come up - I haven’t done anything, but I had an intrusive thought pop up that made me *think* about doing something and this would be unforgivable in my opinion. Though, to be honest, the things I’ve done before are also somewhat unforgivable in my opinion… 😞 Regardless, I don’t want to do it because I don’t think it’s okay, but I worry deep down that I do. Or that I’m looking for an excuse to make it okay to do. I don’t know, it’s complicated. And I’m upset I even thought about it. I wish I had never seen the thing that triggered that intrusive thought. Yet another thing I would stop if I could. I’ve tried to not think about it or focus on it, but it doesn’t work. Even if it goes away, it just comes back again. I just keep thinking about it and it’s overwhelming. Anyway all of the guilt of this is killing me. I feel like an irredeemably terrible person and it makes me want to give up. I can’t get on with life because it’s paralyzing. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, and at this point, it feels like I don’t deserve to just move on. I can’t live with myself and I feel like I don’t deserve anything anymore. I know a lot of this is probably OCD, but I’m not sure all of it is and I don’t know what to do… if I spoke to a therapist about it, I don’t think I could bring myself to say what I’ve done or what thoughts I’ve had. But if I was told to move on by someone who didn’t know the truth, I would worry they wouldn’t really say that if they knew. Agh, it’s all just a mess 😞