- Date posted
- 4y
- Date posted
- 4y
Please š¢
- Date posted
- 4y
Hey :) I feel really hopeless too. I never questioned it either until one day the question āwhat if Iām gay?ā popped into my head because of something my dad said to me. Iām literally 22 and have a boyfriend (in the military). I had all of these what if questions that made me feel like itās true and so many intrusive images and groinal responses. I feel numb. I see my boyfriend in a week and Iām scared about a lot of things. Just know youāre not alone and Iām sorry that I donāt have the best advice right now š
- Date posted
- 4y
Thank you so much for commenting it means so much to just know Iām not alone I just feel like I canāt handle it anymore and I feel the only outcome is being gay but it makes no sense I have no more than thoughts no physical attraction or feeling I just hate it
- Date posted
- 4y
I understand how you feel! Are you in therapy?
- Date posted
- 4y
@Whyyocd Sorry didnāt see this message but not yet but hoping to see someone soon :) have you ? Does it help
- Date posted
- 4y
And trying to explain to others how you feel and not knowing what hoocd is I just sound indenial
- Date posted
- 4y
Yeah thatās why I havenāt told anyone except for my parents becuse I needed someone to talk to
- Date posted
- 4y
Same hereee i just feel like people donāt understand like I know I donāt feel that way itās just my thought convincing me otherwise but Iām so glad and so sorry you relate it just feels normal someone understands have u been dealing with for long
- Date posted
- 4y
Iāve been dealing with this since June of this year :( what about you? And thank you :)
- Date posted
- 4y
Beginning of august have u found some sort or way to deal with temporary or has it just been overwhelming thoughts all the way through
- Date posted
- 4y
Iāve definitely had some better days than others. I think any distractions help and you just have to accept the uncertainty (I know that really sucks to hear). Have you been diagnosed with OCD? If not I would get diagnosed and then start ERP therapy! I think you would really benefit from it! :) do you mind me asking how old you are?
- Date posted
- 4y
I havenāt been diagnosed so maybe Iām just overthinking but when I read all the symptoms and took tests it says I do and when researching how I felt and stumbled across hoocd I read peopleās comments and I felt like everything u was going through was normal and thereās people out there that feel the same but I feel what Iām going through is continuous and i just feel sad and stressed all the time not knowing what to believe anymore and straining my relationship as all he says is stop overthinking and be positive which is understandable but itās just so hard lately to be happy and positive when I that feeling of uncertainty and ya no problem at all Iām 17 :)
- Date posted
- 4y
I would definitely try and get diagnosed and then do therapy! I think youāll definitely benefit since itās only thoughts for you! :)
- Date posted
- 4y
I really hope it does I just canāt deal with it anymore I feel like my thoughts are so real and I just canāt accept them Iām so afraid on whatās gonna happen I donāt want my life to change or I donāt want to be like this forever I just donāt no what to do and thank you again !:)
- Date posted
- 4y
Itās okay I feel the same!!! And youāre welcome :)
- Date posted
- 4y
Well if you feel the same then Iām going crazy or in denial I just gotta keep positive until they go away thank you for replying :) and sorry one last question reading what I wrote what do u think it is or just opinion sorry bit much to ask but just a question donāt have to reply but thanks again
- Date posted
- 4y
From what you told me, I think itās OCD! And no problem!
- Date posted
- 4y
Thank you so much again and hopefully we all come out of this our best and we can do it I might not think that now but it will get better soon and I hope the best for you !:)
- Date posted
- 4y
I hope so too!!! Thank you and I hope the best for you as well! :)
Related posts
- Date posted
- 20w
I tried checking if I like gay stuff and itās genuinely disgusting to me. I can tell whether or not a man is attractive and when they are it does scare me and makes me question myself yet, itās always the same response, I donāt get how you can do that with another man. Doing anything sexual just feels so gross and wrong. I donāt think that I am magically turning gay. I donāt think my orientation is changing or hasnāt been explored. I simply find that stuff gross. I have never had anything wrong with gay people and I am a true believer that people have choices they can make with free will so itās not that Iām homophobic, just keep that stuff away from me lol. Saying so, I donāt get why I am getting these thoughts. These images in my head, constant need of checking if I fall in the spectrum, constant checking whether I like someone of any gender, constant checking whether or not I am getting groinal responses. No matter what answer I get, my mind still wants an answer, an answer to the next question that itāll create after answering the one before it. I have always liked girls and always been so proud of it, I am in a relationship right now with a beautiful girl Iāve had a crush on since 2nd grade. (I am 19) Whatever mental illness I have has ruined our relationship. Everything feels forced on my side, I donāt remember the joy I had before this but I have glimpse throughout the days of the things weāve done together that makes me happy and look forward to life. I am constantly checking to see if my attraction is still there for her and the scary part is, when I am stuck in my head, I am not but, to alter that, when I get that freedom and feel like my normal self, I get a hyper amount of love for her and it feels so nice. These thoughts all began after me and my girlfriend had an argument, 5 months ago we got in an argument over her not giving me enough space. She always wanted to be a part of a plan with my male friends. I never minded her when it was just us two so itās not that I hated being with her, it was just that I had no time to be independent. ( I also had no job and nothing going for myself. ) One odd day after spending so much time stuck in the house due to weather, I had random thought on whether or not I truly loved her. We were only 4 months into the relationship so I didnāt have an answer and since it felt like I needed an answer, it became obsessive, I couldnāt stop checking. After hours with that thought, I started to wonder whether or not I was interested in other things like K I D S. This thought was an automatic no and I began to fight it. I wasnāt going to accept that, each day felt like a living hell. The questions would change each day, do I miss my ex, was my ex better, do I like my M O M, do I want to K I L L so and so, do I want to kill myself. One day I