Today it hit me just how much OCD can distort reality.
It’s been a few months since my SOOCD started to ease a lot, and I’m now at a place where I definitely wouldn’t qualify as having the theme (although that’s not to say my mental health is great even without the burden of that theme).
My life revolved around the possibility that I was bi but in denial. It was all I thought about. In the shower, in school, with my friends, with my family, walking down the street, shopping, eating, and even sleeping.
I was so fixated on the possibility, that it started to manifest into a reality, through groinals, intrusive thoughts and a whole host of unwanted feelings. I wasn’t myself, at all. But nobody was aware of the misery I was going through.
I don’t really know what happened… but something did. I wish I knew exactly what it was so it could become advice for others in the same situation I was in, but I was so preoccupied with life, school and friends that it wasn’t apparent to me what transition had occurred, or why.
I began to regain my attraction to men that had been so blurry and weird whilst I was in the deep end with SOOCD. The groinals stopped, I started to see women as I had before, beautiful, but not erotic in anyway, the dreams stopped, the thoughts & doubts became few and far between, and when they WERE there, they were so mild that rumination was mostly non existent.
I was myself again. And it felt great. I went from not even being able to HEAR the words bisexual, or lesbian, or LGBTQ, or denial without panicking, to it meaning virtually NOTHING to me.
I know this post doesn’t give any explicit advice, but I hope it can act as some encouragement for people with SOOCD, or ANY theme for that matter who feel hopeless. I felt hopeless too. It things can’t change in ways you’d never expect them to. Don’t assume that you can predict everything in your life, because that’s far from the truth. Life is inherently unpredictable, for better and for worse, and embracing that unpredictability is the best thing you can do.
Sending my love to you all!