Feeling sadness after having had an OCD episode and faking into the compulsion..

Why did the compulsion/test people told me I did felt very wanted in the moment. But then I regret it now and afterwards. Still a compulsion, correct? It just didn't feel like a compulsion, but then again I don't know what those feel like

Whenever anyone starts to feel like their thoughts are less triggering or they feel a moment of happiness/ relief OCD tells you that you want the thoughts back or you actually like having the thoughts and maybe thats just the person I really am? I feel like im going insane😢

I just started doing therapy my own for ocd and depression I was feeling sad earlier I get those thoughts like again this sadness when this gonna stop I m tired I don’t want that feeling then I get the urge to fix this feeling is this OCD the needing to know how long gonna last or the wanting to fix it and make it better