woke up and had it all in control, felt like magic, after I watched a video on ROCD and realized, oh, I am not the only one but, this is where my compulsions got even worse. I couldnāt stop checking the internet, seeing if I relate to others, watching more videos. I regret this everyday because this compulsion created so many new thoughts and questions for me to answer. About 2-3 weeks went by and a thought passed by that has been stuck with me since along with other thoughts. I thought back to what I did as kid and in the past. I remembered a traumatic event where my brother touched me (5yr old M) inappropriately. This made me question whether or not I liked it and I couldnāt find an answer, couple years (10yr old M) after that I unfortunately did the same to my cousin (8yr old M). I feel so much shame and guilt for it. My mind turned black and white, āMaybe this isnāt a do you like your girl or not but instead, maybe you just like boys I mean, you obviously never asked yourself if you like what you did soā. This question was terrifying for me because it meant that I could no longer love my girl, my whole life till now has been a lie. So I began to question everything in my past up to date to find an answer. No matter what answer I fed my mind, it would not be satisfied and simply create more questions. It felt like my mind was forcing me to be gay, whether or not I liked it. 4 months has passed and the questions have just gotten worse, something I was initially so afraid of. I am in constant fight or flight mode, I am always anxious and I canāt feel nothing. I get times of relief when I am reminded of my past, when my gf turns me on, or when I find an answer to question my mind conjured up. I started to go to church but itās always been a struggle for me to believe. I canāt go to the gym anymore because everywhere I look I am questioning myself. My porn addiction has went away but mostly because I canāt find anything attractive anymore. I can only find comfort and discomfort. Something that was once so easy for me would 1 day be nonexistent and hard to live without. I donāt know what the truth is anymore. My life feels like a made-up lie. Though I have always loved women, fantasized about them, get extremely nervous around them, pray for them, romanticize them, etc. I now have no idea what it feels like to be in love, interested, or even happy for a woman. My attraction hasnāt vanished completely, I still can look a girl and be stunned, l simply just canāt destroy the feeling it gives me. I get so anxious and begin to question everything about the women, the feeling, myself. I am having a crisis.
- Date posted
- 19w
I am very depressed right now. I really feel like maybe Iāve always been a lesbian and never knew. I never questioned my sexuality when I was young, never wanted to explore, I just was straight and didnāt think anything about it, thatās just what it was. I had my first soocd spiral in late high school but didnāt have a name for it, just that I was having intrusive thoughts and it was killing me that maybe I was gay. I canāt exactly remember how I got out of that but I continued to have crushes, talking stages, and dated. It went away and that was that I guess. Looking back now I definitely was still avoiding content and certain people, and still had intrusive thoughts but didnāt think I was gay. I guess they were less sticky. Something about me is that Iāve never had a boyfriend and Iām a virgin. Iām very shy and romanticize things like I love the relationships and scenarios I read about or that I see in movies or the thirst traps online haha. So I want that irl but am disappointed when that doesnāt happen. I have a very interactive daydream (started when I was 13 and still continued that fantasy world now too) with a boyfriend, friends, and a prettier version of me. I enjoyed making up scenarios about sex or romance in those daydreams and fantasies, but when it came to real life, I would get shy or scared when things were starting to get serious with men. I thought maybe this was an avoidant attachment style but now Iām not sure. I never considered female fantasies and I still donāt want to right now. I want to test and see which one I like better, but Iām afraid Iāll find that Iām a lesbian and I really donāt want that. Ive always imagined myself with a man but now Iām worried about comphet. Iām really depressed and I canāt tell because yes, I find some women attractive whether itās their makeup, face, body, aesthetic, but I never thought that meant I was attracted to them in a sexual or romantic way until this spiral. Now Iām afraid of masc lesbians and pretty women because it triggers me. But Iām also afraid because I feel like I can look at attractive men, but I donāt feel the same way anymore. I canāt even daydream about them bc then my brain inserts a woman. Iām really scared that Iāve lost myself, because I truly feel like I have, but I donāt want to explore with women, I just want to like men, Iāve always liked that idea. But so many lesbians talk about liking celebrities, fantasy men, or just attractive men. Sorry for the rant but Iām struggling a lot right now. I feel like all my memories, even the ones that directly contradict being a lesbian, can be explained away by comphet, internal homophobia, denial, suppression, etc. When I do try and accept uncertainty, sometimes it feels ok, but then something will trigger me and Iām back at square one. Iām afraid if I take my meds Iāll discover something about myself that I donāt want to because Iāve always been depressed and avoidant of life because it never lives up to my expectations. My sexuality is on my mind 24/7! I canāt take it!
- Date posted
- 16w
Iāve been dealing with SOOCD for over a year now, and I have been having a very hard day today. I feel like I just need someone to talk too, my whole life Iāve always had girl crushes and always wanted to be romantic with women . Ever since I posted this picture on instagram and one person said I looked āzestyā in it , which is when I started obsessing about being gay . I feel like I put so much meaning to these thoughts where now Iām always checking how I feeling around men. I had a really bad porn addiction for a long time and bad anxiety which fucked up my sex drive. I feel like I doubt if Iām attracted to women when I know I am , but the doubt is so overbearing where I start to believe it . I never was interested in men sexually, and my ocd makes me feel like I like the thoughts even though I feel no pleasure out of it. I feel like I lost who I am as a person . It feels like I donāt even know what my sexuality is and itās really upsetting to me . I meant this girl the other day and she is the most beautiful woman Iāve ever met and I just feel like ocd is getting in the wayššš please any advice or comments
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