Why does it feel like sometimes I feel a strange comfort in my obsessions? Like I hate my obsessions. I hate the them. But when I don’t have them, my mind goes “why aren’t you obsessing?” “You’re not valid in your struggles.” “You’re making this up.” But the obsessions and rumination feels so familiar that it’s a paradoxical comfort but also distressing. It’s like I’m afraid to let go.

Whenever anyone starts to feel like their thoughts are less triggering or they feel a moment of happiness/ relief OCD tells you that you want the thoughts back or you actually like having the thoughts and maybe thats just the person I really am? I feel like im going insane😢

It is not the thoughts or urges that scare me anymore. It is the way I feel like I’ve absorbed the compulsions into my identity :( I am doing them so automatically that it feels like I am choosing them freely and they’re me. and because of that, it feels like I AM the OCD now, not just someone with OCD. I think I’m just deeply trapped in a loop. I was trying to survive unbearable fear so I started scanning. Then I started pre-scanning. Then checking if I pre-scanned. Then I check how I feel during all that. I run to beat my OCD to the “punchline” (intrusive thought, urge, sensation) because I’m so scared all the time. So scared that I don’t even feel it anymore. I feel numb and all that’s left is this jittery residue and numbness. Now it’s all tangled together in a huge knot. I feel so extremely lost. I think this may just be meta OCD, but I’ve never ever felt so gone before :( I’m really scared.

One of my biggest struggles in overcome OCD is that in moment where I feel invincible and feel really good, my mind itches back at me telling me that it’s too good to be true and I need to feel back on edge. I call this my OCD homeostasis, and my mind just needs to revert back to this. How has everyone dealt with this effectively?