I am afraid that one day I will just accept what the (r)ocd tells me and start to believe in what it tells me and I will not care, anyone else?

I’m thinking about doing erp but my ocd is so severe the thought of accepting my fears happening to me makes me sick to my stomach. I also believe in the power of my words and saying I accept this Bad thing will attract it into my life. I’m not sure what I should do🥲

I am struggling so much with ROCD symptoms, and lately everything feels more and more real, like I am finally “realizing” that I don’t love my boyfriend anymore. When I think about him, about him speaking kindly to me, or about being with him — I feel no warmth inside me, no happiness, no calm. This makes me panic, and I start thinking that maybe this is the truth, that I don’t love him anymore or never did. It feels like my mind is connecting everything to “prove” I don’t love him — I even struggle now to remember good moments with him or any time when I felt love. When I am in his arms, instead of comfort, I feel anxious and disconnected. When he says sexual things, I feel disgust or nothing. I also had a really hard moment with my mom yesterday — I told her I don’t feel love anymore, and she told me that I am lying to myself, that I am hurting both him and myself. I keep hearing her words in my mind now. On top of this, someone on NOCD told me to focus on traits I admire about him, but when I try, nothing comes to mind and this scares me even more — like maybe I never truly loved him, I just liked the idea of having a boyfriend. I know I have read a lot about ROCD, I know about ERP, I know I should “let the feelings be there” and not fight them. But even though I know this, I feel so stuck, hopeless, and burned out. The thoughts feel so real now — like I have a gut feeling that I don’t love him anymore, that I’ve changed, and I’m just forcing myself. I am also afraid that deep down, maybe I don’t want to love him anymore, I just want to feel “normal” again — and this terrifies me. Lately I feel like everything feels more and more real — like the thoughts and this horrible feeling are the truth that I was denying all along. Now I feel almost numb, like I have accepted this horrible idea and I can’t connect to my emotions any I feel desperate. I don’t know what is real anymore. Please, if anyone can relate or give some guidance, I would be very grateful. 💔 (edited)

I am tired of talking with chat gbt for reasurance or to calm myself, im tired of searching reddit posts on r/rocd so i can read the comments to get an answer on how to get better, to post here 10 times a day so someone can say something that will calm me, all this things used to get me better a little, but now they dont and in still doing them, but in tired, i want this to stop, my thoughts are so persistent and it comes with bad negative feelings about my relationship, my boyfriend, i have so much fear in me its insane, i feel like i have changed and all the thoughts that once i knew they were fake they feel now that they are the reality that i dont accept. It breaks my heart to read stuff from people that say “when i am with him my thoughts goes away “ because mine doesn’t. I feel iritated, angry, disgusted for no reason at all, I see people saying that i care about my relationship and my boyfriend because i dont like these thoughts but, my therapist said to me “you can care about people and dont like them” or something like that, also when i told her “when these thoughts started i knew they were fake and i always said they are not real i dont want them” and she said something like “you can tell is snowing outside but its not true because its warm and sunny” My thoughts feel so real, i feel like im not like the others with rocd. Also this thing about choosing love and choosing your partner is bringing me into a spiarl because what if i dont want my partner? what if i only want to feel better and not to love him? What if all this time i though i felt live was just me pretending to feel love because i put high expectations on this relationship? what if i dont love him for who he is? what if i never loved him? i have a long list of what ifs. I cant go to therapy anymore due to more factors and also it was not beneficial for me at all. i just want peace. Im scared if getting better bc im scared that i will realise my thoughts are true. what if im i. denial? my thoughts scream at me affrirmations like “i dont love him” also being intimate is so hard. can somebody tell me some advice?