This is a new one for me so please bear with me I went on a hen do on the weekend with work friends and got super drunk. I remember most of the night but I remember getting panicky and crying at some point and can’t remember quite why. I called my mother sobbing that I thought everyone hates me etc too, so that was weird. Anyway. I am a straight (maybe like 3% bi?) woman. I don’t desire a relationship with a woman at all, but I can appreciate attractive women when I see them, and I’m comfortable in my sexuality. I’ve had awful luck with men and recently left an extremely damaging/emotionally/verbally abusive relationship with an alcoholic older man. So anyway. when I was really drunk on Saturday, I saw a pretty woman on the dance floor. I remember thinking like “f*ck it I would try sex with a woman one day, never say never” and I sort of remember checking her out (cuz I give up entirely on men at the moment). I can’t remember even talking to her but I’m convinced I somehow sexually assaulted a woman and just….can’t remember it now? I’m worried when I went to use the toilets, I might have hurt someone and it’s simply left my mind? I remember most of the night so surely I wouldn’t forget something that disgusting and serious? I’ve been trying to not ruminate, but it’s feel so guilty and don’t know what to do. Does this seem like an OCD thought? I’m wondering if I put two and two together because in my city, the same night our hen party was, a man sexually assaulted a woman, and it’s been in the news. so now I’m perhaps connecting the thought of “she’s pretty” to “what if I sexually assaulted her and didn’t know cuz I was drunk”? HELP I can’t understand this I have never experienced this kind of thought before so don’t know how to practice ERP if it’s and OCD thought. I haven’t uploaded any photos to social media I feel sick anxious and I hate myself and I feel like an awful person and I’m waiting to hear a knock at the door and be arrested or hated by everyone 😞 ive been crying for the last few days too it’s breaking me

ari3

Date posted: 4y

I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. I have been where you are with the fear of “what if I sexually assaulted someone which means I did something horrible and am going to be arrested” and it is an awful, awful feeling. What you’re experiencing very much sounds like OCD to me. My psychiatrist once told me that harm OCD that focuses on “what if I sexually assaulted someone” is quite common. In my experience, I did ERP with this topic (exposures looked like saying to myself “maybe I did sexually assault someone”— which was totally terrifying of course, but it ultimately diminished some of the power this obsession had over me). I know where you are feels horrible— and I can tell you from my experience that it is possible to get some distance from these obsessions by doing exposures, as difficult as they are.

uwotm8

Date posted: 4y

Okay thank you for your reply! I have a pretty good idea it’s OCD because my gut instinct was to ask in this OCD forum! But my god the anxiety and guilt is horrible. My main obsessions have always been about my sexual health and stds = I’m gonna be abandoned, so I’m guessing it’s a remix of that old fear I never fully recovered from? I’ve had some dodgy experiences with men(dates) in the past that could maybe be considered sexual assault and my toxic ex used to use that against me in arguements too. I dunno if it’s fair to say there’s connections getting crosswired in my anxious brain? I’ve also been spiked in the past before but as far as I’m aware I was never assaulted

uwotm8

Date posted: 4y

@uwotm8 Not during the spiking incident I wasn’t anyway.. some other experiences I ended up agreeing to when I felt I couldn’t say no, and also things like I didn’t agree to during sex were just…done to me midway in other scenarios

ari3

Date posted: 4y

@uwotm8 What you’re saying makes total sense— past traumatic experiences with sex and dating I feel can totally inform OCD. And like you said, since sexual health and stds were your main obsession previously, this is kind of an adjacent topic so it all gets mixed into a whole new miserable obsession. The anxiety and guilt are truly horrible. Hang in there!

uwotm8

Date posted: 4y

@ari3 Thank you for your help, it just sucks! I have therapy for generic stuff since I left my abusive relationship, but maybe I’ll try getting help specifically for that now, I do think I’ve been gaslighting myself into believing these things weren’t that bad and shouldn’t bother me, and maybe that’s why I’m struggling so much

ari3

Date posted: 4y

@uwotm8 No problem! It really does suck. Going to therapy for this sounds like a great idea—it definitely helped me a lot. You deserve to not be burdened by this anymore!

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